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Submission in sex…a dilemna
Has anyone else had a really painful experience with a new toy…like so painful that as my body exploded in pain, I couldn’t breath or say any safe words but scream and revert to a primal response of getting away while sobbing? I had this last night and I am struggling to process. The event felt like a violation of my body without my permission not a gentle pushing of my limits. It triggered powerful emotions for me. I refused to let him touch me as he apologized and tried to comfort me. I laid curled up on the floor and the tears wouldn’t stop. I have been a very willing and enthusiastic participant of pain/pleasure play. And I had been excited about the new toy. But the timing wasn’t my choosing which leads to my hesitation on submission in sex at the moment. We eventually talked after he helped me shower and tucked me in bed. I told him that toy and that area(anal) was a HUGE NO. He agreed and said we would talk when I was ready to try again. But how do I articulate that I feel like I should be the one to introduce this act into our play now? That this is outside the bonds of D/s? Or do I hope that next time goes better?
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7 Replies
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Cherished,
I am so sorry you and your Sir experienced this. I recall anal pain being uncomfortable when we started many years ago. In fact, one time he slid into me unintentionally hard and fast. That was so painful that I had nearly the same reaction you did. Over time it has become pleasurable. What you have described seems more than just pain. Are you still experiencing pain today? As you gather your thoughts you should consider having a Downtime and discuss what happened and what you both can learn from it. You also want to comfort each other. I bet your Sir feels bad about how this affected you.
Something that will help in the future is to agree on your soft and hard limits. Have you and your Sir gone over this? This is how you will know when you are ready to introduce new things to each other or not. If it is a hard limit then this is a HUGE no. Of course, you want to look over these periodically as over time as these may change.
Also, our Sirs should be walking us through any new play before. This gets us mentally and physically ready. I prefer to test new toys out before just diving in. My Sir also has become better about reading me to know if the timing is right. If I had a busy day or just exhausted, that is not the tight time! Bring these things up during Downtime!
Many of us have had situations when play had gone wrong. Ask your Sir to pose the scenario on husDom! I am sure the Sirs will be open to sharing how they handled and learned from similar experiences.
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Cherished, you are not alone. Ours was an aaccidental slip like Marie described. So painful they was no time for a safe word and he knew what happened. We already have a specific guideline set up for anal play because even though I enjoy it, there has to be very specific preparation or it just plain hurts and not in a good way. Definitely discuss it during downtime and look at your limits list. I’m sure he feels horrible so be gentle with him. Also, after our incident I was hesitant to be I the same position as when it happened and my Sir could tell. He immediately told me not to worry he would be careful and we’ve been good 🙂
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Let me first say I’m so sorry this accident happened. You are not the first to have something go wrong. More than once we too have had accidents and hurt feelings, unfortunately sometimes even the best plans go wrong. The important thing is how you move forward. You know that your Sir would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, so this was an accident. How do you tell him you want to be the one to introduce this back into play? In your debriefing. When you sit down with him and go over your scene. Accidents have a way of tainting a whole scene because it’s the end, that’s when the scene stops and your left with that memory and feeling. When you go over your scene with your Sir remember the good that started it, your excitement for the play and the toy. This will take back some of your scene to the good, it wasn’t all bad just the accident. Then discuss the ‘what went wrong moment’ how could it have been done better? Then you tell him you would like to move it to a hard limit. There will probably be more discussion. Having a hard limit is not outside the bonds of Ds. Your still submissive with hard limits. I have hard limits that Sir wants and waits patiently for. That patience word goes both ways. Hard limits can change to soft and then become wants or they may never change at all. Again I’m so sorry this happened to you both. This is how we have dealt with things and moved forward I hope it helps or you find your own way together.
((HUGS))
Jsbunny -
I can only agree with what our sub sisters have already said above. The most important thing is to talk about this is DownTime and decide TOGETHER how you want to move forward. Sir and I have had accidents happen, too. Once he misjudged his strike with the single tail and it cut me. It hurt like heck and I felt betrayed because the single tail had never been used in such a painful way before that. He stopped the scene and took care of the cut, reassured me that it was an accident, and he apologized. I had to choose to accept that it was an accident and move back to a place of trust….knowing my Sir would never knowingly cause me damage and there is some inherent risk involved with this lifestyle. BDSM is pretty high on the “eXtreme sports list, after all! Accidents/misjudgements/misunderstandings can happen. You can move forward through this and be stronger on the other side if you use the communication tools LK gives us here.
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Thanks to all who responded. I feel better in knowing that I am not alone in this! I know he would never choose to hurt me, he never has, never even raised his voice to me. So I know something deeper is at play, my uncertainty/mistrust of men, my previous experiences of intentional pain not sexually but being beaten as a child and left alone to wonder why. Taking everyone’s advice to heart, I am choosing to believe him as he assured me over and over today that it was an accident but he knows that I am scared. In great timing 🙂 , I told whispered to him at the bank that I was afraid of having sex again. Ever the gentleman, he told me that he understood and tonight he would ease me back gently into our nightly sex session with no toys, just two lovers connecting.
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Cherished, I am so sorry to hear this. He won’t have intended it and I bet he is mortified with what happened. We had an incident on Friday which (whilst not explosively painful) lead me to demand (in a very unsubmissive manner) “don’t use that on me again!”
His Girl, do you have a specific guideline for this that you could share? It would be helpful I think because whilst I did not want him to stop the rest of his activities I just wanted that one particular thing to not happen again.
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Huntress, when I mentioned our specific guidelines I was talking about what needs to happen before he does anal. In your situation I think many couples use the red, yellow, green system. We use yellow if I want a specific thing to stop or change but am not wanting to stop everything. This is generally done if I have and itchy nose or something and I’m bound but would also work at times when something isn’t feeling good but you want to continue at a different our slower pace.
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