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husdom affection
so Im not really sure what to do. my Dom is fantastic to me and treats me like an angel. before we started this dynamic I had been having several talks with him over several months about being more affectionate, paying more attention to me instead of putting life first and me on the back burner… starting this dynamic has been great for us but I’m still having problems with him being more affectionate. he doesn’t pull me to him and kiss me over and over, he doesn’t come up behind me and wrap his arms around me, and he doesn’t do any of the other cute playful things that you would do if you were in love/showing love to your s.o. I make sure I shower my Dom with attention and affection but I always feel like I’m not important or not receiving the same in return. that’s what part of this lifestyle is about right? not to mention he’s the only one that gets any type of oral or more than five minutes of foreplay… I can’t even get fingered for five minutes before we just have what feels like to me as vanilla sex….
my next issue is… I mentioned to him a few days ago about how I think husdom would really help him and give him ideas…. his response was more of a “ehhh I don’t know if I want to go that far”… I’ve been running in circles on the web finding stuff for him but I find a good place for him to get All the info he could ever need and he doesn’t seem to want the help??
I’m so frustrated and all I want is to be tied up and be tortured for hours…
what am I supposed to do at this point?? 😞
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8 Replies
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Hi bambamslexi. Welcome to subMrs and thank you for posting. I think you will find a lot of other subbies who have struggled with things like this. Many times our Sirs take a lot longer than we hoped for. I know for me, I had to focus on my submission, not my Sirs Dominance. Did I only want to be his submissive if he did exactly what I wanted or did I want it bad enough to work on my own submission while he worked at his own pace. I did, and my patience is paying off. Have you done Formal Acceptance? Did your Sir say yes to being your Dominant? If you skipped this step go back and do it. Once he has said yes, then explore more deeply. What does Ds look like to your Sir? What does it look like to you? Are you both working toward the same goal? Be patient and allow your Sir time to navigate this dynamic. Most of all, enjoy the process! D|s-M is supposed to be FUN! It’s supposed to improve you marriage. If that isn’t happening then step back and see where the problem is and if it can be fixed. Good Luck!!
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thank you hisgirl for the advice. we have made a contract with a few rules but he hasn’t really set any rituals which I know will come in time. I hadn’t thought about the whole work on my submission and he will catch up. I just really wish he would join husdom.com because I think it would help him a lot. but I guess that will come with time also….
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Not everyone is as open to internet stuff. My Sir really never does anything on the computer that isn’t work related. He does read any articles that I send him though so I have learned to just accept that he isn’t a chatter kind of guy and may never be. Its hard when we can see the benefit but they dont. But, it’s ok. Just keep working on yourself and he will see how great things can be!
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thank you so much for your support!
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hisgirl has given you some outstanding advice. Sub frenzy is a real thing that most of us have dealt with to some extent. We want it all and we want it now. There are several things you can do to deal with this.
1. Stop and take a deep breath.
2. Remember this is your dynamic and it will NOT look like anyone else’s.
3. Journal all that you feel and want. I let Sir read my journal. That way he knew what I was thinking before we had downtime.
4. As hisgirl said, concentrate on your submission. My mom used to tell me all the time that taking care of myself was a full time job and to not worry so much about my brother. The same advice works here. Working on your submission takes a lot of work. You will have little time to worry about his Dominance.
5. COMMUNICATE! Telling your Sir something once will not ever do the trick. After y’all figure out what you want your dynamic to look like you may need to remind your Sir, respectfully of course, of something he agreed to do.
6. I left this one till last because it is the hardest and will take the most time…Patience. Around here we lovingly call it “The P word.” You must have patience with. your Sir and yourself. That’s why I started off with telling you to breathe. It takes lots of patience and grace to make D|s-M work.
You’ve got this. Just keep working at it.
Keep moving y’all
Pearl
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Hi bam, I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I was just chatting with an old subbie friend and we were trying to count the years we’ve been doing this and how our respective dynamics wound up. Both of us agreed that it is not what we thought e wanted but it turned out to be what we needed.
Communicating my desires to my Sir was an essential first step. With my Sir this was a major hurdle because we didn’t have very good skills in that department. Journaling changed all that. I can write what I want, what I need, what I most earnestly desire and my Sir can read it which he did and does. This actually is probably the most important thing we did to get through the communication barrier.
The next step for me was accepting that He is going to be making all the decisions as to what we do.
That is in our Formal Agreement. So I had to just learn to be a passive participant. That was the tough part. For so many years I would think “If only He would…..” and scripted everything that I though our dynamic should and would look like. But it doesn’t work that way for us. The subs here have said ‘think about your submission – not his dominance’ and that is a powerful challenge. It is exactly the concept that changed our dynamic to being something amazing.
After changing my attitude to acceptance of His leadership and respect for it I stopped thinking “if only He would….” to “thank you Sir for whatever you give…” it settled my conflict. I felt peaceful and able to receive what He was able to give me.
Patience, as the girls have advised, is the key. I learned patience and acceptance and one morning I found myself being cuffed to the bedposts. He had read my Journal entries and was acting on them!!! And it just got better and better. We began the journey at different starting points. It was unfair of me to expect Him to develop his part in my timetable.
hugs, elskling
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thank you everyone for the advice and kind words! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. I plan to work on myself and know my sir will catch up and know what’s going on inside my head but letting him read my journal.
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All of this could have been written by me. I have chatted with several seasoned members and expressed the same thing. Patience is truly what I struggle with. I read all this stuff and think “if only he knew this…”. But I am learning I have to step back, let go, and let him develop at his own pace. Otherwise I have a hissy fit and say I quit because I don’t look to see that he truly is trying.
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