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Submission Implosion
I am having some very large issues these days. Most are carryovers from our vanilla days, but I am having incredible difficulty shaking them. Because of this, things are very shaken at the moment.
Communication is THE biggest stumbling block for me. I am terrible at communicating with my Sir. We went through years in our vanilla days where I didn’t share my thoughts and feelings well or at all. I kind of went with the flow. No one was happy. Since communication is essential to a strong D/s existence, you would think this would have gotten better. Not so much. Even when I have completed a task that was requested of me, I am finding it difficult to communicate that I have done it or what I have achieved so far so that Sir knows I have been working on it. Since I don’t update him or tell him in a timely manner or until he asks, he is frustrated that I am not doing anything, I can’t blame him. I often am unsure if I have enough information to update him on my task or if what I am going to say is important. Obviously, the easy thing to do is to ask if there is a good time to speak to him and just say it, knowing that he will tell me when the good time is or what he thinks. I have little confidence in this area. At my age, this really sounds ridiculous.
I also have instructions to not worry about finances. Yet, I do find myself being concerned. We are both wage earners and earn roughly the same. Sir does an excellent job minding the budget and has set up tools to do so. So long as there is money in a particular budget category I am good to go. Should be liberating, right? There is still a part of me that worries.
I worry about things that I have been told I do not have to worry about. Again, from vanilla days. I was always used to taking care of as many household duties as I could cram into a day. Now, I have been instructed to share the duties (really, how hard could this be??) and that my main focus is on making sure all of the laundry is done. I should revel in this, but my mind often wanders to sweeping the floors, animal care, and other random rubbish that, if I were really following my instructions, I wouldn’t worry about.
Sir gave me the most wonderful opportunity over the weekend and I am already failing at this! I have the chance to earn a new kitchen! Who wouldn’t want this? All I have to do is figure out several small tasks or a big task or two to earn the ability to pick whatever colors, tile, counters, cabinets my little heart wants.
What this boils down to is that Sir feels I have not embraced my submission and that I am submissive for other reasons and not submissive in my service to him. He is very upset at the moment and I do not blame him.
If you have read this far, you are wonderful and I thank you. I think I am looking for a mentor to help me grow my submission. Any advice would be welcomed.
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4 Replies
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Natasha, submission is hard, it takes time to shed the vestiges of the past and as a woman it is even harder to not worry about the thing we have always worried about. I find that when I start worrying, I make a mental note (or an actual one) to aknowledge that I have had it, then I ask Master if I can talk to him about something. I then kneel before him and tell him how I feel, I try and include the things I am worrying about and ask him if there is any way we can work something out to settle my mind. I re-affirm my love and trust in him and then ask him to forgive me for not being able to let go so easily.
You mention that you have to figure out some tasks, what sort of tasks? Do you mean you have to do something special?
If Sir doesn’t feel you have embraced your submission, have you tried analysing why you can’t let go. Perhaps LK’s kneeling challenge might be helpful to you, especially if you involve Sir in what you are doing?
The talking and communicating thing is hard sometimes to do, this is made even harder if you aren’t used to talking about the things you need. Perhaps try talking to yourself in the mirror about it, that can help us open up our language and vocalising. I also tried talking when Master had gone to sleep before trying to say something when he was awake. Another option is to ask Sir if he has any suggestions as to how you can let him know how you are doing on tasks without feeling so self-conscious? I sometimes use key words to let him know something particular as I can often feel very open and exposed. The key words make it easier to express myself.Ultimately I can only say a little here, if you want to talk more and don’t mind me nudging for answers then I am here for you. Please feel free to message me. Alternatively, the ladies on chat (warren chat) are amazing for advice and support if you want a more generalised view.
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Natasha,
Baby’s advice is great. I’ve tried several of the strategies she suggested, and I’ve had success with them. LK’s kneeling challenge helped “unblock” some reticence I had with communicating, and being online here has been an invaluable resource and subport.I have another communication suggestion that might appeal to try… Sir and I schedule a set time once a week (for us, it’s Tuesday Talk Time) where we sit down and discuss only our relationship… not kids, not budget, not future plans… simply US. How are we communicating? Do we feel fulfilled in our D/s? Has something happened in the past week that frustrated/ unsettled/ confused one of us? Did one of us do something which fueled an extra ‘fire’ in our D/s?
When we began these talks, my contribution basically consisted of, “I don’t have anything to say, how about you?” Sir had to task me to have a specific contribution to make to the conversation. At first, I found it easier to journal it… then I moved on to journaling my thoughts and sharing them with Him before Tuesday so we could discuss them on Tuesday. My journals included thoughts I had during the week, tasks I’d accomplished (or chafed against), questions I had abouot what pleased Him or how He felt about something that occurred. Frustrations I had with myself. Interesting things I’d read on here or in a D/s book I was reading. Etc, etc, etc. I don’t think that the content really mattered so much as the fact that I was learning how to communicate regularly without stewing on things until they imploded or I withdrew further into myself.
Now, I simply have a notebook in our bedroom and a note page I keep in Google Drive for jotting down my thoughts for Tuesday. I jot down a quick note on things as they come to me, and I’m able to talk about them in detail in Tuesday. Although, I have to admit there are sometimes things I still need to draft out in a full journal before I can discuss them… but I’ve definitely made progress. I’ve also found communicacting with other’s has improved – a real bonus for someone who used to suffer in silence and dwell on things!
As Baby already said, feel free to message me, too. Spend some time in the chat room. Message any of the moderators. I’ve never cum away from LK’s blog without taking something positive with me!
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Honeybadger, thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings and to give me such a thoughtful reply. I really like the “Tuesday Talk Time” idea. We used to do that for 10-15 minutes a day. We would go somewhere in the house, just the two of us and chat. Thank you for the reminder of this idea. I will talk to Sir about doing this again. I like having a special time set aside. Your communication suggestions are great jumping off points. I may borrow them as a framework for some of our initial discussions. I do need to go into discussions with a focus and notes or else I might ramble or forget something I really wanted to say.
I do have a journal that I keep. Unfortunately, I misplaced my one notebook and had to start again in a new one. I hadn’t thought of using Google Drive, but that is another great idea. I can access it anywhere, anytime, on any device. I always have my phone and tend to sit on a computer a lot these days.
Things are going much better since the other day. We had a very long chat and we both talked about what we felt the issues were and the solutions. I owned up to my failures and he apologized for not having strong leadership for me when I needed it.
The support I have received in this post from you and Baby and the support from chats with others has been like a big reassuring hug. It has meant a lot to me.
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I am so glad you are feeling stronger in your relationship, and I am happy if my subport was helpful. This site is an anchor for me… one of my most reliable tools in my D/s tool box. Even simply reading the posts and comments for fun, when I don’t have a specific need, helps fuel my submission. I feel proud to be a sub and in the company of such devoted, strong, kinky (big yeah on that one!) lovers.
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