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New sub woes
So my husband and I have started sub Domrelationship and it is going extremely well I think the only problem I have right now is that sometimes groping turns into vanilla sex which is something that I just can’t get off with. My husband says he is more in love with me than he’s ever been he wants to show me that physically but I legitimately can’t get off if he’s too nice. I have mentioned to him before that I like it when he makes me earn him sexually by rough foreplay, unfortunately or fortunately my husband is an extremely romantic individual and unfortunately for me I’m not. I like pain, passion and domination which doesn’t come off as romantic however it is to me. We have had sex every single day multiple times but it is going more vanilla as time goes on which scares me. I am not good at asking for what I need my husband and I have been married for 15 years and I have always had sub Dom tendencies, but this is the first time we’ve tried it seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
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5 Replies
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Hi vmgraves
First let me say Welcome! Its wonderful to have you here. I’m not sure if it was a post or in the forum but I have read on here a way to see the others perspective. It sounds like you both see your relationship in a different way but haven’t been able to express that to each other. The post went along the lines of you write out what your perfect Ds day would look like, what your Dom does, says, wears, smells like….very detailed. He does the same. Then in downtime you read and discuss. It can be very helpful to see what the other wants specifically, what would make them happy. I will try to find it and link back here. Also as you are new if you haven’t started downtime I would checkout that post and start, it is a wonderful communication tool. I highly recommend it.
Please come hang out in chat I would love to get to know you better. There are many of us on and off in chat and we talk about anything and everything.
🤗Jsbunny -
Hello vmgraves and welcome. I went through the same struggles with my Sir. I have always been a submissive since as far back as I can remember but wouldn’t even allow myself to speak of it until I met my first Dom. He was very rough and the entire experience was intense to put it mildly. When we parted ways I met my Sir and we married soon afterward. He was a total vanilla and as sweet as could be. It was what I needed at the time (long story) but for years all I could think of during sex was my former situation. Finally after many years I ‘came out’ to Him and we began our D/s journey. You would think oh what a happy story but…it was a struggle. Keeping in mind how incredibly difficult it was for me to talk to Him about it and He being a total vanilla it was excruciatingly arduous. I took a risk at one point and told Him what I needed but He was very uncomfortable with the concept of doling out a painful spanking to the love of His life. Of course I retreated feeling terribly rejected and frustrated. He simply could not understand the why. This was our beginning.
I was anxious and frustrated and wondered if I had done the right thing by talking to Him about this side of me (which is actually all sides of me-there are no others) during those years. I was so busy trying to ‘make’ my vanilla husband into the Dom of my dreams I didn’t notice that little by little He was getting into it. This is going back many years now and I can’t remember the time table but bottom line – He was naturally a very dominant individual in our relationship and in His professional life. So when I gave Him control over everything, when I handed it to Him and let go of it myself He burgeoned into a Super-Dom.
Our D/s-m relationship today is very different than when we began. We both grew into it and it took a great deal of time. I still don’t know my limits and probably never will but my Sir sets them for us. If I want more or something different I will tell Him during Downtime (we do it once a week) when everything can be discussed openly and changes or additions/deletions happen to the ‘rules’, rituals and anything else that pertains to our dynamic, bedroom or real life situations.I know people probably see us as an old D/s couple who have been at it for many years and think we’ve ‘got it’ but that isn’t the case. There is always something new to investigate, always a new thing to add or discuss and I always want more.
I began a submissive journal and He reads it. It’s a great place for me to write out a fantasy that I couldn’t verbalize. I know He’ll read it and chances are act on it. He will do things for me because He loves to see me passionate and totally turned on. He said something so sweet last week and it made my heart flutter. I was kneeling during downtime and He was inspecting my journal. At one point He mumbled ‘so I am getting it right’. I realized at that moment how incredibly unsure of Himself He has been during this journey. Journaling has been such a great communication tool for us. I thank all the ladies here who helped us get started with that.
Everyone says take it slow. Develop your dynamic. So true but also for me it was ‘remember you are in this together’. I couldn’t have everything I thought I wanted all at once because it’s not just about me. I do know that it feeds my submission tremendously. I wish you all good things on your journey together.
hugs
elskling -
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate the input!
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Sometimes it’s not about us, not about us getting off, not about our wants, nor about our needs. It’s about making our Doms happy and doing what they need. Instead of focusing on what you want focus on him. Maybe during those times when it’s to vanilla for you it happens to be what he needs and you will have to put his needs before yours. Not only is that what a sub should be focusing on (her Doms wants) but it helps get you into your sub mindset. Then during downtime bring up how you love pleasing him but you also need times where it is rough and you need to be physically pushed. We put a lot on our HusDoms by asking them to take on this role for us. Try and cut him a little slack…..
Really though, I FEEL YOU!!!! I could have wrote this post myself but with help from some friends here I have started to not expect so much from him and let him take this at his own pace because at least he is trying and it’s all for me.
Sorry, my thoughts got really scattered and it showed in my reply lol -
Welcome vmgraves! It’s nice to have you here. I think that for any Ds couple, especially those of us who are in long term monogamous partnerships communication is key. I agree with Jsbunny in her advice to use written words and downtime with your Sir to establish a norm in discussing the new dynamic. My husband and I have been living this life for 20 years, and he still very much worries about hurting me. I like it on the intense side. It was hard at first for me to give him direction in bed, but I figured out that if I didn’t ask it didn’t happen. It does get easier and the more you discuss it the better the sex will be. Doms actually need nurturing from their subs just as much as the other way around. I am positive with your gentle guidance he will find his way. This site offers some fantastic tools for you to use.
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