newbie struggles

[krolyk]

i am new at this too, & very lucky that Sir is just as excited about this new aspect of our marriage. i struggle with the notion that i must obey directives sometimes. An example: last week i was given a short list of tasks that Sir required before his return from a week long absence (which is every week, but a different issue altogether). Because of real life, most of those tasks were tackled in the dead of night. i was anxious for his return home & wanted to “be good” & get everything done. Finally, after a long, hard sleepless week he was coming home! i rushed home to finish my list. Exhausted but happy for his return i prepped myself as Sir requested: bubble bath, shaved, make up, painted hands & toes, one of his favorite dresses. Imagine that rushed process, all the while on my cell dealing with last minute business issues. Still excited, i welcomed Sir home and tingled at his praise of my job well done. After dinner, in our previous vanilla life, we would have done the dishes together. But not this night. This night Sir informed me that he “didn’t do dishes” & lounged on the corner of the couch watching me. i resented that moment & fought with all i had to keep my sarcastic mouth shut. There i was, exhausted, in a nice dress & stilettos fighting with myself to not get angry. i kept reminding myself that i asked for this life & nothing in life is ever totally perfect or happy. Our play session that night was intense & wonderful. Later, Sir praised me for keeping my sarcasm to myself. He could read it on my face & was testing my reaction. Then Sir told me how much he enjoyed seeing me in the kitchen, apron over my dress, stilettos tapping on the floor. That night helps me remember why i am Sir’s sub, why i fight the urge to snark at his commands. Hopefully you will find something similar to remind you too.

[curiouserandcuriouser]

thank you – your insights do help in putting things into perspective. 🙂 sometimes i feel like my independent self is doing battle in my head with my submissive self…i know the two are not mutually exclusive, and i honestly do love the feeling of being taken in hand firmly, with a set of expectations that re-enforce the D/s dynamic between us. there are times i feel like i initially have that intellectual response, and i have to push past that to the emotional space where it’s all about pleasing him…which full circle, pleases me and makes ME happy to have made him happy. and he doesn’t expect me to be anything but the strong, independent person i am, expects it really, so in a lot of ways that does make it easier. he’s not asking me to change, he’s asking me to trust and submit to him. which does make it easier when it’s broken down on such a fundamental level. 🙂

[ssb]

CC,
I think a lot of subs struggle with that feeling… It can be hard to be so independent at work and then drop everything to please him, or to not go to bed at the same time because you have a hard time sleeping (I feel ya in that department…).
But knowing that I’m pleasing him, giving him the attention he needs, it makes me feel good. I have a lot of stress at work and in the past that stress has followed me home and has been the cause of fights. I leave it at the door now. I want and try to be the best I can be for him, and I know I’ll get rewarded…

But sometimes those frustrations and struggles creep in… my best advice would be to talk with him. You can’t really get anywhere in this lifestyle without the communication. So tell him how you feel and maybe ask for a compromise. Find out how he feels about it too.

I hope this helps some… Good luck lady, you guys will find your flow…

♡SSB

[curiouserandcuriouser]

the work thing, i so relate! people think because i work remote from “home” that work isn’t stressful, but there are a lot of expectations that come with that. the other day i had a particularly stressful day at work and it was hard for me to get into the correct mindset when he got home. i was fidgeting, hesitating…would open my mouth to question. he just stopped everything and pulled me into his lap to talk. we’ve always been really great at communication, all through our past relationship that was always really solid, and it made us closer for it, and makes for a great foundation to build on for this. we definitely talk about the D/s. and if i truly have something that i do not like or bothers me as in it causes me mental or emotional stress, then he’s all for compromise and changing it. but he’s firm about my not getting to “pick and choose” my submission based on what i may or may not like to do. and really, he’s right. i shouldn’t get to choose which part of submitting i want to, and part of my growth will be to push past those mental blocks that i have. of course, that doesn’t mean i don’t have hard limits that he respects, or that i may find things that will be added to that list, or taken off in time. it truly is a learning curve…learning to 100% let go and trust that he will be there to catch me if i fall, and take me to new levels.

he says that i can always take a moment, if i’m stressed out and need some quiet time, to take that extra time for myself as long as i communicate with him – let him know i’m feeling particularly stressed & go take a bubble bath or sit with a glass of wine by the pool. and if we’re in the middle of something or he has something he’s asked of me, unless it’s a situation where he wants me off balance and an immediate answer, i can always ask for a minute to center myself, but that moment wasn’t going to get me out of it. ;p his only caveat is that in most situations, he wants me to answer his questions right away, because he knows that i tend to start over analyzing in my head and will “think” it to death when he wants that immediate instinctive response. some things he says definitely take thought and consideration, which he says he’ll always let me know (new things for me to wrap my head around that he wants a thoughtful answer to).

i really appreciate your thoughts SSB – just talking about it with people who understand and have been through the same thing helps me gain perspective. sometimes i feel like i just want to stop my foot and say “but i don’t want to!” like a two year old for no good reason really, beyond allowing “life” things to get in the way. it’s good to know that i’m not the only one who has moments like this. 🙂

[june]

I can so relate to the sleep thing. My Sir has always had an erratic work schedule and so going to bed together each and every night has never been consistent. I also have anxiety issues and the last six-nine months when I was working, I’d wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and was unable to go back to sleep due to stress. Now that we’ve formalized our D/s, Sir prefers me to go to bed at the same time He does even on nights I’m still feeling awake/restless. He has figured out a few methods to get me sleep ready – in the form of light play. It has helped very much. I think one of the benefits to our Sirs insisting we stop what we are doing and turn our entire attention to our them is that it forces us to compartmentalize work from home. It also forces us to put our relationship first and foremost. But yes, it is sometimes hard to remain submissive (and without a smart mouth! lol) when we are being controlled by our Sirs in an unexpected or new way. There are things my Sir likes for me to do and when He suddenly changes the way He wants something done after I have mentally prepared to do it a specific way, I have found myself slightly aggravated because I perceive the rules as changing. The bottom line is, I have submitted to Him and if he wants something done a different way, it is up to me not to over think things and instead just go with the flow and let Him lead. For me, if I don’t think and just follow His lead then my mind remains more submissive. I saw a quote on chat awhile back that read: “One of the greatest things a Dom can do for his sub is to silence her mind. To allow her to let go of the world and simply ‘be’.” That struck a chord with me and when I feel resistant, I try to remember He is trying to help me let go of the world through His control. Glad to know I’m not the only one grappling with a resistant mind at times 😉

[curiouserandcuriouser]

june – that quote is great. my mind is always going a million miles at a time, it’s one of the things he likes to focus on – quieting it so that i just feel without any thought. sometimes he’ll direct something and i find myself thinking 4 steps ahead of the immediate command….kind of like paying chess. it’s a horrible habit. i’m not sure why i do it but i always have. maybe because the unknown, and not feeling prepared, even on an emotional level, scares me. this entire journey is a learning experience, and i’m learning things about him to new depths. things i knew were there and saw before, but how deep they go, truly an eye opening exploration.

i tend to self internalize this feeling that everyone else is perfect, and that i am failing. it’s nice to hear from others that it is not failing, and that no one is perfect in their submission all the time. 🙂

[june]

Oh no, don’t think you’re failing all the time! We all go through it! I liked your comparison to a game of chess – I have a bit of that habit myself and Sir gets annoyed when I answer something he hasn’t fully asked or commanded. Oops!

Learning all the time… some lessons are harder than others. Hang in there with your brain going a million miles an hour. It’s something I’m working on right now. 🙂

[sirs-sweetness]

I, too, have a hard time keeping my place. I’ve recently been trying to nail down the triggers. So far, I see two that nearly always cause the issue. One is if I’m doing my domestic duties, but feel overwhelmed and as if I’m failing. Another is if Sir is lax in correcting me or following our routines. Usually these things go hand in hand. He sees my frustration that I can’t get dinner done or I’ve sweet three times that day and the floor is still a mess(none of which would get me in trouble) and he let’s me slide a bit. He lets me snap or stomp around with little guidance(all of which is against the rules!), but I crave the control and slip further. It cycles. Lol. I’m working on my end, though, and he will start doling out real punishments when that deadline in my training arrives. Very soon I’ll have more guidance than I’m used to and I’m sure I’ll need to adjust to that! But I’m looking forward to it because oh that moment you let it all go… Sigh… Perfection.

[curiouserandcuriouser]

Sir’s Sweetness – oh, i am *the worst* if i am allowed to get away with something. i’ll just keep pushing to see how much further i can before i’ll be called on it. my last Dom (the sadist) would let me get away with anything, because he really just was not interested in the D/s dynamic, so i just stopped doing what he’d tell me to if i didn’t want to, because why bother? i wanted him to care, but he never did, so i didn’t either. Now my Sir, he doesn’t let that sh*t fly, i get an immediate correction in the moment. and if it’s something he has to consistently correct me on, then he takes some time to think about a punishment that will leave a more lasting impression. i cannot even say with words how much that actually means to me – it makes me feel as if i matter to him.

[lightning]

I am also having newbie struggles, tonight was my first inspection. He gave me 10 mins to prepare and I was really getting excited… But it ended up happening with the tv on and the film he was watching going on in the background. When he finished the inspection and I failed he spanked me… Great?! Well not really as the whole time he was watching the movie and even though he let me have a O I managed to squirt on the sofa and that was the end of that.

Is it bad to feel disappointed?

[june]

Hi Lightning-
Although I’m fairly new also, here are a few things we’ve put into action that work for us:
– During play, punishment, etc…no tv. It helps each of us with the proper focus and mindset.
– if I have failed at a task, broken a rule or anything else requiring corrective action, Sir initiates a brief discussion so that each of us communicate understanding of what hasn’t gone right and what I can do to improve so the mistake isn’t made again. Basically, it’s a “do you understand why you are being punished?” conversation.
– Sir then administers appropriate consequences – no warm up, but He is calm and focused on me.
– I am not allowed to cum or drift into subspace during punishment.
– After punishment, He reassures the positive and that all is forgiven. He also uses aftercare techniques to soothe and reassure.

This works very well for us. Although I hate disappointing Sir, I have found His approach helps me to let go and move forward when I screw up. It leaves me feeling a stronger connection rather than bad. My suggestion is to request downtime to discuss what each of you think the point or goal of punishment is and then map out a plan that works for your dynamic.

Hope this helps-
june

[curiouserandcuriouser]

hi lightening. 🙂 i don’t think it’s bad to feel a little disappointed. i know when i think that i’ve failed at something, i feel incredibly guilty as well, like i’ve let him down or disappointed him. my Sir says to me, that as long as i’m always 100% honest, and give 100% effort, that i’ll never disappoint him. i’m glad june gave you some great advice, and downtown and communication is so important, i’ve learned that and am continuing to learn that. when i feel as if i have somehow failed, i tend to shut down and close off, which just makes the entire situation into something bigger. inspections are hard, i actually do not like them at all, so emotionally i am always a little off balance whenever Sir does one.

[lightning]

Thanks June for your sub-port. We ended up having a version of downtime, we don’t have anything that formal yet, and he realised that it had not been quite as it could have. This is so new for us that we are still working out the kinks. I think he finally gets where this is heading though and he seems to be enjoying, scratch that, revelling in his new found Dom.

[neonbunny]

Does anyone ever have trouble with their Sir saying that they want D/s, but not making the effort to become a better Dom? My husband has been that way for over a year now, and yes, we make progress slowly, but at times I just feel so abandoned because he doesn’t care to put in any effort to be better. If he is supposed to have my best interests in consideration, wouldn’t becoming the best Dom he can, be one of those?

I have tried just about everything, patiently waiting, sending links to information (that he can’t be bothered to read), telling him how I feel about all of that, and more. At best, he really makes me feel like he is listening and considering my feelings, so I get my hopes up, and then he just does the same old thing…

I know that from this description many might think he’s just a selfish jerk who shouldn’t be a Dom, but that’s not really him. He’s a really kind hearted man, I just don’t know how to get through to him that I need him to make an effort. I can’t keep hearing that he wants this as much as I do, and then not seeing action to back up what he says…

What’s a sub to do?

[annie]

Dear Bunny,

I can totally relate to your post. I was feeling exactly the same way . . .that my Beloved did not want this as much as I did. It’s been a little over a year for us as well. We were already moving in this direction but we were not calling it D/s – it was just happening naturally after 37 years of marriage. We faced this issue “head=on” yesterday and I was able to tell him this exact concern. He was surprised that I felt this way. I was surprised He didn’t. We were assuming a lot about each other, believing we really should really know each other after all these years.

We talked for over an hour and he revealed that most of what’s holding him back is that while I initiated the desire for this lifestyle, he NEEDS to be the one who directs it. He believes that he’s been resisting certain things because they are NOT him and he feels that if he does them just please me we will end up disappointed in the long run. He reminded me to have faith in his abilities and allow him to grow into the Dominant man HE wants to be. To trust in the love and commitment we have build over these 38 years and let it continue to grow into this new level.

Don’t give up on him. Love him, serve him, and let him become the Dominant Man he is destined to be. He will get there and you will be blessed by with an original creation – not a manufactured copy of anyone else.

Be loved and cherished,
Annie B

[neonbunny]

Hey Annie,

Thanks so much for the insight. We had a long discussion last night about all of it – he had gone on husdom himself and decided to implement some “downtime” last night, and I finally was able to put into words about why I am who I am. He had initially expressed that maybe why it is taking so long for him to get used to being D/s 24/7 is because it’s so different from who he married. I used to be (and still am in most other walks of life) a totally independent woman who likes to be in control of her environment and the outcome of given situations (which is think can be said for many of us subbies actually) – but it’s confusing to him as to why I would be the polar opposite with him.

I finally got to explain that with him as my full time Dom, I finally get to feel the freedom from the need to control, and the security of truly being His. I get to feel the same feelings I had when we first fell in love – when I had him up on a pedestal, back before real life set in. I got to say how when he is my Dom, I get all of those feelings and more, and it really feeds who I am as a person and makes our marriage all the more special because he is the only one who truly knows me.

After all of that, he said that he didn’t realize it was like that for me, or that my feelings went that deep about all of it, and that he would truly make more of an effort to give me that guidance, protection and love that I need.

I am so thankful I found this site – it’s been wonderful. Even after I posted above, I kept reading and found other posts with advice regarding this topic and so much more, and of course, the sweet response from you Annie. It’s so wonderful to have a place where I can find answers to my questions, vent my frustrations, and feel no judgement.

Definitely looking forward to what the future holds…

[curiouserandcuriouser]

hi bunny,

my situation is a little bit different, my Sir has past experience with D/s relationships, while i just began exploring this past year and my first and only Dom besides him wasn’t really into the D/s aspect of it at all. so well, maybe i can relate….i used to ask and ask and ask all the time for him to take more of a lead and that i really wanted more of the D/s dynamic. ultimately, he just did not put in the effort, which left me feeling unfulfilled. but you have a solid foundation of a lasting marriage and love that is built on trust and your life together, so i would think, as long as you are always communicating with each other, that you both will continue to grow within your relationship at a pace that is right for the both of you, together. 🙂

[neonbunny]

Hi curiouserandcuriouser,

Thanks for the insight – yeah it’s tough sometimes, but we just keep working at it. We both know that we aren’t going anywhere, so there’s only one thing to do – keep communicating openly and working hard to build what we both want. So, I’m sure it won’t be an easy road, but it will be well worth it when we reach each milestone. 🙂