Libido enhancement/orgasming

[sub_katie_babydoll]

Hi ColDomsub,

This is super long because I’m just writing my heart out and idk if this will even help, or answers your question, but oh well… lol, sorry if it doesn’t help…

Just figured I’d chime in since I am new to orgasming… and still struggle to do it consistently. I can’t orgasm from regular penatrative sex and so far only have been able to while using my wand. It also takes me at least a solid 15-30 minutes of build up with my wand to even feel that pleasure mountain before an orgasmic peak. This is why orgasming during penatrative sex is really hard for me, well also currently hasn’t even happened. I need a lot of build up and consistent rubbing, pressure, etc. on my clit. Luckily, I’ve gotten to the point where I can orgasm while using the wand and then my Sir helping me by stimulating other parts of my body at the same time and he enjoys seeing the whole show haha. I used to be so shy and would play with myself under the covers if he was in the room, but now I feel comfortable showing my whole self in front of him! Also, I’ve noticed one of the biggest factors for me to be able to orgasm is 1. if I take a bubble bath beforehand and get all clean and sensitized, 2. My own confidence level, and 3. if my Sir has no reservations whatsoever with how he talks to me. I love when he’ll encourage me by saying things like “Oh, your so hot… oh, your little pussy looks so pretty for me… oh, you want to cum? That’s right, I want you to scream for me….” or whatever, I think it’s just super nice to know that he likes what he sees…. and that he likes when I can just go wild. And likewise, if you have any reservations while trying to orgasm that might be effecting your ability to… so, if you tend to go a little wild or even or you just start breathing more quickly, then just let it happen and try not to judge it, just observe and feel (:

Also, another thing that helped increase my libido was actually getting to a point where I began looking forward to practicing how to orgasm, which mean’t making it a big, romantic and sensual experience for myself that would oftentimes last a couple hours…. My Sir was on board with me practicing orgasming on my own for however often I felt like I needed. About a year ago when I realized I hadn’t ever orgasmed and I really wanted to, I felt so frustrated that I couldn’t do it, so I had started this journey to really try for it, and my Sir was totally for it. So, biggest tip is to decide for yourself that you really want it. Anytime I ask if I can play with myself, my Sir still 90% of the time will say yes and he’s ok with me practicing doing so by myself in the room, even if he’s not in there. Sometimes he’ll pop in and join me and other times he won’t… I used to feel really guilty for being in there by myself, alone, but now I feel comfortable with it because I know that by practicing by myself, I’m preparing for things like our scenes… the more comfortable I am being an “animal” by myself, the more I’ll be that way during a scene. I’ll tell you my journey so far and hopefully it might help or at least encourage you.

I started out about a year ago (which is also when we tried to start D/s interestingly) trying to figure out this orgasming thing. To get some background, I never touched myself prior… like, literally never. Hadn’t even looked at my nether regions with a mirror or anything. So, it felt awkward at first to touch myself in any way with my fingers. The first obstacle I had to get over was the guilty feeling. I felt guilty for pleasuring myself because I always thought that masturbation was something only guys did and that my husband would somehow be offended if I tried… but, that was totally wrong. It also felt weird for me to be quiet while playing with myself… normally, during sex with my husband I had always been very vocal (like the first time he took my virginity I was vocal!), so this awkward silence in the room the first time I tried playing with myself was odd.

I found out after talking with my hubby, that he really wanted me to start exploring with myself and he wasn’t offended one bit with me masturbating. After we had talked and I was explaining how frustrated I was that I hadn’t been able to orgasm those first couple times I tried, he decided to help. So, he made me lay down on the bed and he told me that I shouldn’t feel bad that I hadnt learned how to orgasm yet, because I was only 22 at that time and that this was something a lot of women struggled with. He then said “I’m going to stay here for as long as it takes to get you to orgasm,” which helped because I always felt pressured with time. He played with me and then pulled out the wand, which I had no idea what it was then. Obviously he had researched this for me which is super sweet. Anyways, so he told me to try to be still and played with me with the wand. I ended up getting so sensitive that I tried to get away and he ended up pressing his body over me as I was laying bell down on the bed to trap me and pushed the vibrater into me hard… and that was the first time I orgasmed. Funny because my Sir made me orgasm that first time but since then, I’ve struggled letting him make me orgasm again… lol It took hours to get there and I’m pretty sure my first one was a “forced” orgasm. And this is an interesting point, because now when I orgasm… Most of the time, I like to imagine I’m being forced to. For me now, I get to the point of orgasm by rubbing myself so hard (once I’m sensitive) that I feel trapped by the sensation. And by hard I mean pretty hard… lol, I dont know if that’s normally how others do it but I like it hard (I start out soft and then work my way up to hard). Idk, I guess it’s like that first time my Sir helped me. Orgasming for me is a battle in my mind. I’m thinking “Oh wow this pleasure is so intense and so good that it’s too much” and part of me wants to take the wand away and give myself a break, but the other part of me wants to “force” myself into it… to experience it completely. Weird, idk…. but now, my Sir has explored finding my g-spot which I really like because it’s also very “forceful.” I get so hot and sweaty, I’ll be begging him to get off me because I’m so hot, but he keeps going…. and it feels so intense that I want it to stop, but also want it to keep going. That’s like the magic combo for me that creates that really sexy orgasmic feeling.

This brings me to my next observation that may help you, as well. Recently, I’ve kind of been noticing that my orgasms are pretty short and quick, which is probably because I “force” them in a way, so the build up is super intense and pleasurable, but then the orgasm itself is just relief because I’m finally able to stop lol. So, I decided to explore more sensual orgasming sessions with myself. I decided this after Js Bunny did her chat on self-care, and I realized that I hadn’t had the attitude of trying to make myself orgasm out of self-care, it was just a forceful type of thing I did where I felt super sweaty and spent afterwards…. but, I wanted to explore orgasming like a flower, orgasming gracefully, and out of self-love instead. I know, I know, I’m really cheesy, just bare with me… So, this was how I started taking a bubble bath before trying to orgasm. I talked with my Sir about my plans and of course he was on board. And so what I did was I kind of planned out my own sexual experience ahead of time. I cleaned my sheets and the week before, I created a orgasm playlist full of songs that evoked emotions, love, and built upon themselves. The night of this orgasming session, I lighted 10 tealight candles all around my room and in the bathroom where I would have my bubble bath. I took a bubble bath and put an essential oil in, which is the “sensual” blend by plant therapy, smells soooo good! I also drank a glass of red wine and had a piece of chocolate to get that romantic feeling. Normally in bubble baths I just sit there… but, this time I made it a sensual experience (full of self-love)! I ran my fingers up and down my legs and arms and just really focused on appreciating the touch. I had never done this before and never really had a good self care routine… but, this was nice. So, once I felt sensitized all over and my skin was nice and warm, I made my way into the room and closed the door (my Sir was ok with this as we had discussed it). I wanted the door shut so I could focus on the experience completely. I put my playlist on in my speaker, loud enough that I couldn’t hear what was going on outside my room. At first I just sat on the bed and slowly began to oil up my legs…. not something I had ever done. I dripped the oil all over my body as I laid down and watched it fall down the curves of my body, and I tried my best to appreciate every part of me. Then I slowly rubbed it all in to my sensitive, warm skin. The candle glow made me feel beautiful. And normally, I would have gone straight to the wand, but this time I just used my fingers even though I knew it probably wouldn’t get me to that mountain of pleasure right away. I played with my nipples, which is something I had never really done before, and all in all just tried to explore myself. Kind of like body exploration scenes… except this was just me. I realized as I was doing this that I would feel more comfortable when my Sir did body exploration with me in the future, because I was able to appreciate my body at that moment. Then, for the first time ever I thought ‘wow, I wish I could create a video of this for my Sir’ and that was the moment I realized, ‘wow, I really do think I love my body!’ So, I kept imagining what I would do or look like if I was filming myself for my Sir and I let my thoughts wander. I was kind of disappointed that I wasn’t able to orgasm from just my hands, but then I thought ‘well, I’m doing this for self-love and it’s ok if I need to use the wand now.’ So, I did. And I built myself up with the wand and yes, I still used it to press down hard while rubbing (when I got close), but this time it didn’t feel like I had to “force” myself to do it. I was enjoying it and didn’t want it to stop. I also didn’t care whether I finally reached peak or not, because I was completely immersed in the present moment, the pleasure I was feeling during the build up. The music helped. And when I did orgasm, I didn’t try to calculate how long it lasted because I didn’t care… I was experiencing pleasure and that was all that mattered. I didn’t have to judge whether my orgasms were “good” or not, based on how long they lasted. And I continued to switch between my fingers and wand, building myself up to peak/orgasm over and over. And when one particularly emotional song came on, I felt like I was floating and filling my body with this symphony of feelings…. and as that song kept playing, I let myself cry and keep pleasuring myself. But, I wasn’t crying because I “forced” anything, it just felt so good to be able to have this beautiful moment with myself where I was appreciating my body and my peaks, my buildups, everything… without judging it or judging my performance. So, after probably 4 hours of doing this I was beeming with happiness because I realized that I no longer needed to use orgasming as a way to judge my subbiness or my sexual abilities. I realized that orgasming doesn’t have to look like me, all sweaty or convulsing on the bed… no, orgasming could be beautiful and it didn’t have to feel dramatic in order to reach peak. People always say that orgasming should feel obvious and that “you’ll know it when you get there,” which is true… but, I kept beating myself up for not having more obvious orgasms, when in reality I was reaching a peak of pleasure and that in itself was orgasm! Orgasm doesn’t have to look obvious, but if you feel a peak, a satisfaction, and then relief (it doesn’t have to be dramatic relief, but just any kind of endorphine or wave of happiness at all) then it’s beautiful and is an orgasm! Orgasms don’t have to “count” only if they are super obvious… no, they can feel like a peak and then simmer down slowly, it doesn’t have to be a big “forceful” burst. Both can feel good and both are still orgasms.

After that session I came out of the room and my Sir looked so happy to see my flushed face and oily body. I brought my speaker and repeated my playlist and just remember talking to my Sir about it and while he cooked dinner, I just started dancing naked lol…. I was so happy and proud that I could report this revelation to my Sir and he obviously liked seeing me that happy, too.

So, that night that I decided to immerse myself into sensations and appreciation for whatever I was feeling, I realized that the key to orgasming was really just to find that peak, which isn’t something you can always control… you just have to let it happen. And for me, right now in my life, I can only reach that peak with my wand and that’s ok. I still have a goal to explore g-spot orgasms or maybe one day being able to orgasm just from fingers or light stimulation, but for now I can be satisfied with whatever feelings my body gives me. So, the trick to increasing libido is to do things that make you feel good and make you feel appreciated. Sometimes I still want those “forceful” types of orgasms because it’s this wild, adrenaline rush, type of peak… but other times I just want to slowly climb my peak and then slowly simmer down. Orgasms don’t have to look obvious, it’s just about being open to whatever types of feelings you have.

And for me, experiencing these orgasming sessions by myself have been really helpful in the scenes and playtimes I have with my Sir. I feel like once I can appreciate my own body, I’m comfortable with the thought that my Sir actually does appreciate me, too. So, when those doubts of “does my Sir really think I’m sexy?” come into my mind, I have memories of the times when I, myself, thought I was sexy and even wanted to film it for my Sir… and then I can be like “oh yeah, I AM sexy.” I mean, it doesn’t always work like that… of course there are days when it’s just hard to appreciate myself, but learning how to play with myself and be sensual has helped a lot. It gave me the confidence I needed to be able to submit during scenes and know that when my Sir says he likes me, I can trust that he means it. Orgasming is about trusting yourself and trusting the process…. and trusting that you are an individual, with unique likes and emotions and feelings. It’s about celebrating that and giving yourself the experience of pleasure. So, try to take away any of those judgements of the process and try to just let it happen. Try to get really curious about your body and do things like brushing your fingers up and down your legs in the bubble bath, or let yourself cry when you hear an emotional song, or even let yourself grind as hard as you possible can on your wand because you just love that animalistic feeling…. lol, do whatever makes you feel deeply and go wild. And definitely don’t think about time whatsoever…. time creates so much pressure, but just enjoy however much time it takes. And if the idea of masturbating by yourself feels weird or wrong, or maybe your Sir doesn’t want to or you don’t want to, then maybe try doing these things with your Sir, even on video (through a safe app of course).

I wrote A LOT because I’m really passionate about this… orgasming for me, felt like such a big thing I wanted to accomplish (and still want to be able to more consistently). I hope this helps….. and just remember that your libido and orgasm feelings are unique to you, so definitely try not to compare your experience to others. I know I struggle with that. I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to squirt and I’d love to hear other people’s experiences for my own inspiration, but I have to remind myself not to compare and pass judgment on my own experiences.

[Zie]

That was beautifully said. My experience was pretty similar which I am laughing about right now. Who knew! Right??? Anyway. I had not had sex in 3 yrs and ignored my health until broken bones were happening. I finally consented to hormone testing. I have been in surgical menopause for 27 years. My body came awake for the first time in October 2020. I too had forced or “taken” orgasms. I had a definite idea of what one was aand WHo was gonna give it to me. ME- period. With the complete surrender to DH (this was before we found D/S at all) Boy howdy was I WRONG. Oct 14 2020 we truely got together for the 1st time probably since we got married 19 yrs ago. Things started clicking immediately and my ideas THAT NIGHT about “why do I keep going away in stimulation/sensations so quickly. THE it dawned on me what was happening! I was so happy. DH and I were giggling about how wet I was becoming and mentioned squirting. I kid you not, I watched some utube videos and went to the bedroom and apparently I have that ability – I just never CALLED it that. Now… DH is trying to help me get all the stuff outta my mind so I can actually to it during sex. I got blocks to this thing that are fascinating both of us. Lots of old tapes. So glad to read that missive- I’ll keep trying. My little mind has old ideas departing now- thanks😘

[sub_katie_babydoll]

Hi! I don’t think I’ve met you yet but maybe I’ll catch you in the chat sometime (: I’m new to D/s-M and this whole submission journey has been wonderful so far. The mentors here are awesome, and everyone I’ve met so far. I’m glad you brought up hormones… I’m 23 so not close to menopause yet, but I do remember I had a really rough times on birth control and now I’m wondering if that had effected my hormones/ability to orgasm? I had never thought about that connection, but I remember I tried so many different types of birth control pills but would throw up constantly and it made me so nauseous every time I took it. Then, I had gotten the IUD and it wasn’t the best either…. Recently, I just decided to stop birth control and instead we use alternate methods during my “fertile” window (which isn’t so bad because they are kinky and fun! hehehe). And guess what? My orgasms have been better! I know my body just had bad reactions to birth control, and of course other people are probably just fine taking it…. but, moral of the story- hormones definately play a role. Definately a interesting point!

I’m glad you liked my long response lol…. I didn’t mean to write so much. 😅 But, hopefully it helps to know your not alone. I have been trying really hard to try listening to my body’s sensations instead of always “forcing” it…. it’s really hard to do that, though. I’ve tried focusing on deep breathing and clearing my mind, but it’s so difficult because my thoughts race so much. I also get really wet and I want to try squirting because I think I’ve been close so many times! Just haven’t quit reached it yet.