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Screaming
You say that I am important, that I am not taken for granted, I know you try and that your time energy are split in several places and with several people and so maybe I am just jealous or selfish.
I crave to know I am visible, and that you hear me, and that you have the desire to cater to my needs. But I feel invisible, last on your to do list, dispensable. I try to verbalize my needs, I have written them down and you give me the obligatory nod of understanding and then go back to the absent husband you have gotten into the habit of being.
I am suffocating as I disappear. I am jealous how you can tell other husband what they need to do for their wives and yet you do not practice what you preach. I am jealous of how efficient you are at work, or at church but you do not have the want or energy to do the same at home with me or the Ogres.
I sink farther and farther away when I try to be optimistic that this is the time you will hear me, this is the time I will be important, to be proven what I expected- I am dispensable. This causes me to not trust you, I cant come to you with concerns or wishes because they are valid and who cares if they are from your wife, they are not convenient to you.
The hope to despair is exhausting and all it is doing is causing me to slip farther into my depression. Since I am in this for the long hall and I will not give up our family no matter how of the rails it gets, I feel I have no choice but to make the invisible box I have been put in my friend. I have a great imagination so that must do. I will live in the movie reel in my head until it breaks me, and be grateful I can watch you from behind the bars of my prison.What I get out of this is even though my desires are justified, and the frustration is real, as a self chosen sub I can no longer use those desires and thoughts and expectations to control what I am to be. So I will continue to submit to the process until I feel like I am submitting to Him, because that is my role- I cannot control how He behaves or engages, and it is not my place to control it anyway.
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11 Replies
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Last on your list … I have written that to my Sir.
Habits are hard to break and take time.
I believe you have seen the glimmer of hope recently and I’m sure that makes it harder when he slides back.
Patience is a dirty dirty word but oh so necessary. 😉
Don’t stay in that box. Keep communicating with him. It may take time but you will both find a way to fit what you once had into your lives again. -
T.Y Princess, frustrating evening and morning, probably shouldn’t have vented. This too shall pass I’m sure
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I have to report, I spent the one hour learning the foundation and I can honestly say it probably saved my marriage if not my life. I took detailed notes (7 pages worth) I typed them so they were legible and then I with the encouragement of this group stepped out in faith and read the notes to Shrek. I as quickly as I could before I chicken out spilled everything with the most compassion as I could. AN amazing thing happened. I learned that 90% of what I was afraid of was made up in my head and the rest of the fears He shared them too. I can only speak for one day at a time, but I can see a path being cleared to our happiness, and it isn’t one I have made up to compensate for the lack of life I have been living.
On a side note- because I was admittedly bratty last night I was soundly and appropriately punished. Thank you Sir for putting up with me. And for my friends here, I cannot express the thanks for the sound wisdom and full acceptance I have received.
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Fiona I am so glad that you have finally been able to share with your Sir some of the fears and desires you have shared with us over the past few days. It is so important to be honest with yourself about what you want and need and then to communicate that with your Sir so that he is aware. By trusting him with that, you can start to build the relationship that you really desire together. I know that it can be scary to ask those questions at the start and also to listen to the answers but by doing that you can begin to put the past behind you, embrace what is good and move forward in the direction you want to be going together. Keep strong and keep moving forward with your submission – I know that you believe this is who you truly are. Hugs xxx
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I am so happy for you I’m in tears! I have been thinking about you all morning. Congrats you did great. 🙂
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Fiona – I am late in replying to this, although I read it the day you posted. I, too, was moved to tears. You spoke the deep, hurting pain I felt for many years. I am so glad that you are making progress and that Sir is aware, understanding and committed to change.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I especially related to your comment about fears being “in your head.” That doesn’t make them unreal – perceptions are every bit as powerful as reality. I still have some fears that I know are likely in my head, but I’ve found the strength to also know that I have to express them to Sir when I feel them. He is never angry, never condemns, never gives up on me. He nurtures me through those dark voices in my head. His strength leads me to a better place, and we are stronger because of it.
Lordy do I sound like a lecturing sub, so forgive me, but there’s one last thing I couldn’t leave unsaid… Don’t ever think that you shouldn’t have vented, especially here. Here, you are never alone, and in all likelihood, someone else has walked a road similar to yours. Vent! Don’t keep the hurt and darkness inside.
Hugs and kisses to your courage and determination!
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Thank you all. I am truly blessed to have found acceptance in a community of strong independent adults. I actually was talking to Sir about how amazing and refreshing this safe place is. I don’t know if it is because I discovered you with months of practice and learning under your belts, but I have received the best counsel, information that I imagine would have cost more money than I ever could afford. I mentioned that this counsel saved my marriage, and probably my life, things I don’t take lightly. This community is a well oiled machine and I am still in awe of the magic of its proficiency. I hope to become as wise and experienced so I can give back.
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Ahhh Fiona….your Amazing! Digging deep and having the courage to get it all out ther !!! I find each day a stronger,wiser…Us! This is the sister sority I never had…..you can always share here never to be judged. sister/subs. ❤️Curveysub
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Dear Fiona,
I too will apologise for a late reply… Life and my Queen sometimes limit the time I’m around (not necessarily a bad thing… Just a thing).
I’m glad to hear that some of your concerns have already been resolved. I would like to touch on something that I think has been left uncommented on.
You said you had chosen to submit and that as such if your Sir basically put you to one side and pretty much ignored you then that would be your lot in life (okay I paraphrased that a bit).
As a slave I can certainly see how one can fall into the trap of thinking that ‘since I submitted, I have to accept everything that sir does/doesn’t do’ outside of limits agreed on. I don’t get to set any limits, my Queen has set O/our limits. I get no choice in anything (although I may respectfully give suggestions). It’s easy, since even if you’re not in a total power exchange, to believe that Sir’s decision/actions must be complied/put up with. And of course, part of our submission comes from accepting those things which we might not have chosen to do ourselves.
BUT
(And it’s a big but) our submission comes from our love and trust in our Dom. In the desire to submit, to demonstrate our love for our Dom in submission. The flip side of this coin is and MUST BE that our Dom loves and cherishes us. Looks after our needs (after all I’m not even allowed to go to the toilet without permission – I have to trust that I will receive permission to see to any needs in this area).
This is a key point – your Dom, whilst probably entitled by your dynamic to see to his needs and to run the household etc, should be looking after your needs – not necessarily your wants, but your needs should be met. Otherwise, just like a plant without water, you’ll wither spiritually/emotionally etc.
Our Doms aren’t perfect and they may get things wrong (sometimes frequently while the dynamic gets established) but they should be focused on your needs too. Of course, sometimes they may need to be reminded or even told what those needs are. Doms don’t get a magic manual which makes them all knowing. Sometimes they need prompting or reminding.
In short, while as a sub or slave we shouldn’t expect to get our own way all the time, if you are deeply unhappy because a need of yours is being unfulfilled, then you Should be bringing it up with your Dom. It’s not topping from the bottom, but rather essential maintenance and it might just be something that your Dom was totally unaware of.
My thoughts… Your mileage may vary…
HerSubject
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well said HS i agree with you fully
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Well. I am 4 years late but will reply anyway 🤷♀️ I just had a lock myself in my room, cry for a week straight fight with my husband because I feel this way. I feel like our relationship is stagnant and unmoving. I feel that he could be married to anyone as long as he was content. He says no, he was happy and shared my excitement on my FA a long while back. I don’t feel it, not just in regards to D/s-M but in general. Within TTWD there is nothing, he doesn’t read unless it’s important to him and clearly learning from husDOM is not. Sure he’ll read the blog articles I send him but never respond or initiate any conversation on the topic. I’m at a loss. He has never spoken his feelings on anything except cars or politics lol. When I finally break and yell and cry all he can say is I’m sorry-no action behind it-I’m studying up and trying again. I can not be without this lifestyle, I can not go back.
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