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Our start and restart.
Ours is one of these silly little romantic love stories of man meets woman online. Had some silly late night conversation, some truth or dares. Decided to meet up and instantly fell in love. I was the virgin (yip I wanted to keep that part of me for someone special) and He was the one that experienced a lot, wanted a wife but was jaded with previous relationships about love. Till this day I tease Him about telling me I will die an 80 year old virgin if I am to wait for the “right guy” and not believing in love. Lets just say we really are made for each other. We got engaged very quickly but there is a part of me I didn’t tell Him about for the first bit. I was meant to be the naive virgin that cant have dreams and fantasies or submission. Of being a perfect wife but in the bedroom being his absolute knock out fantasy in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, our sex life was great, but I was greedy and wanted more. We had a very open relationship and He was very supportive with all the emotional drama we were going through but I realised if I am not honest with Him before the wedding, that I either will never get this part that I realise I need, or that I might never know how He will really see me until I reveal myself. So one night I just told Him and He was totally open to it. Not knowing much about it He went head first and started playing around. I was eager and just wanted to delve further and further in it. Our wedding (due to lots of family drama) turned out into not exactly what we dreamed about, but we turned it into just us and off to court to get married and left the family drama out. That night though He claimed me as His submissive. This has always been part of our bedroom life, but part of me still felt like this is perhaps not normal. That kink is okay but some of the dreams and fantasies I had might shock the world and that means it wasn’t normal. That I wasn’t normal. Not once did I think bad of him but I felt like this thing inside me that NEEDS it and CRAVES it… was not normal. I mentioned it several times and He kept on trying to find ways to show me that it was. Life got in the way at times and play times had to slip for all sorts of reasons. Miscarriages that totally emotionally drained us, to getting pregnant with out girl (but at the same time going through a miscarriage with her twin), bedrest for several weeks and a birth that wasn’t the way we planned at all. Then having to suddenly move house and making an international move with our child away from family. That kink side was always there but the more submission mentally part? Not so much. Then our boy came and again we made a move. This time to buy our own house. A house with a huge overgrown garden, a house that needs to be renovated and hubby’s career that made some move upwards and got even busier. Our baby boy wasn’t as easy as the girl. He landed up waking several times a night. Some nights I would stop counting at 26 times. I was just tired. Longest sleep would be 45 minutes and he would keep on crying. Doctors kept on telling me it is teething and the more I insisted that I want allergy tests done the more they think I was just an overtired mother. But finally another mom that is a friend of mine gave me a number for a specialist and I decided to cut dairy out of my diet and within 3 nights he slept through. Landed up being some food allergies and we got sleep again. Just took us 8 months with a baby that had bleeding cheeks (Doctors telling me this is dribble rash, with a baby that never dribbled). In this time Sir turned into the loving husband trying to support me where-ever He could and not wanting to tax me by asking for even more. Not demanding more. I finished studies during all of this as well. Once the kiddies both got bigger this need in me that has been neglected for a bit got bigger and bigger. But the feeling that this is wrong grew in all of this as well. We still had sex. Regular sex but to me felt more vanilla than ever. It was quickies here and there. Whenever He wanted though but I needed more. I felt embarrassed at times. In the middle of the night I would play with myself (never had a rule that I am not allowed too. We do orgasm control only at certain times) having all sorts of fantasies. I would let Him know some of them. Meanwhile He saw all of this but every time He really tried to take control I would fight Him for it. Why? Honestly I don’t know. How did I fight Him on things. He will ask a simple thing of me submitting. Like He will play with my breasts and all of a sudden I will cover up and He will tell me to not cover up. I will say that they are sensitive and He will move on to another area. And I will feel let down that He didn’t push it. Other times I would say they are sensitive and let my hands go to my side, submitting to Him. I will try and push Him in a way that might slightly annoy Him to try and force Him to just take the control out of my hands. I know He prefers for me to shave. It is one of the rules. So I wont for a day or two (but then I just had too, as I don’t like to have hair down there either). I then once straight out mentioned that this is not something that I think I want anymore. I cant do it. I want more but I feel like I am not getting it. He brought it up that I just need to let it go and just submit and from there we can continued. Then FSOG came out it in middle of all this. I didnt read it at first and everyone at school drop off started talking about it, giving the books to each other to read and when a close friend of mine offered me the book I thought what da heck. I have nothing to read and I couldnt put the book down. Finished it that same day and ordered the other two from the library. Read them and I talked to Him about it. Some parts to me wasnt great writing, some repetitive but what it did do for me is realising this part of me that feels guilty for feeling this need inside of me is in fact normal. There is normal every day people out there that feels like that. All the moms at school was busy chatting about how much more they are getting in the bedroom, trying new things. Things we have done and still do in our bedroom, but they are trying out. I had another open chat with Sir about it and Him again trying to tell me that this is normal. I shouldnt feel ashamed of myself. It still took a bit of time but I think the biggest change was last year when I broke down crying with pms and got all emotional and telling Him I just want a clear defined way on what we are doing and going. He laid it down for me and told me no way out now. This is what it is going to be. No more fighting for control, He has it. No more getting out of things. I can go that way if I want, but I am not going to always like the way He takes me back on the path He wants for us. At times He will tell me where He is taking us and at other times He wants me to be patient. He started a blog. The first time I pushed back I ended up getting told to expect a punishment. That night I thought okay fine it will be a spanking. Yip it was one but so so so much more. I got tied up before I was told that this will be broadcasted on a live webchat. I was totally floored. I rebelled and told Him that He couldnt. He calmly took my hands, told me to look at Him and explained to me that I knew what the rules was. He knows I am pushing Him to see what will happen. He is not allowing me to get away from this and from myself and from Him. Tonight is about pushing limits and as we talked about this before (long long time ago) and it wasnt a hard limit exactly but it is something I am not completely comfortable at at all it will be a great deterrent. He went in on how He took measures to keep us safe (with masks, blocking off certain countries that cant see this and in other ways). I realised this is where I either back down and letting us both down or I just put my trust in Him. I survived it and part even enjoyed. It is only kept for repetitive mistakes or for more severe punishments. It also helped me to see myself in a new way, certain comments that was made I could see my body in a different way. I was surprised to see the account He created was done months ago. The biggest change is more routine, structure and also moving this out of the bedroom. We talked about it and why He wanted it out of the bedroom too. He could see I give too much of myself to others, I would volunteer for everything at school and preschool to the point that I was exhausted. This way He is able to step in and keep me safe, even if it is from myself. It has stepped up very quickly and very fast. I have asked a few times on what exactly changed. His answer: I had to stop being in the mindset of loving husband but to be your Dominant. Be your Master and when I come home and I see you had a hard day, to stop stepping right into the loving husband shoes, where I feel sorry for you and just want to cuddle you up but to look at you and realise at times you need me to be your Master, need me to push you and I am not doing you or me any favours when I don’t take care of your submissive needs as my submissive/slave. I did bring up formal acceptance. And I can see it is a beautiful formal way to start this path. Almost exactly like a wedding for your kinky side. Or to me it seems more like a proposal that the dominant is able to accept. But as He explained it to me. In our relationship between the two of us, that wont work at the moment. Right in the beginning yes. But at the moment I am not able to offer Him something that He already took for Himself. I offered this up to Him when I mentioned this need. I was able to decline it on our honeymoon night. He gave me an out during our last pregnancy when he woke me up one night, got me out of bed and made me kneel, telling me that this is it. As soon as this pregnancy is done I am to be His slave. Whenever He needs me however He wants me is how He will have me. When I agreed to it again that night I became more than his submissive. So no I am not able to offer Him, what He already has and He is not willing to give back to me. I have been asked how long have we been at this. It is difficult for me to answer. So I asked Sir. His answer is for our whole marriage it has been a part, even if at times I felt it wasn’t there as much as I need it or wanted it, it was always in the background so formally D/s is 11 years as we made the formal collaring ceremony on our wedding night. But 24/7 is a bit more blurry but only a few months as He decided to stop my internal fighting. So a long story but short version: Sometimes life can get in the way but in this case it was me that was my own worst enemy. You might want Him to take control, for you not to feel like you are feeding this kind of relationship or trying to feed His Dom the whole time and wanting to get the place where your needs have been met. But sometimes we really can be the stumble block in the road and they start second guessing if this is really what we want. So patience and at times just submit. Just let it go and do what they want you to do (even if in your mind you always see it go differently or wanting it differently) As for us we decided not to hang onto the traditional titles and meaning for things as every relationship is different. So for us I am a 24/7 submissive with areas that I have almost all the control (like for instance I do all the financing and negotiating all finance deals like house bond etc as I am great at it) but in the bedroom I am His slave and whatever and whoever He wants me to be. And this is not really just in the bedroom, can be the lounge as well. But meaning the physical side or our relationship. Slave: not meaning no limits, no say or no voice either. But for us it seems to work having that slight definition between the two. He has the ultimate say in that part of our relationship, but He knows me really really well and I trust completely that I will be safe with Him and Him knowing me better than I know myself.
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4 Replies
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Cheekyone,
Wow your story is so interesting. Starting and restarting I think happens more than you think in the D/s-M world. I know that we have road blocks, set back, questions of “what are we doing” and “why do I want this” and “who am I” ?
I am just so glad that your love for each other has endured the test of time in vanilla to come full circle back to D/s. How beautiful. It was meant to be, just took time to work through it. I think we all have that experience in some way -
Your story speaks to me so much!! In the beginning we had so much more of this dynamic but as time went on hubby became well a very loving accepting of everything and anything I did. In most all vanilla world a wonderful husband. But that inner submissive was spiraling out of control and found myself testing him everyday for power and it wasn’t there. We were there without even knowing what it was or what we were doing. Finding LK’ site had made a massive difference for us.
I have been given FA as homework lol. We have been off and on for over 18months with the d/s and knowing what it was but trying equally for 4 months. Most of our friends consider me the dominant one, but deep down I’m not! I need that control to live!
Thank you for your story!! ? -
Cheeky one,
Than you for the share ! Everyone’s D/sm ……make it your own what works for you both
Cheers,
C s -
I have to say this touched me and hit home with me so close. I tend to do the same thing by pushing my hubby away and not letting him control me. I am not sure why I do that either. I do want to submit to him again like things used to be but life has been so crazy because of the girls and other things.
I know if he were to do what your Sir did, I am not sure how I would take it. I do want him to take control more. I am just scared that he will and I will lose myself again.
Thank you for sharing.
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