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Ramblings of a single submissive part III: searching for myself
I has now been a few weeks since I found myself without a Dom. Although my Dom and I never met in real life, I cared for him deeply, and I was fully committed as a submissive, in the belief that we would meet soon and have a real relationship. That didn’t happen, and I sadly discovered I had been filled with a number of lies along the way. Once again I had made the grave mistake of trusting the wrong person.
I never had great trust in men when it came to relationships, which is why I never really tried too hard. When I finally did try, I went above and beyond, and got completely humiliated. So it might surprise some that I’m still here, still searching for someone to show the ultimate trust.
Last night I came 100% clean to one of my best friends. She knew already that I had kink in me, and we would go to sex shops together. She is well versed in D/s from reading, but doesn’t have an interest in living it. Didn’t even flinch an eye when I told her. Just grabbed a piece of paper and started writing down book titles! She was surprised to find that I felt submissive. She said ”But you always top from the bottom?”. In many ways she is right. This is how I get a lot of the things I want in life, when it comes to work, friends and casual dating. But on the occasions I have been exclusive to someone, I have been submissive. I can be bratty, yes, but I always had a need to satisfy the one I was with. To take care of him. When I really care about a man, all I want to do is have his arms wrapped around me and feel safe.
When I found myself on my own, I made a set of tasks for myself. It took a few days to get in to it, and then it seemed to work well. Until a few days ago. I realised, that kneeling by my bed at night simply wasn’t doing anything for me. It felt more like a painful reminder of the one I had been kneeling for recently, and a reminder of the fact that I was once again alone. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. So I stopped. Had I forgotten to kneel one evening, I would punish myself. But there will be no punishment for stopping. It is trial and error for me, and I have learned that in order for my kneeling to make sense, I need someone to kneel for. As long as I am on my own, I have to find other ways of keeping mindful of my submission.
I am continuing with my other tasks though, and finding myself to be rather succesful with paying compliments to others and myself. It feels really good in fact. I am also spending some time learning about warning signs I should look for when engaging in contact with a potential partner. I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over. But instead of just passing blame (although I feel fully in my right to, when these a**holes take advantage of my naiive nature), I have to make an effort at educating myself. So, I have signed up for fetlife, and decided to look for a female Domme to help me navigate the community. I need guidance from a Dominant, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable learning from a man at this point. A Domme would not only be able to correct me when I need it, but also be able to see things from a female perspective. Mind you, I am only looking for friendship and guidance, not for someone to introduce me to play and scenes. That is reserved for Master Right.
At times I do find it odd to be reflecting so much about what it is I want in a relationship, and spending so much time trying to become a new me. Most people would say ”Just be yourself, relax, sit back and let love happen”. But I tried that already. It never happened. And I always felt something was off. I tried doing it the way ”normal” people would do it. But now I’m trying it my way. And for the first time I have a tiny bit of hope in me, that I might actually succeed at some point.
So, yet again a new phase is being entered. To the eyes of the world, I am still the same person, only in a sligthly happier version. And that is just how I want it.
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