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Manipulation
I have discovered a character flaw within, and LK has suggested I share it with all of you, because is something I am working on changing, with my Sir’s help, of course.
This is not easy to talk about, but I know there is value in honest personal assessment, and even more value in sharing these things with a group of people who are here for me and help to hold me accountable. So, here it is: I am manipulative, and I am VERY good at it. I use emotions to control confrontations with my Sir. I will bounce between accusation, anger, guilt, deflection, and anything else I can grasp onto to avoid accepting responsibility and blame for something I have done to disrespect or disappoint him. I was raised my a mother and grandmother who were BRUTAL in their need to win the argument at all costs. This is how I learned to interact with and control a husband to get whatever I want. I learned from the best, and I will fight tooth and nail to win an argument. It’s like something just snaps inside of me, and I CAN NOT stop until I have won. I can’t back down. I won’t back down. Admitting to being wrong is considered a weakness in my family, and it is really, really hard to defeat the urge to fight for the win.
As a submissive, I have given this a great deal of thought. Obviously, this behavior tears down my Sir’s Dominance. I want him to correct and train me to please him as his submissive, but as soon as he does, my pride kicks in and I will fight until I can convince him he is wrong and deflect the blame away from myself. You see, the problem is, as a sub, I don’t WANT the win. I may want it in the moment…that moment that my hurt pride and desire to win is taking over…I want it so bad, I can’t see anything from his perspective, but after, when the emotions have cooled, the temper has dampened and my inner submission is allowed back from wherever I shoved her deep inside of myself….I am devastated emotionally. After the fact, I am able to see that I beat my submissive down again in the name of self preservation and false pride. Sadly, it isn’t until after the fact that I am able to see that the raging monster inside beat my Sir down again, too. After so many years of this, I have learned how to manipulate him and top him. I am capable of manipulating the situation until my Sir has no idea which way to go, and I “win”. Then, I am left sad, afraid, ashamed and desperate.
I HATE this part of myself. It is so deeply ingrained in me that I don’t even recognize when I am doing it. Sir and I have had several DownTime talks about this in recent weeks, and I have laid all of his ugly truth out for him. I have admitted that I have noticed this in myself and I have humbly asked him to call me out on it EVERY time.This part of me has NO place in our dynamic, but I do not know how to switch it off without him. It is an automatic defense mechanism…almost visceral in its nature. Sir has accepted my plea for help, and with his help…I am seeing improvement already. When he sees that I am heading down the manipulation, denial road…he stops me n my tracks. If I am not ready to accept his words, he will point black say, ” You will not manipulate me”, and he will leave me to kneel and wait for him and think about where I want the conversation to go. Is the damage worth the win? How am I going to feel, as a submissive, if I manage to beat him down?
This is where I have to take a step back and ask myself some of the questions that LK has taught me. “How bad do I want this?” Do I want it badly enough to admit I’m wrong and accept correction? Am I willing to show my Dominant respect in this moment, too, or only when its easy?
This battle..it isn’t over for me, but I am still working on it. Sir hasn’t given up on me, and I see some progress. I see myself backing down faster, allowing myself to be wrong, trusting Sir to carry me when I’m afraid to stop fighting…trusting that he will know how to handle me. My choice to submit to my husband is making it easier and easier to stop fighting for survival. I am learning that I don’t have to fight him. He is on my side, he loves me, and he wants to see me become the best person I can be. -
2 Replies
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I know this wasn’t easy for you to write but you did good! It seems to me that trust is at the heart of this issue, just like so many other issues we all have. Trusting that Big One won’t hurt you but actually help you. Even after having been married for 35 years the issue of trust still rears its ugly head from time to time. Putting on an armor of pride can seem like a good defense in the heat of the moment but it rarely is. Seeing the problem and talking to Big One about it was an excellent start. Good for you!
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Wow Angelica what a post and what a surprise! That is some pretty awesome introspection and self-awareness. That in and of itself is more than half the battle! Now that you know what you do and for the most part why you do it, I am confident you and your Sir can work through this. You both are such great role-models to this dynamic. Your raw honesty with all of us and him is just another reason you will get over this hurdle and become even better role models to the rest of us.
Hugs,
Bliss
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