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Replacing Bad Experiences with New Positive Experiences
First know I am not a professional and hold no license in psychology. I can only talk from my experiences and others that I have spoke to about their experiences.
I had some abuse that happened to me as a child. It left a hole in my chest that would scab over for the most part but every so often that scab would come off and I would bleed a bit. Abuse NEVER goes away. You just have to learn how to live with it and DO NOT let it control you any longer. I am 40+ yrs…. and I am still learning how to do this for myself.
But, sex at times would make me feel very dirty once in a while during my vanilla life. This dirty feeling is the same feeling I had as a mer 11 yr old girl when that a person in my family molested me..Only once it happened but it damaged me for life. I know my experience does not even compare to most but it did such mental damage to me. I decided one day to try to leave it behind and stop letting it control me. I had to control it. Heal it somehow. We started D/s and there was moments that would make me feel that dirty feeling again.. Well, I spoke to my Sir many times but never as honestly as I did after we started D/s and when we really started communicating in a very REAL and HONEST way, I told him my little triggers and we decided to do some of the same things or have him touch me in those ways that I would get those negative feelings…. I would work through this in my head as we were doing it.. He is NOT the perpetrator, I would say in my head. He loves me and he will stop anytime I wish.. I would slowly get out of my head and enjoy the touch leaving that old feeling behind. I enjoyed what he was doing and it took a few times of doing that until I could stop thinking of that abuse that had happened LONG ago. So, what did I learn from that experience?I took bad touches and feelings and replaced them with the same touch from the man I love and trust with my life. I made that negative a positive experience. I am healing ..still but I have come soo far. I am not telling people to take there own mental health in their hands but I am saying there is hope… You can be healed. You can help yourself. If you have triggers ect.. You need to discuss these things with your Dominant. Seek professional help when needed.
For example a submissive told me once that she had an “X” tie her up and she panicked and hurt herself pretty bad.. they divorced and she has a new husband of many years but never did bondage as a vanilla and now is in D/s and not sure how she can get through a scene or play with the bondage in it. This is what I advised her to try. Not a professional but IT WORKED…
Replace the old bad experience with new one with her Sir. She knew he wanted to try bondage and they spoke about the abuse… COMMUNICATE to your Sir that it happened..MOST IMPORTANT!
Then they decided to try little bits at a time.. During the day she would have one arm tied or lay there watch a TV show with a leg tied to the bed.. Just to get used to the feeling of the rope being there until it did not give her the panicking feeling anymore. They started small and tied her for just a few min. both legs or both arms. NOT both at same time. They both became more and more comfortable with bondage. Until she could play a bit..spanking scene with wrists tied.. she began to like the feeling of the rope. This takes time…. as much time as she or he needs… SO NO RUSHING EVER!!!! It becomes a goal.. work together as a team to conquer the negative and replace it with the positive. Good News they did it! She now loves bondage and learned so much about herself and built BIG TRUST with her Sir..her husDOM! Now will she never regress? Maybe??? But for the most part they built good where there was once bad… My Sir and I built good from the bad. Will I ever bleed from that hole ever again.. Maybe??? I have not since. But I know I can go back and my DOM will understand and subport me and conquer whatever it is that is bothering me… He has become my hero… He saved me back then and he keeps saving me ever since. HUGS TO ALL!I wish you all the love and success you can have in Domination and submission.
LK
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7 Replies
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Thank you so much for this post LK! I too was abused when I was younger several times. I sometimes got triggered when we were vanilla but I haven’t yet with our D/s. I know its constantly worries my Sir that he would do something that would trigger me, so we are taking our new lifestyle slowly.
So glad that your Dom helped pull you from such a dark place.
this post was super helpful -
This has been an ongoing struggle for me throughout the life of my marriage, and in other areas of my life as well. Giving up control, while very erotic for me, is also terrifying because of the abuse I endured. We’re still very vanilla, and I’m still learning how to cope with reactions and re-frame my experiences into something more positive (I know my husband loves me and wants the best for me), and knowing others have worked through it gives me hope.
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LK. , great share. I am struggling with past abuse as well. That person still can haunt me. Some of this I’ve never shared with Sir… The abuser lives ; I know my Sir well married. 25+ I truly think he would kill him. So, I keep it locked away the best I can. The D/s. For sure brings it t the surface
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that’s exactly what worked for me, doing basically the same exact thing or very similar and it replaced so much of the hesitation and fear with love and so much trust a feeling of extreme safety washed over me doing something I had been petrified over, I was so glad because I felt that I was missing out on something I used to enjoy before my abuser ‘took’ it from me and made it into something scary, lucky for my Daddy gave it back to me. This strategy works very well in many different ways, it’s very therapeutic and healing to face those fears with the one you love and trust
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Cheers to you honestjane,
Don’t let the past …….take one more moment …..Embrace your D/sm , love it, water it…….Feed your Dom ….watch ,Feel it …..Bloom ! Everyday I’m thankful for our D/sm ….we make it what works for us !
Submitt Happily Ever After , Curvey
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We are new to this… we started a couple of months ago. I was sexually abused and raped while growing up. There is some things even now days I can’t do. Or you can say wont do. My dom understands that and doesn’t push it. But there is other things I want to try and want to be trained in the right way so things I can take back my power on them and replace things with new good experiences. I printed out checklist and things showed him things I am interested in. Its like he has stopped… Its like he has found what he likes and starts to feel vanilla again and I want to scream. I am not as fragile as he thinks I am at times and want to push it. I want get rid of the awful memories and replace them with good ones with the man I love. I love the parts we have gotten too and I do a lot of reading and research and all about this lifestyle… It was his idea but I feel like I jumped in with both feet wanting more info and all and he is like dipping a toe in and I know he would probably be further along if I hadnt been the way I was before. But as of now…I have not used any safe words… Its all been okay with me. How do I get him not to stop moving forward? He is a member of the dom side. I showed him site and told him he should really check it out. I liked it so much than some of the other sites he was checking out and wanting me to join. I just didnt feel a fit the way I do here. I want to just feel free with this lifestyle… I want it to be more than me just giving to him…Any advice would be great….
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WESS ,
I understand . My shares …is SLOW …Slow… Let your Sir play enjoy…go at his own pace ! I do think it ok …not TOPPING..To maybe share in D/t how much your enjoying it , Your OK , You desire to give him more , you want to fly HIGHER 😉Continue to bold the foundation …water it …Let it GROW !!
Curvey
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