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Starting Over…again.
My Journey into submission started a long time ago, probably about 2 years ago when I read 50 Shades and maybe even before that. BDSM was always of interested to me but I was afraid to pursue it. After I read 50 Shades I talked with my husband about this, how I like that the book because it seemed to makes kink OK. This lead to some new kinkier sex for a while, added some spanking to our sessions but it was short lived. In December I came to my husband and I told him I wanted to explore him being a Dom to me, more of a 24/7 lifestyle, I showed him some Facebook pages I follow and explained how it was a greater commitment to each other not just about kink. Since December we have been one and off with our D/s, trying but hitting a lot of roadblocks. During this time I found LK and Mr Fox’s sites and both My husband and I started following them. Now I know we all it roadblocks but our seemed to be very frequent, we both knew what we wanted but we didn’t know how to get there. Downtime was used but was frequently used for vanilla life topics. We were/are great at the kinky side of this lifestyle but struggled almost everywhere else. I would act out to test is Dominance (whether on purpose or not I am not sure) and no consequences would happen which feed the issues. It all came to a head when one day I was so frustrated I took my submission back. I told him I felt like I was ruining what relationship we had before. The days that followed were tough but we both knew we couldn’t stop this, we had a taste of the life we both knew we wanted. One day I sat down and wrote him a letter and I read it to him, a letter that said things I never said before to anyone, explained myself better, my past and who I thought I was. I cried, he held me and he were on our way again. Again but still with roadblocks but moving again…. Then after hearing LK talk about formal acceptance to other subs I asked her about it. I didn’t think this was something I needed to do, I mean heck we’d been doing the for months , right? I did it anyway, I asked him again, for real this time, it went something like this…. “I want to give myself to you, I want you to take care of me. I want to submit myself to you and more than anything I want to please you and make you happy and proud of me. You will have responsibility too if we continue, you have to maintain the atmosphere here, you will have to hold me accountable to rules but I want that. I want you to punish me if I am being anything less than my best for you, being disrespectful or being a brat. I realize I may not always be happy, about everything in our lives or in our D/s but I am giving you this because I trust you and I trust that you always have what is best for me and for our family in mind when you make the decision, whether I like all your decisions or not I know we will talk about them and it is my job as your submissive to make your decisions act out in the way you intend them, not the way I want or wish for them to go, whether that is in the bedroom or in our everyday life.” This prompted a new avenue of conversation, we worked out some of the issues that I think had been holding him back from really Dominating me because he thought I would be unhappy if I didn’t get my way. Now we are moving forward again, only a few days after “formal acceptance”, this time with just 2 rules around respect for my husDom and honesty, so we can start out slowly. This time I think we are both clear about our roles and what we want from each other. In the 4 months prior as we tried to navigate the D/s waters I had rarely, if ever, really been punished, last night though that changed. It was not a difficult punishment but it set a new precedent for us. I honesty took my punishment with pride (at least I think I did)and was glad to see my Sir stepping up to his role. SO I think we might finally be starting to get this right. I hope this helps someone who might be having a difficult time getting started too, or thinking they are started but roadblocks are plentiful. It may not always be easy but when you know it is what you want we can just all hoep the journey is worth it. 🙂
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8 Replies
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Schatzi, I read your post, and I read LK’s blogs on foundations and formal acceptance. I journaled awhile on LK’s steps for communicating definitions/ understandings, clearing the past and analyzing personal issues. I thought about how I would formally ask Sir. Like so many (I imagine), I thought, “Do I really need to do this? We’ve known each other for over 20 years. I love him with every ounce of my being. We’re DOING this.” What gave me pause was LK’s caution about people who move too fast and skip the basics, and your sharing what formal acceptance did for your relationship.
Sir and I keep a dropbox folder where we share pictures and videos (yum), but where I also upload my thoughts and journals. While Sir is my most devoted champion, there are still conversations I’m shy to start, and I do better writing them out, giving Sir time to read and process before we talk. Then, when I’m shy, he can lead me by prompting, “One of the things you wrote about was…” So anyway, I polished my journaling on acceptance and posted it. After letting it sit on our minds for a few days, we discussed my journal last night. I’m 48 years old, and I hope I can say it was life-changing without sounding like an overly dramatic teenager…
The conversation began fairly “safely” because we talked about our definitions and expectation of D/s. We’d spent lots of time on this already, so we felt on solid ground. Then, we talked about where we envisioned ourselves being in this lifestyle in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… Sir is an extremely intelligent, thoughtful man. I knew he had a vision (as I did), but we hadn’t discussed that piece of this lifestyle. It was thrilling and reaffirming to know we shared the same visions.
Then, we moved on to the skeletons in our closets. Sir and I were together over 20 years ago, and we fell apart for several reasons. The reality is that we were too young, and given our personalities, we both felt the other needed time to sort out other things. However, we lost touch, and the dynamics of how we fell apart left both of us with a burden of guilt that we’ve carried for the past 20 years. Along the way, we’ve both engaged in some destructive behaviors to “punish” ourselves. We both made choices that weren’t the healthiest ones because we didn’t feel we “deserved” love. We both regretted that we’d lost the most precious, complete love we’d ever known. To voice our own guilt, and hear the other say there was never any reason for the guilt… To know the other never harbored anger, that there was no forgiveness to be given because neither blamed the other… Talking about those things was powerful. It caught me off guard because we’ve each made good lives for ourselves in the years that passed, and we thought we’d resolved the past in our own minds.
Then, we moved on to talking about the skeletons in our closets that weren’t directly connected to our relationship. Along the course of that conversation, we offered up our own personal failings and misgivings. We talked about things that we’ve never discussed with others. We exposed our most vulnerable spots to each other, and felt the other’s love and acceptance wash away the hurts.
I never expected such an in depth conversation to happen in the course of one evening (and yes, it was an exhausting, but liberating, evening). I looked at Sir and admitted I hadn’t fully formed how I wanted to ask for his acceptance… I’d expected more time to journal and plan. He chuckled and told me I could have as much time as I needed (which is so Sir), and I told him I wanted to ask for his acceptance that night; I didn’t want to separate it from the incredible sharing of all the steps leading up to it (which is so me). How I asked and how he answered are precious words to me. I admire your courage and openness in sharing how you asked… I know I can’t write it clearly here (at least not yet), and I can’t write it without tears of healing and joy… which will bring awkward questions from the kiddos in the next room! Suffice it to say I formally asked, and he formally accepted (with the sweetest words I’ll ever hear).
I’ve become more completely his than I thought was possible. Even at our age and with our experiences, we’ve become closer, more deeply connected… two halves that make a complete whole. I’ve never felt such respect, love, honesty, trust, joy or belonging. I freely offered my heart and body to him, and he gently, carefully, gratefully accepted them. I belong to him and will live to serve his happiness with the rest of my days… I will flourish under the care and protection of his love and leadership.
Thank you (and LK and Mr. Fox) for sharing your story of starting over… again… and setting me onto a path that lead us here.
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Honeybadger, I was so reluctant to share this. Starting over so many times made me fell like such a failure but I have to say the last 2 months have been so good. It really took some time for Sir and I to feel out how this was going to work, how we were going to be with each other that made us comfortable, and in front of others, especially our kids.
I am really proud to say at this point it feels like D/s Spills over into everything we do. Sitting at the diner table with the kids I will get a glace or a look from Sir that will let me know something is on his mind. Going for a run I know Sir will reward me for a job well done. Watching TV together in the evening a hand on my neck lets me know I am his(this one is my fav). I have tasks and things to do now that keep my mind in a much better place now, and they help Sir too so we both keep the proper mindset. And yes we still falter but it doesn’t feel like we are back to step one every time, more like speed bumps now.
Good Luck Honeybadger, I hope you find the spot where your D/s becomes very comfortable to you and your Sir also. And I am glad to know this helped you along your journey.
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Thank you so much for this post! I feel like I’m reading a page from my own book. I’m about to ask my Sir formally tonight and this has help me so much with what I want to say.
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Thank you for your sharing, it has helped confirm things for me too as we restart this journey in connecting on such a deeper level.
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Thank you, this helps. It is good to know others struggle too.
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i feel like we start over every damn day. I’m so tired of it. I want to have this lifestyle with him but its seems to be only at his convenience and when he’s wanting sex. He’s been on husdom and reading stuff there but its not sinking in because there is no change on his part. i purposefully react to him or talk to him in certain ways just to see if he will say anything and he doesn’t and it pisses me off. i’m ready to just forget about this and just go back to how it was. this is a two way street right? i wasn’t aware i had to do all the work and change.
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Red kitten, have you tried talking to your sir in down time or. Maybe writing a letter detailing your frustration? My Sir is a slow grower. Mainly because he wants this to be for us, not because someone else is doing it. Sometime it takes a while. I work on my submission, regardless of where he is at as a dom, I want to do things that improve who I am. This is a lifestyle for us we are new and growing in little steps. Maybe if you write a letter detailing why D/s is important to you, and give it to him. Those are just different ideas I have read in posts on here. Don’t give up. Even though my Sir and I are fairly new to D/s it is worth it. All great things take work. Just know that we all have struggles as unique as our D/s relationship are unique. Just my thoughts on it.
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wow, I to had the notion that we didn’t need to do a formal acceptance. I already have a daytime “collar” (it’s actual a leather handcuff bracelet) and a playtime collar, but I now realize we need to do a formal acceptance. I feel we are at a great part in our D/s relationship to do this. I had got a few skeletons out of my closet and feel closer to my Sir than ever in our 9 years of marriage. I think I need to start planning! I’m so excited!!!
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