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Questions
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As an empty nester and new Ds I am working on this 24/7. we are growing, but slowly. I am working on feeding his Dom and reading a what I can to become the best submissive i can. I’m learning, well not really learning, as much as things are being brought to light how to show my Sir respect and how I should behave so he’ll be proud to call me HIS, and ways I can serve him. I’m always looking for new ways to feed his Dom or ideas on serving. If anyone has any advice, a response is very welcomed. 🙂
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My husband and I are just beginning this life style/journey together and learning so much! However, I seem more enthusiastic about it than he. By character, I myself am a dominate person. If you know about the Myers Briggs personality testing, I am an ENTJ which explains a lot. However, after needing control all the time in all aspects of life I became exhausted (my introduction of myself in the intro forum explains it more) and it has become such a relief for me to have some of that control I need in life taken out of my hands in my marriage. I keep trying to get him on Husdom because there is so much to learn. I am trying to do so without being over bearing myself but he is stubborn and wants to learn on his own. However, he is taking what he “thinks” dominate is and can be hurting at times. I have let him know that the the d/s-m dynamics are different than what other sub/Dom relationships are and that is why Husdom would be a useful website for him. I am hoping he takes my advise. At this point I am overwhelmed because I am working on not taking control, but also because, even though I have gotten my formal acceptance he still does not seem serious. Any tips would be very appreciated. Letting go of control in something in my life makes things so much easier on my mind and body. I am trying hard and enjoying the changes but I want he and I on the same level. He is not alpha by nature which comes from years of being bullied and I feel as much as my submission is helping my own mind, him opening up to his dom side will do wonders for his own self confidence. Sorry if this seems jumbled… I’m just a little lost and confused now lol
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Mrskris I completely understand what you are saying and I am somewhat in the same boat, in fact Sir and I just had a big DT discussing some of this last night. We have been in the lifestyle now for about 4mo (started in May) We talk about rules, but he rarely holds me to them. Sometimes I feel we are moving forward but others I feel like he’s not growing as a dominant except for in the bedroom during sex. We did our formal acceptance and he even collared me. But in day to day operations I’ve been feeling like I am keeping rules for me as it makes no difference if I break them. He says I keep pushing and I honestly try extremely hard not to, but he still thinks I am. After talking last night we did write down my rules, in notes on my iPad and then I emailed it to him this morning so he had a copy also (he just wanted to write down on paper, but that just gets lost and crumpled somewhere. I may go ahead and re-write them on paper for him though since he prefers paper, I just didn’t have any at the time last night) He is on HusDom but doesn’t get on much, as he says there’s not anything new on there and the few times he has gotten on chat it’s only general conversation. (Although honestly I’m not sure how many times he has gotten on to chat either and I think he’s shy about starting a chat about being dominant or his sub or whatever.
Last night he made the comment about “you want me to make a schedule for you everyday, (I’ve asked him a few times if there is anything he’d like me to do or get done while I’m home on my days off and if there is a time by which I need to have it all completed) he says he has to make schedules at work and doesn’t want to come home and work too. I explained i do not want him to make me a schedule everyday, just once in a while. Actually to me it’s not a schedule it’s tasks at home that need completed, like cleaning etc that would make Sir more comfortable or maybe take less off his plate at home? Maybe I need to bring this up to him in a different way? I think he assumes I will clean the house on my days off work and I will make dinner, do laundry etc, so he shouldn’t have to tell me do those things, I hold just know and do them. Preparing the house for him so when he gets home from work he has a nice clean comfortable home where he can just relax. (Sorry if I’m thinking out loud. Lol). So maybe I should just ask if there is anything he would like me to do while he is at work that would make things easier for him, help him relax or lessen his plate at home? Hmmm. Would love some thoughts and guidance here.
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Thank you for sharing. I can very much relate! I find myself wanting more from my HusDom in order to feel safe subbing. I’m trying to work on being more submissive rather than demanding he be more dominant, but it’s so hard for my naturally dominant personality too! I want so badly for my HusDom to be researching more too. He hasn’t joined HusDom yet either and I wish he would.
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I think you will find that most of us have gone through the same situation. It even has a name, sub frenzy. We want everything and we want it now. A lot of us here joke about the “P” word…patience. Most of us are not very good at patience, especially when it comes to our HusDoms and what we think they should be doing.
I can tell you that once BayoWolf saw how serious I was about my submission he became much more serious about his dominance. It just took him longer to get there. One of the things that helped him sort of see where I was coming from was reading my journal. I wrote (don’t do it much now) down everything, how I felt about things he had done or didn’t do. I wrote about my fantasies and I wrote about my submission. As we went through those things together he began to see what I wanted/needed him to be. It took/takes time.
Feel free to reach out to me any time.
Keep Moving,
Pearl
BTW,
LK and Mr Fox have a podcast about sub frenzy even. You should take a listen.
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Hi LK and all!
I resonate with a lot of these posts. I was raised in a “Southern Baptist” home and all that it implies. I am the youngest of 3 girls and I don’t think that our mom ever talked to any of us about marriage or least of all sex. I do have a strong belief and faith in God, but never bought into the “submissive wife”. As I am reading the chats and discussions here I am learning that being submissive to my husband is not what I was raised to believe and yet at the same time it is (I hope that makes sense).
I will give you a brief recap or I will try to; pregnant at 17 (Sr year of HS), had the full support of my family (many girls at that time mid 80s did not). My father passed of cancer when I was 22 and that summer I met and married in Dec of that year my 1st husband. I was young and dumb, he was 15 years my senior (my dad was probably smacking his head in heaven) and I found out after 5 yrs that he was addicted to porn (i don’t mean the mild stuff) this was totally foreign to me and I stuck around fighting it for another 5 years. The breaking point was when my son (in elementary school at the time) discovered what was on the computers that were all networked together (oh did I mention the ex was a hacker?) This not only made me angry but also put a self-confidence twist to the issue. Was I not enough? What was wrong with me? He also cheated on me, but he didn’t think it was cheating bc it was “just a bj behind the building” I was 30 at the time and 123 lbs (WTF!). I kept all of that anguish to myself other than my best friend (my mom still doesn’t know the extent), and finally ended up moving my son and I out and getting a divorce. Right before I did that I met my Daddy through mutual friends and volunteering at the same community events. We struck up a friendship, and then a love for one another and here we are today.
The first 5 years of our marriage was absolute HELL, even he will tell you that. He had 2 daughters which are my daughters (no question from the beginning) but I was the “evil” stepmom. Today we are all in a different place in our family, you would not be able to tell that our “adult” children were not the 2 of ours by birth. They are all 18 months apart and bonded like blood (I am so proud of all of them, and it was not been an easy journey for them either).
So anyway, I am new to being submissive. Watching my sisters and my mom, and going through what I did at such a young age influenced me to be very independent. Daddy and have often laughed and teased about me being the “submissive wife”. When we first were married I did concede to him (is that the right word?) in various things in our home life and with the kids (our son being the youngest and graduating HS), I was recalling today how when all of us were watching tv at night, I would sit on a pillow at his feet (mainly bc the kids were all on the couch and he was in the chair), but still that was a submissive posture. Where did I loose that and when? I really want that back for myself and for him.
Since April he has not been working, and stupid covid has been a blessing and a curse. We have a lakehouse (VERY small and not fancy) that we are planning on being our retirement home. Over the summer because he wasn’t working and we had refinanced our home in the city, we were able to take that equity and fix up the house at the lake. Out of boredom (bc men have a need to be providers) he started reading erotic stories. I have been wfh since march, so I am oblivious to what is going on bc I trust him. Over the summer, the red flags started going up, I discovered a couple of things quite by accident in October, and then watched his behaviors. I confronted him around Thanksgiving after I watched 2 days in a row (once at our daughter’s house and then next day at a friend’s house), him communicating on his cell with these “friends”; day 2 I lost it. Not horribly, but enough to let him know that I knew and that it had crushed me and I was pissed. I don’t know how to explain the absolute physical pain that hit me. To me it was infidelity even if online, but it was also texting and other I am sure. He was surprised and I think embarrassed at the same time, he did not have experience with these type of sites or the people on them and got sucked in. Now that doesn’t make it a “pass” or any less of a problem.
We have worked through that, and I still have a bit of lingering on the trust side, but he has at least opened up and on this site (which I joined with his approval) I have understood more, but really not a fan of it. I appreciate the openness that everyone shares, and I feel a real energy with all the ladies that want to keep their marriages monogamous and will fight to do so.
After all of that (sorry, I did not intend for it to be so long), I just don’t know where to start for myself. He is also registered on husDom, but not sure how that will go, he is the “manly man” and I am trying ever so hard to submit to him as I once did when we were first married. He seems to be steps ahead of me, and I am trying desperately to catch up.
Thanks for listening and thanks for any advice and help.
Gracieanne
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Gracie,
Wow, yeah I can see why trust could be a serious issue.
Please send me an email so I can respond and ask more questions privately. (Who are the people on the phone calls or texts ?)
Email me back LK@subMrs.com
HUGS! XOXO LK
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Two months in I have already fallen and scraped my knees. Is anyone else a complete control freak by nature, handling all aspects of life and bearing the invisible load many mothers and caretakers carry? I need and want this so badly but find it very hard to let go. Is it wrong to need my HusDom to step up his game in general, everyday life, in order for me to feel safe being sub? We are attempting this 24/7 and in some areas are finding success…until I try to run ahead or make demands that he catch up.
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I think it would be strange if you hadn’t had set backs. I would encourage you to set down with your HusDom and talk about some of these areas. There is no “One true Way” to do D|s-M. Every dynamic looks different. Maybe there are some areas where you are largely in charge. Sir and I are essentially 24/7 but our dynamic doesn’t look like everyone else’s or even like our did 3 years ago. Take it easy on yourself and your Sir.
Keep Moving,
Pearl
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Oh my goodness! This is EXACTLY what our relationship has been. He recently said those exact words, “I feel like nothing more than a paycheck.” How sad. I’ve taken total control for so long, its going to take a lot from me to show him his true worth. I can’t wait till he starts to feel his roll. Or see the gift I am so serious about.
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My Sir and i have been married for 12 years and have three children, all with autism. He stays at home and cares for the children and i work. I know that this arrangement has a significant impact on how he feels about himself. We just started our journey into this, and i want to give Him the gift of dominance in our home full time. I am not sure how to start this in the daytime. Our children are difficult and require full time attention. When i get home the children park on me and Sir usually had to get things for me. I don’t want him taking care of me but don’t know how to change this. Any ideas anyone?
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