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Rituals and Rules
Sir and I have been off for a few weeks. A lot of big things have been happening in real life that have required our attention and so our marriage slid to the back burner. It can’t be helped sometimes but if goes for too long that’s when the walls start building, tempers get shorter, and we begin playing as individuals instead of a team. I wanted it to change and so did he. I tried to remind myself to choose submission and respect but I’m human and couldn’t help but subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) think, “He’s not being a Dom so why should I or how can I be a sub??”. I don’t want to speak for him but I imagine he probably felt similarly. I tried to think of ways I could get back in the mindset and repeatedly came back to rules and rituals. We haven’t had any in place in a long time. The one ritual we actually HAD kept up with (me putting his Dom cuff on in the morning and taking it off at night) had become mundane and just another item on the “getting the family ready” to do list.
Red texted me on our couple app to remind me about downtime and I could tell he has every intention of getting us back on track that evening. I needed to do my part and prepare for it by writing in my journal (which I realized when I opened it that I hadn’t written in two months!). I knew I needed some structure in the form of rituals and rules but didn’t want to just go back to the ones we left behind seeing as they clearly didn’t work very well for us anymore/right now. So I spent some time doing research on them, reading generic and real life exmaples of them and thinking about what interested me and what I thought would interest Red. I wrote the definitions and difference between rituals and rules and then wrote down all of my ideas for him to read and respond to. He chose a few that he loved or thought would be best and I agreed to them. We are both looking forward to seeing how they shape up our days and improve our dynamic. He loved almost everything I wrote down and now we have a good list to return to when we feel we need to add or change something.
Here are the definitions I wrote and the new rituals and rule we have begun today:
Ritual- a structure (able to be routinely replicated) centered around a specific action or event that is focused on reinforcing the D/s dynamic and reminding both the Dom and sub of their relationship and responsibilities to one another
Rule- a structure that is focused on self or household improvement according to Sir’s wants or Darling’s needs (note: his Dom cuff reads, “Her needs before mine, my desires before hers”, that is the line of thinking we try to align ourselves with, him taking care of me and me pleasing him)
They can seem similar in practice but the distinction is actually really important. They serve different purposes and I believe they are both necessary in their unique ways.
New rituals:
*Morning- Darling starts the water for Sir’s shower and then goes to make his coffee/tea. After Sir is dressed Darling puts on his Dom cuff with a kiss on the cheek and an I love you. Sir responds with a kiss on the forehead and an I love you too.
*Afternoon- Between 12-2pm Darling must call/text/email Sir to see how his work day is going and ask if there is anything she can do for him (bring food to the office, a specific chore or errand, dinner/drink requests, etc)
*Evening- At the end of the day Darling will remove Sir’s cuff with the same kiss/I love you routine.New rule:
*My mental health is not in good shape and is one of the main priorities in our house right now. The new rule is that I must do some kind of physical activity everyday. Bare minimum a walk in the neighborhood or yoga flow at home. I can earn rewards (extra tv time, shopping, etc) by doing bigger things like going to the gym, attending a yoga class, or taking the kids to the park/zoo/play gyms.I was so tired this morning and did not want to get up and do everything but I did and it got us all up and going on the right foot. Sir’s morning went a lot smoother and there was just less chaos overall. Kissing him goodbye for the day with his cuff was special too. I’m excited to see how these work out and what we may add or change in the future!
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3 Replies
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Sorry no one has responded yet Darling. It sounds like you both worked to identify the problem and are working hard to get your D/s-m back on track. It is important for rules and rituals to fit in with your life and it looks like you found the right ones for you. Good for you both!
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This is fabulous. As Ciaran and I are starting our journey, this is a fantastic resource as I know that we will have bumps in the road. Thank you for sharing.
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Yes yes yes! I have pretty bad anxiety, especially when it comes to things like scheduling, not knowing what is going on etc and Daddy and I finally sat down and created a schedule (because He suffers from mental health disorder so sometimes dynamics must be put on backburner and then gets thrown off) so if all is well then W/we have a specific “theme” for nightly playtime what is focused on before sex, and if Daddy is having off day then we agreed there still must be some kind of “act” to help me maintain mindset so regardless I KNOW there will be some type of act of submissive nightly and its really helped!! So kudos and remember its OK if you backslide sometimes self care even in demands is so important and often overlooked!
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