No follow up / sporadic domination??

[Unknown Member]

Nic,
I experience the same thing, but I do not blame myself for inconsistencies from my Sir. I think that your Sir should register on HUSDOM https://husdom.com/ and seek advise. That his the LK equivalent for our Sirs. There is a lot of good advise and guidance there and he will find out that your situation is not uncommon. My Sir is there as an admin and is often available on the chat under his name “DOM”. Best Wishes and hang in there. It is worth it.

[nic]

Thank you for your reply Morning Glory! The problem is that he IS a member but I dont think he knows how to start a conversation asking advice. How do you deal with it? Pointers would be greatly appreciated as I guess while I do have time to think about it and come on here to ask he never seems to make the time to actually try and find out…. Even though he does have some time in hotels etc. do you point things out to your sir? We’ve been at a bit of a breaking point recently and I really don’t want this stress to affect either us or the family!! Xx

[Unknown Member]

Nic, I can relate to your problem my Sir wouldn’t go out on husDom either in the beginning. What I did since I am more comfortable with a comp is that Sir would log in and I would sit next to Sir and started reading post that were written by Mr Fox or other Dom’s together and discussing what we read. How it would fit in our dynamics and I took notes. It started to make Sir feel more comfortable. Your Sir doesn’t need to chat right away just tell him to sit on the side and read what the Dom’s are saying. If your Sir is interested or wants to ask a question he can ask it privately to Mr Fox or one of the monitors by just clicking on that persons name on the HusDom main chat screen where it shows who is on chat and only that persons private chat screen will open up. This way your Sir is only starting to talk to one person instead of many for the first time. I hope this helps.

[melanie]

hi Nic,
I can relate to your problem too as Sir had ( still has but less and less) a tendency to let things slip to a point of utter confusion on my part and to plan scenes in detail so that i too can be waiting and ready for him but cancelling at the last minute wich really sent me spiralling down.
I discussed it during downtime and expressed how this really affected me.I also have a diary in wich i write in my raw feelings that is available for him to read , that was his idea and even though i was a little reluctant at first this has helped a lot as it gives him a better understanding of the complex and twisted things that may go on in a woman’s brain …It also helps me communicate my needs and feelings without feeling i am being demanding or super needy.Sometimes after reading he will call me over to discuss or clear up a particular point and sometimes he just reads,but thhis has helped a lot.
I am sure you and your sir will be just fine and yes, looking at posts on husdom is a great way for him to get help and info without having to ask for advice.xxx

[nic]

Thanks girls for your replies. I’m going to keep them in mind. At the moment there’s nothing going on in terms of rules etc etc so I’m left to try and please him as best I can. There’s no structure at all – I guess he needs space to understand who he is and wants to be so I’m stepping back and giving him his space – it pleases him and it’s what he needs. I guess in just worrying because by giving him the gift of me, essentially, I have given him everything I have. If he doesn’t want it then where do I go from there??

[mrs-discreet]

Hi Nic!

I’m glad I’m not the only one in this type of situation. My hubby (he doesn’t want me to call him Sir or any other honorific) and I have been trying unsuccessfully at a D/s dynamic for a little over 3 years now.
I can completely understand your frustration.
While mine is also signed up on HusDom, he has only been to the site once. I have been the one doing most of the nudging for this dynamic.
He did actually take a huge initiative and created a contract last month. I have followed each and every rule to the T, but he has failed to do so or follow-up on my performance of the rules. It is very disheartening.
It can be hard to follow a leader that isn’t leading.
I still have hope for the future, but it is in his hands ultimately. My best wishes for you and if you need sub-port… please don’t hesitate to call on me. 🙂

[april]

thank you for this post, I am sad to see other going through the same thing I am, but happy knowing that I am not alone.

[nic]

Thank you ladies for your responses. I’ve not been on here in a while because our D/s dynamic has completely gone out of the window and I’ve had to revert to my normal ‘coping on my own while work and travel come first’ persona. Now he has decided he DOES want to try the D/s lifestyle. But I’m torn. I want to do this, I want to submit to him and I’ve recognised a lot of areas recently where I could have but didn’t submit – because he wasn’t here and there has been no follow up no interaction along those kinds. I’ve sort of built a wall around myself and I’m worried I’ll get hurt and rejected again if i take down the wall. I guess we’ll have to start again from the beginning. A part of me hopes that if i can take down the wall I’ll be pleasantly surprised but it’s difficult – it hurt when he threw my gift of myself back in my face….

[fleur]

I can relate with so much of what you all are saying. We started our D/s journey about a year ago although we danced around it for years. It’s something we both want but my husband is always extremely busy with work and our D/s has been put completely on the back burner. I tried to keep it going but after awhile it’s too hard when it’s one sided. We’ve both slid back into the vanilla world. I’m sassy (and not always in a cute way)all the time and there are no repercussions. He’s a member of Husdom but, as far as I know, has only been on there once or twice. It’s sad for me because when we started this, our sex life was incredible. We’ve been married for 24 years and we’ve always had a good sex life but last year it went off the charts. I talked to him about it but I also don’t want to top from the bottom. It defeats the whole purpose.
I hate feeling like time is slipping away and other things are taking priority over our marriage, the lifestyle that I desire with the man that I love.
Fleur

[bliss-aka-mr-grants-muffin]

Fleur, my Sir and I have gone through that a couple of times. Life just gets in the way. He travels a lot which does not help. We have done what I call “resets”. The first was me just asking him if he still wanted this dynamic. His face looked fallen and alarmed! He was scared that I was getting ready to take back my submission! I explained that it was really difficult to stay in a submissive mind set when he was so erratic with his dominance. It went from nearly nothing to almost domineering. We both needed a good balance. It is still a work in progress and by no means are we a “poster” couple. We are not 24/7 but we don’t have near the arguments or control struggles we used to have. I would suggest you try to plan a weekend, better if you can get away, and to another formal acceptance and just spend the whole weekend in D/s dynamic. That is what we have done and it works wonders!
Hugs,
Bliss

[nekomata]

Hi,

Having read the same situation I am in, in many of the responses here I have to say… have you all sat down and talked about what your husbands/partners want from D/s and if they are truly 100% interested and committed to making the relationship work?

I did this, asked my husband several times and struggled for 2 years to try and make it work but in the end he admited to the fact that he wasn’t really into it and was in fact quite relieved when I told him to call it off.

It might be that D/s is not their thing… even if that sucks with a capital S, or it might be that it is not the right time for them, which also sucks but leaves a tiny… tinie space for hope (better than nothing but feels like nothing at the moment). Either way, the thing is that you must consider whether these ups and downs and pulling and shoving are doing more damage to your relationship and to your husband, yourself than they do any good.

Even if your husband/partner doesn’t want to be your Dom ever or right now, if you are a submissive at heart then that is who you are, nothing can take that away from you, even if you don’t have a Dom. It might sound awful but perhaps you should consider becoming a sole submissive… it does feel better to finally settle if they ARE into the D/s relationship 100% or not, cause if they aren’t going to be you’re only setting yourselves up for failure and quite a lot of suffering.

[Unknown Member]

New Year…….New Start …..maybe ?

I read these shares today. It truly , hurts my heart ! My share…..

for us it’s kinda an all in one , we don’t feel or see as separate. Our marriage is lived with D/sm dynamics; we have both given it 100% we created what works for us 24/7. There is no going back ; back to what….the battles over who drives the bus, the living as roomates/ no sex, the sadness,the hopelessness .

soooooo, my to the point ….as KLB shares….take the cake batter as your marriage ….keep baking until it rises,smells yummy,has pink icing !! Then maybe start on the second layer D/sm…..if you want it

Everyone Deserves to Live Happily Ever After,
Curvey sub

[hottailpipes]

Hi, I’m new to the group. I am in a long term relationship headed toward marriage. My BF has always wanted the Ds lifestyle, but from my point of view he lacks a lot of the follow up that would make a woman desire submission. When he is “on” I love it, but he cannot sustain it. He told me in the beginning that the sub is actually the one with all the control. It’s a mind game…an exploration of sexual desire, control, and submission, on both ends. I have learned so much about myself and my own buried desires by exploring what he likes (or “needs” as he puts it). We are nearly 6 years in and I still see us growing toward whatever we will eventually become. Static is boring or we wouldn’t all be here. Respect the ebbs and flows…allow them. Give them space. Take care of yourselves. Center. Learn a new hobby.

Things get complicated when you are trying to keep a house and raise kids. The sexual Ds stuff doesn’t fly at all with teenagers in the house. We take breaks. We act like an old married couple and things get stuffy. Recently I decided a good approach for that problem is to look at it as a reset and enjoy the break. I spend time fantasizing. That is the main difference between us and our Doms–they don’t need to fantasize because to them they are living the dream many can only wish for! It then lies on us to be brave, and specific, about our dreams and help steer them. We are the ones in control, remember?

So, I asked him to bring me shopping. He bought a gorgeous champagne diamond necklace that is really a day collar for me. When I am feeling the need to be submissive I wear it. It reminds both of us of our agreement and safety in our arrangement. I bought him a gray tie. He can lay it out to tell me he is feeling like he needs to be Dominant. Since it can be tough to find alone time for play, we decided to get a hotel room for a couple hours once a month. I LOVE feeling like I’m on a sexy vacation! I dress in lingerie under my sexy clothes and he brings me for drinks and dinner first. I pack a bag of toys. It’s our special time to connect and it costs us under $150. It’s the most important thing in our budget!!!

Ask for aftercare when you really stretch your limits and try something scary. Demand it. Make it part of the agreement! I’m a feisty, dominant woman who has her own career and can fully take care of herself. My bf said the gift of MY submission is even bigger because of it. Pain and pleasure are not linear on two opposite sides of a line, they are circular. The point where they intersect is where both are heightened. You aren’t living until you’ve fully experienced both. That goes for your Dom as well as you.

I hope this helps someone…love and hugs htp

[Veruca]

Hello hottailpipes! So nice to meet you!
I loved your post, it was very insightful….especially the part about working things around kids and making it a priority to give yourselves some alone time! Great advise! Can’t wait to get to know you better!

Veruca