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My ponderings about this lifestyle
I got to thinking the other day after a conversation with Sir. He told me that he didn’t want to lose “me” and who I was. He told me that he loved the strong, fearless woman I was and didn’t want to see me turn meek and mild. I assured Sir that I don’t see how that could happen, my strong will is a part of me and that it isn’t going to go away. We had a good talk (we do that more now) about how I see it more as not changing WHO I am, as much as HOW I interact with him. I can still be strong and courageous, I just engage him differently now and that we both recognize that there is an order to things now…no power struggles, like before. That I outwardly show my respect for him, which I really truly have always had but kept sheltered inside. I wanted to make sure that he knew that this lifestyle was not going to change who I am at my core and that I new it wouldn’t change who he is at his. Habits and behaviors are what is changing.
That got me thinking about the term “lifestyle”. It truly is a lifestyle. As fun as it can be (and Lord knows, I love the fun play time part), it’s not a game to be played. It’s a way to live my life. The foundations that I’ve learned here, on LK, seem so “common sense” when I think about it, that I wondered why it is only presented as a foundation for a relationship in this lifestyle. Why hadn’t anyone ever presented that before? Why isn’t it taught to young couples who are getting ready to get married (Kinky or Vanilla). I can find all kinds of relationship advise on the internet, but none just break it down to honesty, communication, respect and trust. Why is that? It’s written between the lines, I am sure, but it’s not just OUT THERE.
Then came this past weekend when we both enjoyed and laughed with each other about watching peoples reactions as they witnessed some of our dynamic out in the open. I thought; Why is it odd that a woman would want her husband to be the leader? Why are strange looks given when a wife waits for her husband to make a decision for her? Why does it seem to the world that there is something wrong because I actually do what he asks of me and trust in his decisions for me? I wonder this because I actually don’t feel like it is odd at all. I actually really enjoy it. It makes me smile. It gives me peace and pleasure. Did they not see that written all over my face as I was adoringly staring at Sir?
My apologies if this seems like a ramble, I just seem to find I have so much on my mind about this journey of mine. Sir and I still have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of us, but I feel like this style we have chosen is one that won’t go out of fashion for us. This life is one worth living and loving for.
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4 Replies
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If you let him make decisions for you then the assumption is made that you cannot make a decision for yourself at all. You must be dumb or weak.
It’s a shame we have taken the fight against gender roles to the point that we cannot admit when some of them fit or feel right for ourselves or accept that in others.
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Amen, Princess! I totally agree that we have taken ‘gender equity’ too far, and some of us can’t feel outwardly comfortable in some roles that feel entirely fit for ourselves.
Veruca, this is not a ramble. I think you explained your thoughts thoughtfully and carefully. Your post came at a perfect time for me personally. I’ve hit some of those days where I worry I might lose myself in my submissive role. I mentally balk against it, then one of us does or says something which illustrates the symmetry and beauty of our relationship. I’m reconnected with this being about HOW I interract with Him, not changing a thing about WHO I am. It frees me to respect His leadership. It frees me to enjoy His careful attention, like buckling my ankle strap when my joints hurt. Your distinction of WHO and HOW hit home. Thank you!
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Princess, I do agree and it was after laughing about the reactions that got me to thinking why they happened. I still loved every minute of Sir’s control in the situations, as big or little they might have been.
Honeybadger, as I learn about this dynamic, the hardest thing for me is realizing is that it is not “me” that Sir has been unhappy with in the past few years, more my actions, behaviors and bad habits I have acquired. It’s a tough lesson to learn. I don’t see it as Sir changing me…instead me recognizing (with Sir’s guidance) how to be a more mindful, respectful wife that I may have should’ve been all along. In this journey we have BOTH learned there was needed improvement, but now that it is out in the open, we can actually do something about it.
Thanks for the replies! Smooches!
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Veruca, thank you for this post. It sounds like you and your Sir are strengthening your bond and each other more and more.
Your Sir’s concern about changing who you are is something Mr. and I talk about often and that I was really worried about in the beginning. I wondered, “How can I, a strong, opinionated, feminist woman be submissive and still retain my identity?” It seemed like a paradox for awhile, going against what I’d been taught by my parents and friends, and what I’d taught myself about the kind of woman I wanted to be. I’m devoting my career to fighting for equity and social justice, and didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t bring that part of myself into my partnership with my husband, who is a pretty feminist guy himself!
But as we slowly tried to shift the ways we interacted with each other, and Mr. showed me more love and support than ever, I relaxed and learned to live in the duality. I realized that my strong, fierce and forceful personality is exhausting sometimes, both to me and others! I love this side of me and need it in my work, but bulldozing my husband at home wasn’t working for either of us. I was stressed, impatient and yet needy, and he was unfulfilled.
What we needed was balance. And submitting to him in ways big and small in our relationship has brought me balance. I don’t have to be in charge all the time. What a relief! And Mr. has found balance too in his role in giving our dynamic direction and taking care of me. Now I have the energy to take care of him too. I guess this is what it means to feed each other. It doesn’t feel like I’ve changed who I am, just that I found a more balanced way of being who I am.
Rachelle, you’re right that it is a lifestyle, since this has changed my view of myself, my partner and the intention I bring into the rest of my life. And in fact when Mr. and I talked about this the other night, we realized that for us, negotiating limits and what we want in our roles actually feels like the most communicative and feminist act we’ve ever undertaken in our relationship–outlining what exactly we want are are willing to give–something that many vanilla wives never get to do with their husbands.
In short: YES! I’m with you!
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