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The Aftermath of Assault: PTSD or RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome)
A few of you know this about me already, but I have really been struggling lately. I was sexually assaulted on New Year’s Eve by someone I thought was harmless and have known since middle school. This was after Sir and I had established our D/s relationship. I was out with friends for New Year’s, and this acquaintance was very drunk. I got separated from my friends, and this person kept asking me to kiss him at midnight. I refused, as politely as I could. As I was leaving, he insisted he walk me to my vehicle. He struck me in the parking lot, knocked me down, beat me and raped me. I heard a man’s voice shouting “Hey what the hell is going on?” And my attacker ran. The man who found me turned out to be my rescuer that night, calling 911 and helping me into his car to wait for the ambulance and police. I was beaten so badly that I needed stitches in my head in two places and in my lip. My body was pitiful for weeks after. My genital area hurt for 3 months after, long after it was healed, it was a psychological thing. I nearly failed out of nursing school and I tried every anxiolytic and antidepressant known to man in an effort to “fix” myself, because I was so damn shattered. Therapy isn’t my favorite pastime, but my Sir will not allow me to miss appointments. Still, I am plagued by nightmares; vicious, vivid ones. I am always scared, alone in the dark and my rapist comes to hurt me again and again. I wake up in tears and sometimes screaming, sweating and swinging at whatever is close. I’ve tried sleeping meds, which worked at first, but the knockout effect has worn off and the dreams are back. Last night and the night before, I woke my Sir out of a dead sleep. The first thing I remember seeing was his face in front of mine, his jaw clenched and his big sweet brown eyes full of worry as he was saying my name over and over, telling me “Baby, it’s okay, you’re with me, I have you, I will take care of you, you’re safe with me.” I immediately just cried because he should NOT have to deal with this, it hurts him to see it. He tells me I scream “Don’t” and that I hit him when he tries to hold me. I HIT my Sir. 🙁 I hate myself for it. At the same time, I can’t control my nightmares and it makes me feel helpless and out of control all the time. I have been diagnosed with RTS, which is really just a trussed-up way to say rape-related PTSD. I am beginning to wonder if this will ever end for me… and if so, when? Hopefully before I lose my mind or my Sir, or both.
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1 Reply
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Sweetheart, it is hard, I feel for you, I have been there and with patience, time and a lot of bad nights it does eventually start to subside. It is a horrific thing to have to live through and it is horrendous to survive but you will survive and your Sir will help you if you let him. He can help you heal. I assume you are talking to him about it all, if not, try him, it might upset him but knowing that he can help by listening might also let him feel better. I still have bad nights, 8 years later, but they are fewer and further between than ever before. The first stage I had to go through was forgiving myself. After that it took time, time and more time. If you want a private ear occasionally when you are struggling, feel free to message me. I will listen, I won’t promise answers and I can’t promise that it will stop the pain but I can promise to listen. One thing that helped for me was writing it down, it might not help but it might give you an in to healing. Take care xx
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