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Punishment
I was wondering how others handle punishments. Punishments are a challenge for me. I know why I’ve been punished. Much of the time when I am punished, I know what I did wrong. I find, however, that I carry the punishment with me for hours or even a day after. I feel as though I have failed. I feel bad. I might retreat. I have difficulty moving on.
How do you react to punishments?
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16 Replies
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I think it is important to recognize what type of punishments each subbie receives in order to better understand how they react. Are you talking about physical punishment? Humiliating punishments? I am sure that ladies who receive physical/humiliation punishments might be able to help you a bit better, but I will answer your question all the same. 😉
As for myself, Sir does not physically/humiliatingly punish me in any way. He has told me that he never will. I get verbal punishments mostly…lectures (yuck) or some type of privilege taken away. I really really really can’t stand a lecture, but my feelings about it are not long lasting because once Sir addresses the issue, we move on. There is no dwelling on it and he doesn’t hold it over my head. I am left with more of a feeling of understanding why it was important to Sir for me to follow what he said I do and I just strive to be better….most of the time. 😉 I can still have moments of regressing into an almost child like mindset and want to “buck” authority, which does absolutely NOTHING for growth.On a side note; Sir also likes to re-enforce my good behavior with rewards and tends to keep things on the more positive side of things and I would much rather have a reward than a punishment, so that tends to work better for me. I do much better with positive re-enforcement than punishment…Sir recognized that pretty early on, and told me that is the direction he would rather go.
Smooches,
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For me punishments clean the slate and allow me a fresh start. I usually feel pretty bad for messing up, and punishments allow me to “pay” for the mistake. I suggested spankings and Sir agreed. The pain combined with Sir’s lecture helps to get me out of my own head (I emotionally berate myself for long periods when I feel I’m not good enough, not doing well enough) and focus on what Sir wants me to feel. For me the lecture is the key, Sir helps bring me to guilt and remorse instead of shame, imprints how I need to behave in the future, and gives me encouragement and drive to do better. I’m usually brought to tears and Sir holds me afterward (after care is very important to us). He tells me how proud he is of me that I took my punishment well and he knows that I am his good girl and will do better. I always feel forgiven. And he always makes sure that I am in a good headspace before letting me go do other things.
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I think this is really how I feel I would want punishments. I really identify with this. We haven’t totally decided on punishments but lectures along don’t seem to work, they make me feel bad and I try to do better but I think I need the extra to keep me from sliding right back into some bad behaviors, although I did tell him that I thought my punishments should depend on the crime. If it’s a small thing then might not be as bad a punishment but if it’s a bigger thing or repeat offense then should be worse.
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I am just responding because for me to put it out there forces me to not retreat from the tough stuff we are sifting through. Change is sometimes hard for me, even change I desperately want.
If we need structure and accountability, can we achieve those things without both reward and punishment?
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If we need structure and accountability, can we achieve those things without both reward and punishment?
This is just my opinion, but in this lifestyle…no. It is a part of the dynamic. When I ask my Sir for accountability, it is with the understanding that there are consequences for my actions both good and bad. It is also my Sir’s responsibility to re-enforce the rules and structure he has set into place for our dynamic to work.
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If I fail to do my part in our lives then I am not a very good and caring wife or mother. Punishment for me is in the consequences that come with not cleaning the home, not having a meal prepared, not monitoring bills and getting things paid on time. I am a person who carries responsibilities sometimes to the point of ridiculousness. I don’t want the bad things to happen for my husband or children so I am careful to mind the things that are my duties to perform.
My husband has laid out expectations for home management, childcare and behaviours but the motivation has always been my desire to be sure the home is tended, my kids well cared for and my husband happy. The natural consequences to my failure is the same as anyone else. If you don’t remember to be organized and pay the bills, the lights are shut off. If you don’t plan for dinner, your family doesn’t have a dinner cooked to eat. I have done my best out of respect for my husband and love for my family.
While he and I are working on recapturing what we once had, we are also making changes that we hope work better. This is an area we look and are trying to find better ways of handling things. The past year’s toll on me is that I burned out. I am exhausted and I am struggling to function as I used to. I wanted more structure, clearer lines of roles and expectations early on and now it’s a real need for me to get back on track.
We aren’t sure what the right things are for us in accountability but we have had conversation on it and need to talk more.
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We aren’t sure what the right things are for us in accountability but we have had conversation on it and need to talk more
I do thing accountability is important in this lifestyle for both partners, and how that is handled is unique to the partnership. For me spankings work because he is right there with me, they are painful then over quickly; and removal of my iPad when I should be doing chores so I don’t have that distraction. Punishments that allow me to think too much wouldn’t because I end up in a detrimental emotional place. I know others that would find spankings too severe; and couples who find corner time, line writing, mouth soaping, extra tasks, etc, to be effective. Every couple is different. Maybe just talking about the infraction might be enough correction. Find what works for you, what brings a desire to do better, and a positive view going forward. My Sir and I try to get me to a place of “I made a mistake, I’m human, imperfect. We have discussed what happened, where I went wrong, and how I can do better. I can forgive me, and he has forgiven me. I will try again, try to do my best. I don’t have to be perfect. And he will help me by providing structure and moral support.”
It might take a little time and maybe some trial and error but you’ll find what works for you as a couple.
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I love this beth, it’s so true! Thank you for writing it, I seem to really identify with your point of few on this issue, although Sir and I are still sorting through all this.
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NF,
Just like all of our D/sm ..I think How we all handle ; Punishments will vary . My share is New way , fresh start ….on Everything ….I LOVE that disagreements, stuff are addressed talked about , punishment given accepted and that IT, Its OVER !
No , more brewing, thinking about it ….More on the Life and LOVE!
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First, my apologies for posting and dashing. The weekend was insane.
I am humbled by the many thoughtful posts that have been shared. The advice,thoughts, and experiences shared are very helpful.
Punishment for us can take a few different forms. There can be a verbal warning/reminder of something inappropriate (like I received last night), a more lengthy verbal scolding which has more detail and is very formal, or swats on the rear (not my favorite as I find them humiliating) and a formal discussion. Sir likes to clear the air and make sure that the infraction is understood. Sometimes I might also lose a priveldge. I lost my smokes and I have not been happy.
I agree that carrying the punishment around like a handbag is not a good idea. Once the punishment has been issued and the consequences set, if any, then you need to move on. It is easier siad than done.
Having discussion as part of punishment helps with the accountability. In the past this was something that I trouble with. If you did the deed, fess up. Accept your role and repsonsibility.
Beth, I think you are onto something. Once our Sir has forgiven us for the infraction, we need to forgive ourselves.Veruca, thank you so much for the blog post reminder. I wil be hopping right over to re-read that one!
Clearly, everyone has a different way of handling punishment in their D/s. The desired end result is the same. Better communication and a better relationship.
Natasha
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“Once our Sir has forgiven us for the infraction, we need to forgive ourselves.
This is something that I need my Sir’s help with, to get me to the right emotional place to move on. He always makes sure to tell me it’s over, it’s okay now, and I’m his good girl.
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“No , more brewing, thinking about it ….More on the Life and LOVE!”
I am too introspective. ;P
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I have a bad habit of ruminating – compulsively focusing on my unhappy, disappointed-in-myself feelings and the possible causes and consequences, as opposed to looking for solutions.
“Extensive research on the effects of rumination, or the tendency to self-reflect, shows that the negative form of rumination interferes with people’s ability to focus on problem-solving and results in dwelling on negative thoughts about past failures…
The tendency to negatively ruminate is a stable constant over time and serves as a significant risk factor for clinical depression. Not only are habitual ruminators more likely to become depressed, but experimental studies have demonstrated that people who are induced to ruminate experience greater depressed mood. There is also evidence that rumination is linked to general anxiety, post traumatic stress, binge drinking, eating disorders, and self-injurious behavior.” [Wikipedia: Rumination (psychology)]
I am working to change my thinking, to get away from dwelling on my shortcomings. I recognize I make mistakes, this does not make me a bad person flawed forever to get it wrong (even though some days it really feels this way). I am perfectly imperfect, and that’s okay. This change is not easy, I’ve spent years ingraining this habit. But Sir is helping me, guiding me to find better ways to say and do things, to focus on finding solutions and improving my optimism, and to accept my imperfections and imperfectness. Dwelling on my mistakes only holds me down, holds me back, robs me of the joy I am worthy of. I want to be happy for Sir and for myself.
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Beth, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing. I can see where constantly thinking about the negative can create depression. For me, I just get angry or retreat. I need time by myself.
I have been doing a little better this week with regard to my reactions to scoldings. (I haven’t required a punishment even though I made two mistakes within minutes of each other.) After the scolding, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it was done and that we could now move on. It helped.
Unfortunately, I my communication is stumbling a bit this week and I need to get that up a couple notches or punishment will be had. :-0
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It sounds like you are making positive progress forward.
After the scolding, I took a deep a deep breath and reminded myself that it was done and that we could now move on.
…my communication is stumbling a bit this week and I need to get that up a couple of notches..
You recognize how you need to change and you are taking the steps to do so. We all have room for improvement and you are striving in the right direction. You can do it! ?
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