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Overcoming childhood abuse
Just for the short time that I have been a part of this community, I have realized that many of us have faced abuse in our pasts. And when I was first introduced to this d/s lifestyle, it completely turned me off bc I thought that was what this was about too. I had experienced abuse and had no intentions of going through it again. But something kept me researching more. I feel like sharing my story in hopes that if someone is new and uncertain, that you can find some comfort and ease your worries. My life before d/s and my life after are polar opposite and I am so thankful. D/s is about so much more than kinky sex. I will also tell you that my story may be very graphic for some.
First, if you were to meet me today, you would think I had a fairy tale childhood. I am very driven and goal oriented, successful in business. I love people and connect very easily, never meet a stranger. I am outgoing and love adventure. The few people that know some of my past have a hard time believing it. Some of my first memories are memories of abuse. As a child, I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually. From a very very young age, I always knew that my mother had problems. She would fly into fits of rage and was extremely emotionally unstable. I don’t ever have a memory of feeling safe or secure. I don’t have a memory of being able to trust my parents. I can’t really recall how often I was beaten. I remember one time being spanked so hard that I felt my back pop and was worried I couldn’t walk. I was then thrown against a wall and slid down and left there, crumpled in the floor. I still have no idea what I did that time. When I was 3-4, I was hospitalized from dehydration due to a virus. Once I was home, I felt like I was going to vomit again and I remember my mother standing in the doorway and yelling/threatening me that I had better not get sick again or I would ‘get it’. I knew what that meant…and I didn’t get sick. I held it in. I thought I was going to die that night. I can’t count the nights I laid in bed and would try to think of things I could do so they would like me and be happy with me.
The verbal abuse was constant. I don’t know if there was ever a day that I didn’t get yelled at for something. Told how better their lives would have been without children. Told I was worthless and couldn’t do anything right. My spirit was broken, crushed. I felt like a failure. I had no idea what I had done to deserve what I was going through. The sexual abuse started when I was 9. My father would slip into my room, my mom had no idea. The first time he molested me, I still can’t properly articulate the emotions I felt. I felt like I must have done something so bad. Each time became more aggressive. I would try to pretend to be asleep praying that he would leave me alone. It didn’t work. He would attack me so hard, that my vagina would still be hurting the next day. I didn’t know what was going on, I just knew it was so very wrong. I was ashamed. I told no one! This lasted for about a year when I moved in with my grandparents.
When I was 16, one of my friends fathers bought alcohol for all her friends. By this point, I had turned to drugs and alcohol- looking back it was my attempt to numb the pain I felt so deep inside. I got very drunk and that night he molested me. I only have small windows of consciousness that I remember. Each window that I recall, more and more of my clothes were off until he had his hands in my vagina. I found myself drunk another day that same week, and a boy walked me off alone and raped me. This created a downward spiral. My drug and alcohol abuse worsened. I had taken ownership of everything that had happened to me up until this point. It was all my fault.
But then I met my sir – he was my knight in shining armor. He was everything I wanted and I couldn’t believe he could possibly be attracted to the likes of me. But he was. We have a love story that makes me swoon every time I think about it. He rescued me from my life. He knew everything about my past and what I had been through and didn’t run away. He prayed for me when I had no idea he was praying for me. He was the first person that ever told me that they loved me. He became my rock. He became my protector, my Goliath. His family became the family I never had. He helped introduce me to Jesus. We got married, had a baby, bought a house, started working in youth ministry. From the outside we were the all –American dream family. I thought I had ‘dealt’ with my past. But I hadn’t at all. The voices, demons, in my head never left. . I never felt like I deserved him. I felt like he deserved someone better. I was constantly worried that he would get tired of me and walk away. I was afraid he would wake up and realize he had made a mistake and that I wasn’t good enough for him either.
The same coping mechanisms I used to survive as a child, I brought into our marriage. I would completely withdraw from him and push him away. I wouldn’t tell him how I felt and I bottled it up. It never mattered what I did or said, he never through 16 years of marriage has raised his voice to me. When I would pull away, he wouldn’t let me go. He demanded if we had a problem for it to be worked out. Yet, he felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me so as to not upset me and cause me to withdraw. I never had a sex drive….ever. I associated sex with pain and shame. Sir would ever so calmly from time to time remind me of how long it had been, sometimes it had been months. He was so very patient with me. If I could ever get passed a certain point, I enjoyed sex and could orgasm. And I would wonder why I didn’t want to do that more often. I always felt relieve after we had sex, bc I knew he would happy for a while and I would be ‘off the hook’. I hated this about me. When I was 35, I began to have flashbacks of the sexual abuse I had suffered. They started small but got worse and worse. If sir went any where near my clit, I would have an immediate flashback. I didn’t tell him. The more he touched me, the worse and more intense they got. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself that this was my husband and that he would never hurt me, the images kept flashing. By the time we had finished, I was a wreck. I would go to the bathroom and try to compose myself. I started dreading any type of sexual encounter at all. I didn’t want to do anything that might turn him on. It was awful! I finally broke down and told him and he told me he wouldn’t touch me again unless I put his hands where I wanted them. It was such a relief for me, but at the same time, I felt awful that I was the way I was. I felt like we had lost all passion in our marriage. I felt like we were roommates. Each having our own day to day activities. We talked but were not communicating on a deep level. I found myself withering. I desperately wanted things to be different and he did too but I had no idea how to express them.
When I discovered D/s, I knew that I had found what I was looking for! Although he had always protected me, I had never allowed him to protect me…I hope that makes sense. Although he tried to nurture me, I didn’t allow him to nurture me. Although we would try to talk, I never opened myself up fully-I always kept part of me behind a wall. When I presented D/s to him, he was immediately on board. By my submitting to him, it has allowed him to step up and be the husband he has always wanted to be but was afraid to be. We have been on this journey for 6 weeks now and we have talked and communicated on a level that I didn’t know was possible. Although I had dealt with my abuse, what I hadn’t dealt with was the voids it has left in my life. The things that I crave the most are the very things that a Dom provides – care, guidance, protection, patience, strength, training. I didn’t want to be in control any more. What I knew is that my psychological needs ran deep. What I found is that when sir began to fill them, it also affected my physical desires!
So what about the sex? Well I can say I have had more orgasms in the past 6 weeks as I have had in years! Sir can touch me anywhere…and I enjoy it. Not once have I had a flashback and sirs hands have been all over my body! This person, who once dreaded sex, now craves it! I crave his touch. I crave his presence. I crave his Dominance in every sense of the word! -
7 Replies
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So wonderful how the D/s has allowed you to feel safe and connect with him in a way you haven’t been able to.
Thank you for sharing gf. -
gf I felt quite emotional when reading this as what you have been through is not something any young person should suffer and it made me feel angry but also honoured that you feel safe enough to share what is such a personal and raw part of your life. I think that this will really help other members who may be in a similar situation and may encourage those considering D/s to see how it can allow you to heal the parts which abuse has destroyed or damaged. Thank you so much for posting this and for the trust you have shown in this community by opening up like you have – I’m sure it can’t have been easy to write about. I am really enjoying following your journey with you Sir and wish you both all the happiness that you so very much deserve. Much love mrsW 😀
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I really appreciate your comments. I had it on my heart to write about, but then wasn’t sure. So I just saved it. I then decided to let Sir read it and get his opinion. He encouraged me to share it. So I thank you for help validating that I did the right thing. I have so much respect and admiration for you ladies! xoxo, GF
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GF, You are an amazing, brave woman! Your story rocked my core. I too have walked the abused/raped….dark path. May your story inspire others …there can be recovery, heeling, and life after abuse. Wishing you Happily Ever Afters, Cs
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Thanks for sharing your story GF, it is awe inspiring that you’ve come such a long way and that you haven’t let those things in your past determined you are now and who you can become.
All the best wishes for you and your Sir.
Neko-chan -
GF, Thank you for sharing. Reading your tale of flashbacks and not wanting to be touched rang deep within me. I was molested by a friend’s dad around 9 and had flashbacks for a time. I was able to get therapy to deal with much of it, but there are still sexual triggers. It’s been a time since you posted this, have you found things have continued in a similar fashion, being able to get past those triggers long term? I go from fine to triggered and unable to function in milliseconds. My Sir and I are trying together to find our way through the trigger, to replace the negative physiological response with a positive one.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I to have childhood abuse in my past, I was concerned coming into the Ds relationship that the reason I wanted it was something twisted related to the abuse, which least to say was more than a bit awkward. I have been with my sir since I was 14 and he knows the whole story. I was nervous to say the least to bring it to him but found such a strong pull towards it. I find the same things you did he has always loved me for me but I never truly let him be my protector, guide,and care for me the way I should have, the way I craved for someone to. This journey is fairly new to us but the peace it has brought me thus far is expedentially more than I could have ever imagined. The turmoil that has rolled and boiled inside me for so long is dissipating slowly and steadily. I am happy to say I think I have found my path to peace and self. Thank you for sharing and much luck to you and your sir.
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