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That time I almost broke our marriage and how my Sir found a lost dom.
The other night my Sir and I were talking about the lovely people we’ve had the chance to interact with since joining this blog. Such a wide range of experiences. So many stages of the journey. It had us reminiscing about our very rocky start, and he said to me, “If you’re talking to the really new ones, tell them about the emasculation thing.” We went head to head with “the emasculation thing.” I honestly thought our initial trips into D/s would ruin our relationship forever. I felt he had no interest, was playing a role and trying to be what he thought I wanted. It didn’t do for me what D/s should do because it wasn’t D/s. He spent a lot of time throwing up his hands and storming out mid scene (if you could even call them scenes) and I spent a lot of time crying. I begged him to forget about it altogether to salvage anything we could of our intimacy, but he persevered. It was during my last pregnancy, when our sex life was much less intense anyway, that the lightbulb went off.
I thought he’d forgotten completely, and to be honest, I was relieved. I regretted ever having jokingly brought it up again to begin with. What I didn’t know was that he hadn’t forgotten at all. He was studying privately, and during this study, he read a book about the emasculation of men. The side effect of a modern culture that did good things by recognizing the power of women, but went too far by demonizing the natural dominance most men naturally posses. From birth we teach them to shove it down lest they become a chauvinist. We expect women to be tenacious to strengthen their sex, but when men are tenacious, they’re pigs. It’s not fair.
The result is that our “good husbands” have been taught that the only way to interact with us is to be indulgent, never question, never push us beyond our comfort zone. All the while, women are told to “train” their men to be obedient pets. (If your dynamic is the opposite of ours, this may work just fine 😉 ) My Sir’s epiphany came in the realization that he was only doing it because I asked. The polar opposite of dominance.
As I said, I had no idea this was happening, but I saw the changes in him. He wanted his shirt collars pressed and buttoned on the hangers to keep them sharp. He complemented me more on the things I did or the way I looked. He bought different underwater. He rarely wore gym clothes except to workout (which increased) or at home. He talked to me more about all sorts of things: religion, world news, art, human nature… He took more care in his appearance. His tone was gentle but firm. Our pets started listening to him. So did I. Lol. I even told friends that I knew something was up. I would’ve thought he was having an affair if I didn’t trust him so implicitly! Also, he began touching me more. Possessively, not oppressively. He would take a firm hold of my wrist and something inside my mind would go still.
Now, my Sir does not read. He just doesn’t care to do it. So imagine how loved I felt when he told me his shift in behavior and renewed self worth came from buying a book to read that was intended to understand the characteristics of an alpha male because he wanted to make me happy. He told me that he realized he’d been making this about me and about sex. It was about neither. He’d felt like it was an attack on his masculinity and had been terrified of loosing the tiny bit of control he did have. He just didn’t see it that way until he started studying. That’s what lead to his storming out so many times.
The result of his epiphany did change sex for us, but that was only a side effect of the way it changed him. He gets what he wants in his work life, social life, and private life now. He is the adult version of the slightly cocky, dripping testosterone, 21 yr old I first met. The one I thought was trouble but couldn’t say no to. And I changed him, or I helped society to, anyway. I was so proud of his agreeable nature. So quick to shoot down his argument and society told him to let me win or he was a pig. I’m so thankful he came back to me, the driven, responsible, commanding, perfect man that he had silenced for so long.
In his research, he came across a connection. Most relationships need some level of this dynamic to remain viable long term. Without it, the husband becomes stagnant, the wife resentful, the relationship implodes. As wives, we sometimes lash out by further attacking their manhood. The silent treatment… As if they’re not even deserving of communication. Belittling. Constantly bringing up mistakes. Laughing about them to acquaintances (something I’ve always found distasteful), shooting down their efforts before they can even finish the task at hand. LK is SOOOO right when she reminds us to “feed his dominant,” but often, in a very good man, they have buried him so deeply out of love and “respect” for us, that they are the only person who can unearth him. We have to help, but we can’t do it for them.
For us, there were so many rough spots just before my Sir came to this conclusion. The many of the books and blogs he read weren’t even particularly kinky. Technique is for sex or punishment. It only gets you so far. Neither party can flourish in this dynamic until there is a dominant. Not someone trying to act like a dominant. Sometimes that takes time and self discovery, but it’s so worth the effort. Once he’d opened Pandora’s box, if you will, we were able to communicate and grow. Our sex life has never been better, but our relationship has excelled even more.
Anyway, this was just our experience. My Sir asked me to share it here because we, as submissives, need to be aware what we are really doing when we snap at him or shoot him down, and how hard it is to undo all that society has forced on you. It takes time and effort and there are setbacks, growing pains, but that’s okay. If you’re having the same sort of issues we had, my Sir highly suggests your dom researching the emasculation of the men in modern society. It is eye opening. An awakening. First, find the dom. He’s still in there somewhere. I promise. The rest will grow naturally from there.
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16 Replies
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Sirs Sweetness,
This was a beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing such an in-depth look into you and your Sirs dynamic. There is a lot of wisdom written here and a lot to learn from. i agree that the setbacks and growing pains are to be expected to some level and help us all D’s and s’s…along with slaves and pets …..we all grow from them when we use open and honest communication. Thank you for your sight and post. -
I asked Sir to remind me the name of the book since Sapphire had commented and asked. His reply text:
“The Manosphere. Understand it’s not a BDSM book. D/S yes. It’s about the male / female dynamic and how we have evolved. And as with anything, should be for education purposes, not a training guide. People need to do what works for them, not following word for word what they read.” -
Thank you for sharing this! Really, thank you. After reading this last night i realized how i had been unknowingly holding my Sir back for the past 18 years. The “good husband” would have probably dealt with it forever, as a “good husband” has been told by society he should do. However, i messaged him this link with a very sincere apology & asking his forgiveness & letting him know this is why i want this lifestyle…because it is what he needs & should be allowed to have without judgment. This post helped me round a tough corner on defining WHY i felt this lifestyle change was so important. Seriously, you have BIG gratitude flowing at you right now!!
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Sir’s Sweetness,
Amazing post and very insightful… I used to be one of those women to hold my Husband back.. I have a lot of female influence in my family and didn’t know any better, so needless to say, my Husband and I were unsatisfied for a while.
Thank you for sharing something so personal and I’m glad you guys found your D/s again!
♡SSB
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Sirs Sweetness, I love you his post. Could you share the name of the book? I definitely think this is something I have done to my Sir, less now than in vanilla days but I am definitely a work in progress.
Thank you for sharing this.
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The book was The Manosphere. I have Sir’s exact response when I asked the name a few comments up 🙂
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And thank you all for the kind responses. It definitely makes putting our personal struggle out there easier to know it has been helpful to someone else. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
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Thank you for sharing. This is beautifully written and gets to the heart of why I love our relationship having evolved into D/s. Sir is masculine in the classic, heroic sense of the word… not in the tainted way that modern society has treated the word.
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This post should be sent viral. Please thank your Sir for suggesting to have this shared. I have been struggling with the bossy and critical side of me. I come from a home like that. Now we are beginning a D/s relationship because I want him to feel like a man and I need the structure. I want to be here for him, not to be critical of him. You would think that we don’t love each other, when we are in so much love. Thank you again. I am going to ask Sir to read your post. Wow
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What a great post! How wonderful for you that your husband actually took it upon himself to figure some things out…for himself!
Can I ask how long it took between the time you two first spoke about incorporating the D/s dynamic into your marriage and when the light bulb went off for him and he began his behavior shift? We’ve been at this for about 9 months now and we are still very far from what I had hoped for. I’m running out of hope.
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Loved this post Sirssweetness! This dynamic change has been something Sir and I have talked about since beginning our 24/7 journey. My Sir was the sexy, cocky man I couldn’t control or say no to either when we first met. I am very happy to see that man emerging once more….of course he is even better with more experience and knowledge under his belt now. Having been so critical of Sir before is something I have remorse for now, but Sir doesn’t let me beat myself up too much about it. He just sees all the good lessons he learned during that time as well. Formally D/s was not something that would have gone over well early in our marriage, but was waiting for the right pieces to fall into place to get here now. So very grateful to all you ladies who contribute your challenges, passions, successes, and experiences to this blog. Know that others you may never know about have connected and learned from them. Thank you!
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I stumbled upon this by accident today. This is beautiful. My Sir has spent the last decade slowly finding his inner Man. D/s is really helping to nurture that and him.
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Wow. I was encouraged to read this post after sharing my situation in Warren Chat. My husband and I have always been open about the differences in men and women and how we operate. I like to think we are very educated about it. I also like to think that I have catered to him in ways to encourage his masculinity (and desiring to un-earth his dominant), while in fact I may have done the opposite.
He never said that he felt I did anything to intentionally contribute to his feelings of inadequacy, but certain behaviors have led to his dissatisfaction with our marriage and disappointment in me his unicorn whom he had placed on a pedestal. As for his inadequacies, he has been a long-time reader of books dedicated to walking in the shoes of an alpha male. It always puzzled me because I felt that he manly….all the while feeling un-moved by his lack of dominance. No matter how submissive I claimed to be, I think now that I never took his moves towards being or embracing alpha seriously. I see it in him, but it isn’t consistent. He is by no means a push-over, but one who bottles it all up. Now that I think about it, looking back, I can tell that he was feeling like he had no control. And he told me that he has felt that he had no control. I want more than anything for him to take the reins.
I’m going to try very diligently to create an environment and attitude where he can just “be” and that side of him come out. He asked me once what it was he could do to foster an environment where I could reach my fullest potential as a women. I think I missed my chance to take the bait. I think we are tiptoeing around the very subject that I am interested in broaching with him!
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I see a lot of similarities here with Sir, I’m gonna share this forum with him. Do you know the book that your Sir read?
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I don’t see that book. is there a link you can share or message me? The only one I see on Amazon is The emasculation of men in America, 50 reasons men are not men…..
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It looks like the book Sir’s Sweetness read was “The Manosphere”
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