Newbie with questions

[jade-slysaint]

Downtime. Downtime. Downtime.

Talking it out about where you are and what feeds your submissive heart. Ideally and usually what feeds you would I. Turn feed him by your responses and vice versa. But the talking about where you are is so crucial.

I have been there. It was all about him and not at all about me at some points early on. He didn’t want to connect on Husdom and just didn’t really get it.

We restarted and he read every word on Husdom and made good friends who he can get advice and ideas from. Now our ads is singing again.

[subMarie-CSM]

BeausSweets,

I agree with Jade. I hope you and your Sir have a Downtime routine in place. This is the time to open up about what you like and what you would like to try differently. Communication is so critical. You need to communicate specifically what you are not finding fun. Do you need more build-up to the moments to get you in the mood or more intimacy? Perhaps you need to mix in some regular sex without the toys. Perhaps you likes some of the toys but perhaps not the ropes. If your Sir enjoys these things perhaps you can compromise. If you find it difficult expressing yourself, try using your journal to get your thoughts organized.

I bet your Sir is just really excited about all of the toys that are on the market. My Sir could spend a fortune if he could on toys. You know, boys and their toys. Ha!

You mentioned trying to get everything right. Things often go unplanned for me and my Sir for one reason or another. We have tried things that worked and some that didn’t. We have had little mess-ups that have made up laugh so hard. The other day my Sir was so excited and wanted to go from 0-60 is 0 seconds flat. I had to ask him to slow it down as I needed the build-up. He just gets so excited sometimes! He is not the only one! I hope your Sir is active on husDom. He will see this is very common. LOL!

Please do not feel stressed or be hard on yourself. It just sounds like you need to communicate. Several of us are regulars on chat. Please join us! We would love to help you work through this and help you brainstorm.

[pearl]

Besides the DownTime suggestion I would add journaling. Use a journal to write down all those feelings of inadequacy, fear and the sense of being overwhelmed. I usually let BayoWolf read my journal before DownTime so that he can wrap his mind around what I need to talk about. This has helped us so much in the past.
Open, honest communication is the key to TTWD…really to any good relationship. Take a deep breath and know that you are enough for your HusDom. Slow down a bit and encourage your Sir to slow down a bit, sounds like he has a Domly version of what we call “SubFrenzy”.

[guinevere-mr-sky]

BeausSweets,

We have DT twice a week. It has helped immensely. You both are learning to be lovers of sorts all over again. It is a process. The DT helps you work it out. What you like and don’t like and how you feel. He also can express his feelings. It works

Guinevere

[Unknown Member]

BeausSweets,

All of the above suggestions are very good! Downtime and journaling help me so much. LK has blogged about not looking for a happy ending…I think that relates to searching for an orgasm, but I think in your case, you may be focusing too hard on traditional sensations. Try to relax more, enjoy the journey and try not to focus on any one thing. A glass of wine may help. Just let it all in and see what surprises you. I hope that is helpful. See you in chat.

Warmly,
Belle

[Veruca]

Hello! It’s wonderful that you have the courage to reach out and talk about this! That is what we are here for.
There are a few things that you said that really stood out to me:

It’s not that I don’t want it or that he doesn’t turn me on but being a sub during sex has become a job. It’s not fun anymore.

In the three years that my Sir and I have been doing this; sex, playtime or a scene has never felt like a job to me. Going into the power exchange has always been exciting and being in that mindset has always freed me to feel everything that he is putting me through or doing to me. The fact that you are feeling like it is a job has me wondering what exactly is going on during these times to make you feel this way? That must be discovered and fixed or this will not last.

I feel like I spend all my time trying to get everything right that I can’t focus on the fun part.

To me, this sounds like you, your Sir or both are putting waaaay too much pressure on you. It’s supposed to be pleasurable and fun (even during intense impact or even humiliation) and if you are focusing on something other that the power exchange, your mindset and the activities…it will be very hard for you to enjoy this.

There always has to be more. More of everything. Toys, sex ropes, all of it. It makes me feel really inadequate.

This can not be looked at as inadequacy on your part. BDSM is to ENHANCE the experience, not replace the person. My Sir and I are always looking for more…but we do it together. Does he give you a say in what is added, or is he doing this on his own. I can see how your opinion of what things you would like to have and do can leave you feeling left out, but try to get out of this thought pattern and look at these things as a positive…unless you really aren’t into this and are just going along to make him happy. That is a problem that needs to be handled as well.

As the other ladies have said, use journaling and downtime to help you gather your thoughts and find the truth behind your concerns. The foundation of D|s-M is HONESTY, COMMUNICATION, TRUST, RESPECT AND LOVE. You cannot have a single one missing in your dynamic and think this will work. We use BDSM in order to enhance our sex lives and dynamics, but it is not necessary if you don’t like it. Activities and limits should always be discussed before any BDSM play and you MUST build your foundation…TOGETHER.

Sincerely,
Veruca