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Lack of trust.
Please forgive this post if it rambles. I have had several things swirling in my head for a few weeks, and I thought it might help me organize them if I express them here.
A little while ago, I was in a conversation with LK, in which I was expressing some concerns I was having regarding a disagreement I had with my HusDom that went sour. I actually don’t even recall the nature of the argument….just that I was left upset after. Anyway, in that conversation, LK pointed out to me that there was a lot of “I” in my statements. It kind of hit me like a brick…reality check sort of brick. I paused that evening and really gave that some deep thought. She was right, (no surprise there…lol), and I began to really sit and analyze where all of the “I” was coming from, and openly asked my Sir if I was a self-focused submissive. A couple of DTs later and Sir and I were onto something. What we came up with was hard to admit…almost impossible in its bitter taste. My self-focus was coming from one main problem. I don’t trust him. I trust him physically, of course. I can submit to scenesand playing, corrections, major life decisions easily, because I know him. He wont hurt me, (at least not more than I want him to…<grin>), and after 20 plus years together, I trust that he loves me and wants the best for me…physically. The harder part of submission for me, I have discovered, is trusting him emotionally. After being raised by parents, divorced now, who did not exhibit trust and a mother who taught me to stand up and do everything in my own strength at all costs, and then using my own layers of self-protection and self-dependence to make sure I never gave anyone opportunity to hurt me…and to make sure I fought tooth and nail to protect myself and satisfy my own needs and desires, I simply am not in a habit of trusting him to recognize and provide for my emotional needs. When my speech is peppered with too many “I”s, it is because I have stepped behind the emotional barricades that I have spent many, many years building. I am not, in those moments, trusting him to provide for me emotionally, trusting him to recognize my mental needs and answer them in his own way and his own time. That is when I build unfair expectations, react with anger and disrespect, or don’t recognize and acknowledge the steps he is taking in those moments to care for me and develop his dominance. I become so blinded with the deep grained need to protect and defend myself that I can’t see past it in the fury of the moment, and then I lose control. What I have realized is that the reason I lose control is because I have not TRULY given it to him…not all of it, not the parts that are too hard to trust him with. I pretend to give him control, and rather than leaving the control safely in his care, I snatch it back and use it to manipulate the situation to my liking. There are past emotional hurts from years of marital vanilla-ized strife, and those manifest themselves as they show up and try to re-build the walls that I thought we tore down months ago when we did our clean slate. Each argument, each time I feel I have to defend myself, fight for myself, make sure MY needs are met because I don’t trust that he sees them, the self doubt, the instinct to take back the reigns because I think I know better…..these things all re-build that wall..brick by brick. So, that is my self realization. Trust does not come easily for me….not full emotional trust, anyway. We are working on it, and I truly believe that recognizing the problem is 95 percent of the solution. Each time I feel a brick forming in my mind, I admit it to him and it gives him an opportunity to earn the trust of that moment and crush the brick to dust under the boot of his dominance and provision for me.
@littlekaninchen Once again, thank you for your advice. Even in casual conversation, you speak pearls of wisdom that have life-changing reach for me.
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6 Replies
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Thank you for sharing this, it echoes well with issues I am struggling with.
“make sure MY needs are met because I don’t trust that he sees them”
I just said, “yes that” to the screen when reading and I need to talk to Sir about this.
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Sometimes it blows my mind how much we share without even knowing it and around the same times. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have wrote a similar entry in my journal about how it is easier to trust Sir with my life, the very air I breath vs. giving him my heart, my emotions. I have been trying to figure out where this stems from, even talking to vanilla friends about it. After reading your post and a conversation I had yesterday I can see how not having that strong male figure in your life to show you your worth can effect your future relationships. Angelica our stories are not the same but I never modeled my marriage after my parents. I hated how they seemed more like friends than lovers. I never really saw my dad go out of his way to make my mom happy or even hold a door for her and she didn’t really respect him in the ways a wife should respect her husband. I knew how a man was supposed to treat a woman because of my grandfather. I am not sure how to over come something like this. Something that I don’t feel like Sir is really responsible for causing. It is just who I have always been. I hope we can chat about this. I would love some help on learning how to over come such a huge struggle. You speak to my heart with this post.
<3 ALways
Kleine -
Thank you for your replies, ladies. It is always nice to affirm that the struggles that pop up are not mine alone. 🙂 I will be happy to chat about it any time, Kleine. I hope that you are finding ways to approach the issue head on, which seems to be the thing that s helping me work through it. <3 *hugs*
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I just woke up so my brain is still foggy and not able to form sentences well. But I wanted to chime in and say I have related so much to everything said here. I’ve never had any example of a man I could really trust and rely on growing up, and it’s slim pickings now as an adult too. Once turning on the D/s switch I learned to trust him physically and then with life and household decisions. I’d like to say I’m trying to give him trust in my emotional well-being and happiness but typing here now I don’t think I have, not really.
I need to sit with this for a bit and think on my actions and what changes I can make. What does trust in that area look and feel like? I don’t know. Thank you ladies so much. You’ve helped me uncover something I didn’t want to know was there.
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Thank you for sharing. This has given me a lot to think about too. I definitely trust my Sir, but in terms of emotional well-being, I think I’ve entrusted him only with what I’ve been willing to turn over to him, which is not everything. The walls start to come down, and then I put them back up when I feel as if he ignores me–self-preservation.
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Angelica, thank you for sharing this. I am confident when I say that if your name wasn’t on it, anyone that knew me personally would think I wrote it.. it sounds so much like what I have gone through over and over… trust is so valued in my life and I don’t give it freely.. the minute I feel that my best interest is at risk that brick wall comes down around me and my heart and I am a fighting … well I’m not easy to be around because I feel like fight or flight… every day is a learning experience and another shot at trying to remember that not everyone is going to hurt me and that most people are generally speaking good people, including particularly those closest to me.. the ones that have to deal with me, LOL. I give them more trust… but scared faster that they will not look out for me basically the way “I” would look out for me, if that makes any sense. Bottom line. I enjoyed reading this!
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