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Starting a serious D/s married relationship
Okay, so I’m pretty new here (just joined yesterday) and hopefully I am posting/doing this correctly.
My husband and I just celebrated our two year anniversary on Monday. I had zero sexual experience before him. Mostly just a lot of negative feelings towards sex, due to how my parents relationship declined because of lack of physical… well anything over the years, and due to one previous relationship in which the guy was very conservative and never wanted to really touch me. My husband, my then boyfriend, really opened my eyes to just how amazing a sexual bond can really be and honestly that sex wasn’t a bad thing like I had felt. Two years married has been amazing. We have played around with spanking almost from day one. I always enjoyed it the most. He has always been dominate, but for the last 6 months or so, we have really been experimenting more with pursuing an actual D/s relationship in our marriage.
So, I had a few questions. These last couple of weeks, things have gotten pretty serious. I really want to give this a go and I can tell that my husband is interested as well. But, I’m not overly sure where to begin… do we dive in head first and do 24/7 D/s or start off slower with more of a bedroom D/s relationship? I like it when we begin setting up the scene while out on a date, it easily gets me ready for whatever he has planned when we get home. And I’m starting to really get intrigued at the idea of seeing how it would work to even do this while out with friends (the idea really turns me on, I just don’t know how to do it without being obvious? ). Things also get difficult when it comes to doing things at home because out son is 19 months old and copies everything his father does.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to continue/really start this relationship. We have some rules in place, but nothing is ever really set in stone, and it changes almost every time we start and stop. I try to always call his Sir ( I usually do this 24/7 to kinda try and keep him on his toes?), I often braid my hair and kneel besides him before a scene and I try to ask for permission before I do things (another thing tat I try to also do throughout the day). What else CAN or SHOULD I being doing? I’m so new to this, but the idea has always intrigued me. But besides FSOG (almost done with the second book – no spoilers please!) and some other random fiction books, I don’t know a lot. I’ve spent the last couple of days scouring this blog and others and actually used a few things I learned last night.
Sorry for the massive post. Hopefully it is followable. Like, I said, I a new to this community so hopefully I gave enough information and hopefully not too much. Thanks again, I look forward to hearing what y’all have to say and learning new things. Exciting to really start things with my husband.
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3 Replies
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Hi DominateMe,
My suggestion would first and foremost discuss how you feel with your husband. Explore how you both feel about the options so you know you’re on the same page.
Starting as purely bedroom D/s is a good place to begin – if it goes well it will naturally spread to other parts of your life anyway and it means that you don’t have to dive straight in.
That being said, if you both want a 24/7 relationship (or think you do) then there’s no reason why you can’t move straight onto this.
My suggestion in this case would be to start slow, give yourselves time to adapt and grow in your roles. A regularly reviewed contract can really help with know what’s expected of you both (and the responsibilities do go BOTH ways. Put down some protocols and rules which are simple and will help you develop the submissive mindset and him the Dominant. Waiting for him to start eating before you do as an example.
Any rules should be either for safety or of equal benefit to you (so something that helps you be submissive and him dominant)
As for things to do with an impressionable 19 month old – choose subtle things. My Queen when she kisses me will grip the back of my neck firmly – it drives me into a very horny subbie state but looks totally normal on the outside. Waiting for him to sit or eat. Being observant and offering to refill his glass/drink without prompting. Being extremely polite to him. There are a huge number of subtle things that you can do which your child will never notice…
Hope this helped.
My thoughts HerSubject
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DominteMe,
First, we are so happy to have you here! You have found a wonderful community that is always here to help!The very first lesson the LK taught me when I first joined here was to ask my husband “Do you want to try this in the bedroom only or 24/7?”. And then listen to His response. I thought when starting out that naturally He would want this 24/7 right? But I never asked Him till LK pointed it out! When He hesitated I knew I had not done my job as His wife of explaining the difference and showing Him my side of why I wanted this all the time. And so I started there. I explained how bedroom only meant that when we crossed the threshold of the bedroom, he was in charge. 24/7 meant that He was in charge all the time and we would figure out how to navigate it together. Neither was wrong, but each choice is the decision of each individual couple.
Here is where I want you to start after you ask Him that important question. ….. start right where you are. Right here, right now. This is the same marriage you have always had, but we are going to replace the parts that didnt work before (arguing, fighting for power and control) and put in what does work (The D/s foundation: honesty, communication, trust and respect). You both need to sit down and have the most honest conversation of your lives with each other. Get everything out on the table. All the skeletons in the closet, sweep out from under the rug. Whatever got you to where you are at this very moment (good and bad) you both need to discuss. Hear each other. No more pointing fingers, no more He said she said. Just Open Honest Communication from a place of love and understanding. Then…….. let it all go! Truly. Both of you let it all go! This is a new chapter in the same marriage book. So flip the page and start re writing a better way of being!
Ok, now that you have cleared it all out, you can start with a clean slate of honesty. You can both set the foundation as your solid base on which you will build a sturdy D/s home! We will focus on rules, rituals and punishment later, but for now work on replacing old vanilla habits (eye rolling, thinking to yourself “he should KNOW how I feel!”, pointing your finger to Him first instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing your part in everything) with new D/s ones (honesty, communication, trust and respect)……. as LK told me in the beginning: “whatever you would have done as a vanilla wife, do the opposite as a D/s submissive”.
As for when you are out with friends. …. you absolutely can have your secrets and set up the foreplay in front of them without anyone being the wiser! When you start to connect on a deeper level based on the foundation of D/s, you both become more in sync with each other and have a bond others will be envious of! Have secret looks, secret gestures that mean things! For example, last summer my Sir and I were on vacation with His family (tight quarters! Made for difficult ways to be intimate). But one thing we did was make a game out of it! How many times could he grab my pussy without anyone knowing? How many times could I flash Him without anyone seeing? We kept our rituals, but made them less obvious to others. And while out to dinner one night we were in a higher protocol. Meaning I did not open doors, or order for myself, and always stood on his right hand side. It wasnt obvious to anyone but us. And he had hand gestures that meant something to us (he would place his hand on the table, and I was to watch when he moved his fingers…. if he crossed his fingers, I crossed my legs. If he put two fingers into a V, I opened my legs. And so on…..)
And with your 19 month old son imitating your Sir, what better dynamic to learn how to be a gentleman than watching his father love, cherish and adore his mother?! It is, in my opinion, the perfect role to follow! Your son should only see the D/s side of all of this. Not the BDSM. Meaning, he should see his parents being honest, communnicating,trusting each other, and respecting each other. My two girls in the past year have come to respect my Sir so much more, see what a loving relationship their parents have and are learning not to settle for anything less than respect and love. They see us hug, kiss, go to each other for opinions and suggestions and that mommy respects and trusts daddy so much that He makes all the decisions to keep us all safe.
Remember that D/s, at the very heart of it, is so much more than kneeling, braiding hair, calling Him Sir, or other things that are portryed in books. It is love. It is being in love. It is a deep connection between two people who trust and respect each other equally. While each part has its own identity, they each are necessary to each other to keep the balance. He is your captain and you are His co captain. Help guide him with suggestions and opinions, and then respect and trust Him enough to allow Him to make the final decisions. Appreciate Him from the bottom of your heart and then show your appreciation through words and actions.
I hope this has helped! Message me anytime if you need anything!
Xoxo~KLB
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Beautifully written and well stated! Thank you for your insight and wisdom KLB!
xoxoxo Juliet
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