I have lost my Dom, only the marriage remains

[Unknown Member]

SecretSub,
It hurts my heart to read your post. I know that even when our D/s goes vanilla just a little bit, my inner being aches for the submission to be reset. So I can only imagine how you feel about the change your relationship has made you feel.
There is something that you said that niggles at me though, it is when you wrote ” He says he wants it back when we can make it work. I don’t believe him”. That sentence alone shows both hope to have your D/s back from him yet your lack of trust in him. This conflict is what you may want to try to sort out in your heart and mind.
“He wants it back when we can make it work” That statement shows that he is still willing but maybe there is something that he feels keeps it from being consistent , a roadblock perhaps. It may not be you at all, it may be something that is troubling him, his confidence or leadership. Open communication is critical so talking about “what will make it work” is what I see as key.
“I don’t believe him” That statement, although the previous one I quoted has hope, this one destroys the hope. Focus on trust in your relationship and be positive. Do not let your mistrust emotion set you up for failure to give you the future opportunity to try to get back the D/s relationship. A positive vibe goes a long way, a negative vibe is just poison and trust me , he can clearly see both.
I am saddened by your pain and I hope that you can find your way back to D/s.
Communication is where I would start. Get your feelings out on the table and you may find out a little more about your Sir’s perspective as a result.
My best wishes to you, MG

[april]

(hugs), I really hope you can find your way back crying dry tears is the hardest thing

[sweetchieks]

Hi April,
How are things now? I see you posted this several weeks ago. I just joined the site and yours is the first post that caught my eye. We also came into D/s later in our marriage (about 15 years) and have been working on it for the past 4 years. It does have ups and downs, especially when you live a mostly “vanilla” lifestyle. Kids, jobs, family and vanilla friends (as far as we know) make the opportunities to play and live D/s very few and far between. Especially if your Dom is not instinctively Dominant. For my husband, being Dominant is appealing, but it’s also work. He actually has to be actively thinking in that way, it doesn’t come naturally to him. So when he’s stressed with work or busy with other things occupying his mind, the D/s tends to fall by the wayside. I sympathize with you, because as a submissive we bare so much of ourselves, it takes a lot of courage to open yourself up and trust someone so completely to take care of you in that way, and when they don’t seem to carry through. It’s easy to become resentful, I know I did.
When we hit the ebbs in our relationship, we talked a lot about what we wanted from adding this aspect to our marriage. I found a lot of reassurance in forums and submissive sites. And trying to remind myself that as a submissive, patience is key. If my Dom is stressed and busy, my role to make his life smoother at home takes a priority, and my needs must come after. Journalling daily for him to read, offering myself by kneeling (collared, naked or in lingerie) at night and morning reminds both of us daily, that I promise to submit, whether or not he opts to Dominate. My efforts in this way are often rewarded with his dominance emerging more and more. Communication and patience, I hope you find a way to make it work.

[sweetchieks]

OOps!! I addressed that to April, and it was supposed to be to Secret Sub! Sorry!

[schatzi]

Secret sub, I know this feeling I have been there, it is an impossible feeling. The what could have been, the loss of Ds is horrible, I would wish this on no one.

After a year of D/s my husband and I had to stop, in hindsight it wasn’t right the way we were doing it. I couldn’t say that at the time but I see it now, almost 3 months later.

I thought I’d never get past the pain of not being his sub, submission was in me. I cried a lot and moarned our lost Ds. I didn’t even know how to speak to him as my husband anymore, Sir would slip out of my mouth and I’d cry about it later, I wanted to call him Sir to belong to him again.

Finally, about a month after the fallout, we started talking again about out D/s. It was slow at first, we found other long term Ds couples in our local community. We read some books they recomended. We still didn’t have a D/s relationship ,but slowly the kink came back, slowly Sir was in my vocab again but only occasionally in the bedroom.

During this time I decided if he didn’t want to tell me to be submissive, I’d be submissive on my own. I’d do things he would notice to please him with out being asked and with no expectation of Dominance in return. I keep this up for a week before one night his Dom showed itself in the bedroom, it was magical. That was 3 weeks ago.

Just this past Sunday we decided we were ready to give it another try at the 24/7 D/s relationship. Moving slowly, feeling out how we should be together in this sence. I(we) the sub’s can’t push, I can’t have exceptations yet. This is new, for real new to us dispute having been D/s for a year before. I need to give him his space to find his feet, I need to tell him what I need and want and not expect it to all happen overnight. We both keep learning, we have reached out for help and taken some workshops to give us some confidence to give me the courage to try again. I never thought I’d have that courage.

Secret Sub, I hope you find your way back together, I hope your pain passes and I really hope you can find the courage to try again. I know how hard the thought of it might be. Good Luck and feel free to message me for support.

[mouse]

Schatzi,

Thank you for this post, my husband and I are just beginning our journey, and I’m wondering what books you were directed too. I want to be submissive to my husband, but struggle at times due to our different approaches to situations. I’m a doer planner, and he tends to be a much slower think about things read about it, then act on it. So anything that I can direct him or give to him is helpful.

[hisbutterfly]

These posts were so helpful to me. Thank you all. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I fear that happening to us. I will not be able to go on in our marriage if this dies. I NEED it. I will do whatever it takes to keep this alive, thus so I may truly live.