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Teenagers who Know
Since moving our dynamic from bedroom to 24/7, my Sir and I have found our relationship grow stronger in so many ways. We are happier, calmer and more deeply in love than ever. However, after a couple of weeks my daughters (14 and 16) noticed the change. They said that they felt that my husband and I had a secret and seemed to be behaving differently. We discussed this with them and it seemed that although they saw the changes as positive they were a little unsettled so we talked in downtime about how we could continue in a way which would not make them feel excluded. Becoming more respectful to each other also meant that I began to see that as a core value for all the family, not just for the two of us so I guess my expectations of all the children changed a bit too.
I have to say that I am pleased in some ways that my daughters were perceptive and observant enough to pick up on the changes. During my time of living with their father I felt they had seen a negative relationship and was pleased that they recognised the difference in the relationship that I have with Sir. I was pretty open, particularly with my eldest who chatted a bit about it; we talked about how I felt a relationship should be and without mentioning D/s explained why the honesty, openness, communication and respect that we had was a positive thing. She commented that previously I seemed to make all the decisions but that now I was really nice and thoughtful to Sir and then he made the decision that I wanted him to anyway. She also expressed concern that I seemed more interested in him than in her and was feeling a bit vulnerable I think. She has just finished an extended period of exams so was feeling pretty stressed and emotional anyway. She also feels that her father, who she no longer sees, chose his new partner over her so I think it hit a bit of a nerve. More reassurance, and we moved on.
A couple of days ago we were walking to school and she asked if Sir and I still loved each other. I told her we did and she said that she knew what my necklace meant (it is a silver day collar with a small shackled heart on it). She told me that she’d read ‘The Story of O’ and knew what the circle meant symbolically. I have to say I was pretty shocked. I tried to reassure her the best I could in the short time we had before we arrived at school (it is only a short walk from our house and the building was already in sight when she mentioned it). Her concerns were that I was in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. Her question about loving each other was based on a concern that our marriage was failing and that we were trying this as a way to fix it. Again, she remembered so many times where I had tried to make things work with her dad, so this was a real concern for her. She knew about safe words and said she understood that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want but was worried that I would be lost to the relationship and that she wouldn’t have a real mum anymore.
I spent the whole day worrying about how it would all turn out and in the end I sent her an email explaining in more detail how our relationship worked. I explained that our relationship is based on respect, honesty, openness and communication and that we care for and love each other. I told her that Sir has the final decision on a number of things to do with our relationship but that he asks my opinion and listens to me before making a decision and takes what I have said seriously. I reassured her that if I am not happy with something then I will say and we would discuss it. She had been worried about walking in on me being ‘led about on a lead’ and I told her that all she should ever see is two people who are happy and communicating well. I said that she might also see him being protective over me and gentlemanly eg opening doors for me, pulling out a seat for me when out etc, not because I can’t do it for myself but because he wants to do it for me. I will not bore you with the whole email but her fears were based on what she had gleaned from books (she’d even read the first Brie novel) and the media about what a D/s relationship was like rather than what she’d observed from being around us. She said that she saw that we were happy and knew that we had a good, strong relationship. Like us when researching, what was available didn’t really fit with a married D/s dynamic and she was pretty confused about how it would work.
Later on we chatted with Sir too and she was very mature about the whole thing. She became more open herself admitting an interest in kink (pain and bondage) which is probably as difficult for me to think about as the thoughts she’s had to confront about me. She seemed relieved that she’d ‘obviously got that from me’ and we were ‘more alike than she’d thought’. I have no plans to tell our six other children but for anyone out there who is facing the same concern I thought it might be helpful to know that being ‘discovered’ by your teenager can have a positive outcome. We are closer as a result and while I wouldn’t have chosen to tell her, I now feel comfortable that she knows. And it may even be a positive; tonight she checked her step-brother for beginning his meal before his dad had even sat down!
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4 Replies
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I am not surprised how mature she is about the whole thing. You have obviously established a great foundation of communication with your children. It is wonderful that she now has reassurance that she is not weird or wrong for having these interests.
Great job Mom! 🙂 -
Thanks Princess. That means a lot; so hard to know if you have the balance right so I always worry.
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Thank you so much for posting this mrsW! The fact is most of us here are mothers and the lives we lead are not what is considered normal. One day it’s going to become necessary to have these conversations and you have set a great example. Please keep posting!!!
xoxo Juliet
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Mrs. W – I’m finding this later (obviously), but thank you so much for sharing! I’ve got teen boys, and we had a very difficult relationship with their father. We finally left when they were 12 and 15. We’d discussed all of our fears and concerns openly, and the three of us made the decision to move out… I worried that discussing the situation with them put too much adult responsibility on their shoulders, but I also felt I needed to know exactly how they felt before I chose to turn their worlds upside down. The situation forced them both to grow up faster than I would have liked; however, they’re now 16 and 18, and I’m so proud of the men they’re growing into.
Fast forward to today and my relationship with Sir… I’d sworn I wasn’t interested in dating (although my oldest son tried to fix me up with his friends’ single dads regularly,lol!). Sir and I had dated about 25 years ago and split up more due to circumstances than love. After the boys and I moved out, He ‘found’ me through facebook, and we began chatting. He was also separated. We chatted long hours, finally agreed to meet face-to-face, and the instant rekindling of our chemistry made it clear we wanted more. Before I agreed to see Him again, I discussed ‘dating’ with the boys, who enthusiastically supported me… until they actually saw a man with their mother. They were respectful to Him, but cautious. As Sir started being around the boys (although we were not in a D/s relationship at that point), the first thing they picked up on right away was Sir’s gentlemanly kindness (opening doors, carrying packages, holding chairs, etc). Their father rarely did anything like that. Within a few months, they trusted that I was happy and that He was good to me. Things progressed beautifully, and Sir moved in with us this past January.
Sir and I are trying to live D/s 24/ 7. There aren’t words to describe how in awe I am of Sir’s ability to walk the fine line of a ‘step dad,’ while understanding that I have always been the parent in charge of my sons. I am incredibly grateful for them to live with a man who is a good father and a good partner… He provides the role model I always dreamed my children would have.
So now, I’ve got an 18 year old man-child who’s in love for the first time, and I know he’s watching the dynamic between Sir and me with a different eye. He’s gone to Sir for relationship advice (yes, I tear up with joy when I see that). He comes to me for advice on what the gf is thinking and feeling. He’s asked a few questions that skate the perimeter of D/s. I’ve been careful to answer only the question he asks and not provide more than he’s asked. I know that at 18, he’s not ready to be a “Dom,” although I do see those tendencies in him. (He’s got a heart as big as Texas and a fierce loyalty and protectiveness for those he loves.) I’m not looking forward to the day he asks a question that’s directly D/s, and I hope I’m able to give an answer the dynamic deserves (instead of tripping over my tongue and stumbling around).
If anyone else has had this kind of conversation with a son in his teens or so, I’d love to hear your experience and advice…
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