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No more hiding behind the old walls: writing assignment
Last weekend we had a familiar incident within our dynamic and I was called out. My Sir is tired of my retreating within when I am fearful, unsure, frustrated or upset. I just shut down. My Sir is lovingly working with me to break down the wall and have complete open communication. He says he is my rock and no matter what I do, he is here for me to crash against. So here is what I wrote.
I know there is a lot of work ahead on my part…I am once again raw with emotion. Band-aid ripped off feeling. I have a lot of habits I have developed over a lifetime of coping. I have developed the ease of slipping back into myself. I disengage and act submissive. I tell myself it is to protect the other person from my comments and anger or frustration. But it is really protecting me from having to engage in an emotional confrontation. I was stopped today, in my tracks. Called out, as it were by my Dom. He said, “no more”!
I fought it, I cried, I tried to disengage again but felt an anger and frustration greater than I have in a long time. I was unable to shake it and it was making me feel physically ill. I felt as though my collar, which I love, was choking me. I felt as though the peace I derive from holding it was burning me from the inside out. I actually asked for him to stop somewhere so I could go to the bathroom, not because I had to go, but because I just wanted out of the car and away from my connection to him and how horrible I felt for what I was doing to our D/s. BUT, when he found out I really did not have to go, but was wanting out, he did a U-turn and got back on the highway. (One thing I CANNOT do is lie to him.)
I did not understand my anger. I have always just shut down and left my husband, now my Dom, to be upset while I look out from my sad, scared little hole of “submission” and wait for the storm to pass. But today was different. I had no escape and I felt horrible. I felt like I was falling in a hole I could not escape from. I was angry, but not angry with him really, it was anger and frustration with myself.
I was causing this, I was turning away and that was not truly honoring my submission. That was, even though I did not outwardly intend it, being disrespectful to my Dom and to our D/s. I was hiding behind my wall, a wall I have constructed over many years and retreat to whenever I don’t know what to say or how to react to something. Today was different for some unknown reason he decided to push me, and I decided to speak. Because of this, today it turned a different corner, an unknown and unchartered place in me and in our relationship. I was tired of allowing him to assign words and feelings that were not really mine into what I was doing and feeling; I was tired of being the one who screwed up by stopping our flow. The overwhelming anger and frustration, due to some extra prodding by my Dom, crashed through. I cried, but I said more than I have in many years. I wanted to be heard but not because I was angry with him, because I was angry with myself. I wanted him to understand that my silence was not directed at him, it is because in my entire life I have not learned how to effectively communicate. I was so pent up and frustrated that it just erupted. In the course of my life…my mouth either gets me in trouble because I do not filter, or I dive behind the wall and do not speak. This time I just let it go. I said how I really felt. I told him everything and let him sort it all out. He just kept encouraging me and asking for more. He was pushing me to engage and come out from behind the wall once and for all. He explained how my silence hurt him and how any words, at this point, are better than none. He explained that he wants to be my rock, and that I am to crash against him and allow him to break the waves.
It was time. It was one of the last vestiges of my dysfunctional self, and a part of our previously dysfunctional marriage, that I was clinging to. We are still married but have agreed that the way things were going was not healthy. I love our D/s, I love my husband/Dom. I love what we are becoming and I believe it was tearing me apart inside to hold back from him and revert back to my false submission; this was what drove the anger and overwhelming frustration I felt. I love my real submission so much. I love my collar and my vow to him in this new relationship we are building. I love it so much I was willing to discuss it with our daughter this weekend. Yet, I fell back into an old habit…and I was called out. I am so thankful he did and so thankful for his unconditional love and devotion to me. I have a better understanding of my true submission and what it is to be respectful of my Sir. Submission is not hiding and withholding. Submission is to trust and communicate. Feeling like I have a gaping open wound now is much better than feeling separated from my husband/Dom. He will care for me and help me. He will be there for me no matter what I say or do. (And I will make more mistakes.) I just have to take the leap of faith and trust him all the time and in everything. THAT is my real submission. -
8 Replies
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What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing.
He explained that he wants to be my rock, and that I am to crash against him and allow him to break the waves.
That is such a beautiful way of putting it.
I’m so glad you were able to have a breakthrough. (((hugs)))
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Thank you Collette. I appreciate your kindness.
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Wow, your words rang very true for me! Thank you for sharing. I am brand new to this site and relatively new to the D/s lifestyle – learning and exploring so much lately with my husband/Dom. I could understand and agree with everything you said – it was just as if I’d written the words myself!! I too shut down, go into my ‘hole of submission’ and he’s always helping me to communicate better (something I’m not good at either!) I can only hope that I too can break down the walls surrounding me and embrace this lifestyle 100% without reservations. I’m the one holding back at the moment, me and my crazy headspace! Thank you again for sharing, much appreciated,
Missy x
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Thank you for sharing, His Little Fox. Sounds like a very emotional but healthy breakthrough for both of you. I think it’s interesting and important that you recognized that submission doesn’t mean swallowing your feelings and not sharing them with your Dom. I have heard many people ask if they are allowed to express themselves while being a sub and the answer is a resounding YES! It’s more about how we express ourselves (with respect to our Dom) that is the key difference.
Hope you have a wonderful week-
Hugs,
june-
june,
Thank you. It has been a very emotional rollercoaster ride so far but I know I am better for it. I agree that respect is the key. I am also learning how to speak with respect and submission but express what I want and need. It is amazing how difficult that is to master. We had another huge break down the other night. We have worked through it but only because he is working with me and we are set on moving forward and not going back to where we were before.
Hugs for your advice on chat.
HLF-
Hugs to you HLF! So happy you both are of the mindset to keep moving forward and to do it together! That’s just wonderful! I love what Lt said in regards to submission building strength within yourself in order to trust your Sir to take care of you. She’s SO right!
xoxox
june
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Thanks for sharing with us lady! I agree with June completely, submission contains many forms of inner self. It’s letting down your walls and expressing emotions and feelings with your partner. It builds strength within yourself and shows your partner that you trust him to take care of you. It makes his dominance stronger were he feels strong enough to open up and show you his emotional side. I’m happy for both of you. Keep it going lady!
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HLF, thank you for sharing. This is a very deep and thoughtful post. You made some very nice points, especially regarding the sub being able to share how they feel with their Dom. That is some of the most special time for me whether in play,aftercare or Downtime. I wish you both the very best as you continue your journey.
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