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Not feeling very submissive right now. Help.
I need some advice on how to handle this situation. I’m hesitant about posting, but I have nobody to talk to that would understand this marital dynamic.
Friday night, my husband was late getting home from work. He had called from a gas station to tell me he had a flat tire. He stopped by the store to pick up a few things afterward as I was feeling under the weather and it had been raining nonstop all day.
He comes in and throws a couple of pizzas in the oven and when he finally spoke to me, he was slurring his words a bit. I asked him what was wrong and he told me nothing. I knew something was up because he doesn’t talk like that except when he has been drinking, so I point blank asked him and he denied it. Even the children could hear it.
He worked again yesterday and when I got home I questioned him again and he admitted to drinking. He said he bought something at the gas station where he changed his tire, then drank it at the store before driving home, thinking he could make it home okay (we live about 4 minutes from the store). He said it didn’t hit him until he stood up when he got out of the car at home. I’m not entirely sure if he’s telling me everything, but I have to take it at face value.
Drinking and driving is intolerable to me. I’ve seen too many things and I can not stand it when people do it. The problem I am facing is how I feel about him right now. I want to remove my collar and tell him that the dynamic is done, but it has done wonderful things for our marriage. I don’t want to give that up, but at the same time, how can I trust him not to lie to me and not to drink and drive again? This is the first time that I am aware of that he has done this, but he has lied to me about other things in the past.
Any advice on how to handle this situation? He feels awful, but I don’t know if it’s just because he got caught or if he genuinely feels bad about doing it. I told him, again, about my friend’s death when he was only 20 due to a drunk driver, and that he could have gotten caught, lost his license, hurt or killed himself or someone else. We are five days from closing on our new house on top of all of this. Help?
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8 Replies
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Emerald
Not sure what to tell you but just wanted to give you hugs as that sounds very upsetting and stressful ❤️-
Thank you, Puddingpop.
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Oh Em ?
I don’t know what to tell you from a submissive side, besides a lot of downtime sharing how you are feeling… but as a person who also lost someone to drunk driving, I would take off my collar to display how heart breaking it is. Your submission is a gift, from my perspective, and when he’s overstepping hard limits, it’s one of those things that seriously needs to be taken care of before you move forward. That type of behavior is not something that is doing good to your dynamic, and you expect a trustworthy dom. Part of it is the act, yes, but the other part is the fact that he’s lied about it. If I remember, there were a few other nights you were concerned about something similar. It deserves communication about. Don’t let it grow into something worse.Downtime is s great opportunity to share your heart, NOT criticizing, but in genuine concern. Share how it makes you feel, while being respectful and submissive, but also think about what may be causing him to do this? Is he struggling with stress? Work issues? Guilt? It’s not always easy, but be that loving mirror for him so he can share openly. These types of behaviors stem from internal struggles I truly feel. I’ve done it myself. But it took a husband who brought down my guard and loved enough through all my “ugliness” for me to open up and be truly vulnerable… to take the time to figure it out rather than hide from it.
That may not be the case at all, but if you can at least make a statement to him about his behavior, I think it’s worth doing sooner than later. And in it, remind him how much your relationship means to you. Your being submissive and vulnerable should allow him to share as well.
Best of luck lady! I hope you are able to conquer this problem together!
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Thank you for your reply, Sugarnspice. It’s interesting that much of your advice was what I did when he got home. I’m growing as a sub.
When he came home from work Sunday night, I stopped him right in the door, took his lunchbox from him and hugged him. He started crying really hard and apologized over and over.
I considered removing my collar, but I equate that to the removal of my wedding ring and thought that the statement it would make would mean I wasn’t willing to work this out with him. He was already concerned I was going to leave. I felt reassurance would be more helpful because of the problems we have had in the past with my being so unforgiving.
I told him I forgave him, though I didn’t condone what he did. He’s been off work the past few days and we have talked a lot about why he did it. He is stressed, but feared bringing alcohol home because he drank way too much Super Bowl Sunday and I told him I didn’t want him to get that drunk again. He thought that I wouldn’t approve of any drinking, but that wasn’t the case for me.
Overall, I feel he is deeply sorry and I have to choose to trust he won’t do it again. I don’t want to lose my marriage. I love this man with all of my heart, deep into my soul. In the past, my hardness has created more problems than it solved. That was part of why I wanted to change our dynamic to begin with.
I feel that how I handled it made him feel supported instead of scolded. I believe he truly understands the gravity of what he did and what could have happened. I am hoping that how it was handled makes us stronger as a couple. It could have torn us apart.
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Absolutely! Good work Em! That’s what he needs, is your support, acceptance, and assurance. I’m so glad you’ve worked it out!
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I feel so much better. I approached this differently and it has paid off. It has also helped to open up more communication about where we are heading as a couple. We have to revisit things often because of how busy our lives are. The dynamic gets lost in the shuffle sometimes. This, as bad as it could have been, didn’t hurt us. I’m so thankful that my reaction came from a place of love instead of resentment. It kept him from getting defensive and forced him to really explore why he did it.
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Emerald
So glad to hear you all were able to resolve this. Glad you recognized that coming from a place of love is better than resentment. -
Puddingpop, it felt really good to do that instead of my usual reaction. This lifestyle change has been incredibly positive.
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