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Struggling With Letting Go
It’s been a LONG time since I posted. My husband is in the military and has been gone for a long time and was already gone when I decided I wanted to try this way of life (it was too hard to start seriously over such a long distance for such a long time), so we’ve never really gotten to try it other than in the bedroom a few times (and we both thoroughly enjoyed it!)
Now his time away from us is thankfully drawing to a close and I should be ecstatic about finally getting to live the way I’ve been fantasizing about. But I’m terrified and confused and maybe a little bit ashamed?
I have zero shame about any of the bedroom stuff. If my militant feminism has taught me anything it’s that it’s ok to ask for what you want and need in the bedroom. I deserve a great sex life and so does he. We are 2 consenting adults who are in love and we should enjoy one other however we want, it’s no one’s business but ours. I am 100% comfortable and confident with that.
But my mind cannot transfer that comfort and confidence from the bedroom to the kitchen.
I want my husband to lead me. I want my my husband to be in charge. (Or as he puts it “I’m not in charge of you. I’m in charge of you finally being in charge of yourself.”) I want that. I NEED that. I’m kind of a mess. I’m disorganized. I’m lazy by nature. I’m sarcastic. I’m quick to anger and frustration. I don’t take criticism well.
Objectively I know all of this. These are my flaws and 36 years into this thing we call life, I haven’t had much luck changing any of it on my own. I want to change these things and I want him to help me change them. He’s willing. Most of me is willing. But there is that voice in the back of my head that says “What kind of feminist are you? You’re gonna ask him to punish you for XYZ? That’s crazy!”
And even though I KNOW feminism is about me being able to choose to live my life any way I want and I KNOW if it were any other woman talking to me I would tell her “Asking for what you want is one of the tenants of feminism. Go get your spanking girl, if that’s what your heart desires!” I find myself unable to surrender. At least completely.
I find myself wanting to control things even though I’m terrible at it and don’t genuinely desire to, but because it’s just force of habit now. It is what has always been expected of me. I find myself wanting to do a bad job my way instead if a good job his way because I’m so used to doing things my way, even though it has never made me happy.
How do I do it? How do I reconcile these two warring factions inside myself? How to I treat myself with the grace and cheerleading I would provide to any fellow woman?
I often feel like an unmoored ship. I’m afloat, but I’m not as I’m meant to be.
I have no captain, I have no anchor. I want him to be both of those and he wants that too. But I’m terrified to let him because what does it say about me that I am incapable of righting my own ship? Even though I KNOW I shouldn’t and don’t have to pilot life on my own, that no one does, it still feels like failure to depend so much on the guidance of another.Ok. Sorry about the verbal (written?) diarrhea. Thanks for listening (reading?)
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1 Reply
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Lizam,
Thank you for sharing a little bit into your life with us!! It’s going to take a lot of patience. I know the long distance can be hard especially in the Military field. I myself was in the military and it is so hard to be able to connect with your spouse! Start with the foundations with your Sir. Practice, patience, and communication are going to be a huge part in your D/s-M journey!
I look forward to getting to know you better and chatting with you in the chat room.
Best Wishes,
Luna
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