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Intro (sub male, married exploring, nervous, curious)
Hi all,
Exploring being a sub man, new to this whole thing. 50 years old. Married for 10+ years to a wonderful woman, C. Pretty normal life – three kids, professionals, pretty vanilla. Probably the first time we went beyond that was a few years ago after my prostate surgery (cancer survivor, yo), I really couldn’t get it up for several months. I wanted C to be happy, so for the first time I went to a local adult shop and started getting some toys. I found that I really loved focusing on her needs even when I was going without. I suppose I’ve had these feelings for a long time – I love serving C and just want to make her happy. Fast forward to recently, for a long time my fantasy life has been along submissive lines – e.g. stories on literotica, captioned photos etc. Finally I kind of came to terms with the fact that this is what I really want in reality as well, and my fantasy isn’t “some domme out there on the internet”, but it’s C. While she was out of town for a week, I bit the bullet and got a CB6000, mainly to see if I could wear it for real. I wrote and rewrote a long letter to her saying why I felt I was a sub, and also why I think she has a domme side, and wanting to take this into our relationship more deliberately. So when she got back a week ago I read her the letter. I was super nervous. She didn’t laugh at me right away, which was a plus. She wondered where this came from, why I hadn’t brought this up sooner, she objected that she’s not a dominatrix, that sometimes she wants to be dominated, and also appreciated me being honest about this. She did say she wished I’d brought this up years ago when we were younger as she could have had a lot of fun with that.
She was definitely not into the cage, thinking it was weird, so I took it off right away. Left it in the drawer with our other toys. I kind of like it, though, so I’ve worn it a couple of times when she wasn’t there. I’m hoping at some point in the future she’ll want to use it as part of play and even enforce it for extended time periods.
Anyway, in the week since we’ve had a few conversations. She obviously read a few articles online (that I recognized as ones that I’d read as well). She’s teased me a little (e.g. in talking about things at work she said she didn’t want to be seen as a ball-buster, then turned to me and laughed and said “though I suppose you’d be into that”). I’ve been extremely (maybe overly?) affectionate, partly because being up front about this has been a bit turn on for me, but also because I want to be really open about serving her. She’s said that’s been a little overwhelming and wants me to back off a bit and be more normal. She’s wondered/accused whether this is just because she’s recently lost weight. I suppose there is a bit of truth that she looks amazing, probably better than she ever has, though I’ve always thought she was beautiful. The main thing though is that as she has lost weight she’s been acting more confident, dressing better, simultaneously growing into her power professionally, all of this has been a huge turn-on for me. Our intimate life hasn’t changed, not that I expected her to suddenly dress in leather and tie me up. I’m realistic enough to know that. She did get some new lingerie and has also been happy to get long foot rubs and massages from me.
Not sure what I’m expecting. I’m not really wanting anything that I would see as extreme – I’ve gone through a list of things I’d be comfortable doing or not doing and I’m pretty much at the vanilla end of things. I guess I’d mostly just want her to be comfortable being more in charge in the bedroom and more vocal about it – ordering me to do the things that I already love doing anyway.Anyway, that’s where I’m at. Nervous, but also hopeful, about what the future may bring.
If anyone has actually read this whole thing, first, thanks for listening. Second, I’m curious as to your experiences if you’ve come to the D/s realization in the context of already being in a long term relationship or marriage. If you’re a sub and approached your spouse, how did they respond? If you’re the dominant and your partner was the one to bring this up, how did you feel?
B
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2 Replies
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You will find that almost all of us here are in long term/married relationships. And we came to realize that we were submissive well into that relationship. What you won’t find here at all, ever, is a dominant, they have their own site.
For me personally, we had been married around 30 years when our journey began but we didn’t find subMrs/HusDom until about 3 years ago. I found subMrs and suggestion he go look at husDom and we talked and decided this is something we wanted to explore. We are now what I would call a casual 24/7 D|s-M couple. We don’t do a lot of high protocol stuff, I only have a few rules and rituals but BayoWolf is Dom all the time and I am sub all the time.
You will find that there are as many different takes on this as there are members on this site. But, LKs methods have helped us all to get to a comfortable place in our relationships.
If you haven’t yet, please read D|s-M arrangement. Its a great place to start. There is a pull down menu at the top entitled “Where to begin”. The blogs there are all foundational blogs that will help in figuring out how to do TTWD (This thing we do) in a marriage.
Hugs Y’all
Pearl -
Welcome- I echo all that Pearl said- we have been married 45 years (almost) and D/sM about 7. Each couple and relationship is different and I would encourage you to read the foundation blogs and then reach out if you have any concerns or questions.
Again-
Welcome 🙂
Wench
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