-
Humiliation/Degradation in BDSM
I’m writing this post as something to explore an area which for some (even amongst us kinky people) as taboo. And it’s certainly a hard limit for many – and justifiably so, of course.
First, my credentials, such as they are: I am male (which means that I have different ways of seeing things than many people on this site – not a bad thing, but I’ve found that the phrase ‘men are from mars and women are from Venus’ is often a truism). I KNOW I think differently than both my late wife and my current wife. That’s fine – it’d be bloody boring if we all thought the same… Anyway, I’m male, masochistic (but I’ll direct you to LT’s brilliant post on that:
https://submrs.com/bdsm-interview-with-a-masochist-uncutuncensored-ds-m-lifestyle/ ) and I ‘enjoy’ being humiliated and degraded as part of O/our dynamic.I have read that many submissive males do. I have also read that many submissive women don’t and questions I’ve asked some of you tend to bear this out. On my reading on this aspect of my personality (and it’s place in BDSM) there is no hard and fast reason as to why men appear to want/need humiliation or degradation more than women (and it’s important to remember of course, that not all men want to be humiliated, not even necessarily a majority).
One hypothesis is that women are faced with far more humiliation in day to day life than men are: the stereotypical construction workers’ cat calls, the workplace sexual harassment, the unwanted drunken grope at a pub or bar. This hypothesis seems to be reasonable as far as it goes (and I’d be interested in your opinions). I can certainly say no one has ever wolf whistled at me and I’ve never experienced sexual harassment. I have been groped in bars whilst in duty (man in uniform), but it was long ago and as a male in his early twenties it probably only made me more confident…
The hypothesis certainly runs parallel to the person being submissive at home to escape the high pressure responsibilities of their job (and this is only one possible reason for being submissive of course).
So, we have (maybe) established why (maybe) more men enjoy humiliation.
The next question is of course what is humiliation and are different types? The answer (in my opinion) to the first is that humiliation is something that is deeply personal. What is humiliating to me may not be to someone else and vice versa. An example: I, like many of you wear a collar, for play and sleep (I have a leash too for sleep). I am comforted by this collar, by the overtones of ownership and care that come with it. I am not humiliated or embarrassed at all to wear it. Certainly not with my Queen. My Queen is not comfortable with me wearing it in public or I would. But ask a vanilla person what the idea of being collared means to them and many of them would miss the wonderful living component and go straight to various unflattering connotations. They would never dream of wearing one. Many of us here would be embarrassed to be ‘outed’ in a submissive’s collar – and that’s okay too.
I kneel naked in front if my Queen, with my face against the carpet and my hands spreading my arse wide whilst she calls me a disgusting, dirty boy. This humiliation is aroysing and I long for it. I would be mortified if under some form of bizarre circumstances, I ended up naked, kneeling and spread like that before my work colleagues.
Same action, different circumstances, different types of humiliation. One good and one bad.
Who out there enjoys their Dom calling them a slut? And why? It’s not because you actually are (presumably – although there’s nothing wrong with being polyamorous if course (and I wouldn’t dream of using the word slut other than in a consenting bdsm situation in any case).
My thought is that the word slut, just like me being spread wide and called disgusting, makes us feel a bit naughty, a bit more free to be ourselves sexually. When placed in a ‘humiliating’ situation by someone we love and trust, in a safe environment, we are able to take the emotional energy from that ‘humiliation’ and use it in a positive manner, to help power us sexually, help turbo charge our arousal, our excitement.
What is an acceptable level of humiliation is, of course different for everyone. What I find is okay for my Queen to do, to free that energy will be different from someone else, who may indeed be truly and negatively humiliated and it’s important that that line isn’t crossed.
So think about what humiliates you, just enough, and explore what that humiliation can do for you. It may open doors to expressions of love and joy and pleasure in unexpected ways. Use humiliation as another tool in your toy bag, like the cuffs, the flogger, the gag…
My thoughts 🙂
HerSubject
-
6 Replies
-
Thank you HS for an enlightening post – you just answered a few unspoken questions I’ve had some time.
Always thought humiliation was not my thing – but reading your post I just met my self in the door on that one too. “never say never!”
It dose not have to be the big things – public humiliation or anything severe – but that little phrase that ignites the flame … i see your point
Thank you again
Flower -
Great post hs. Lots to ponder. Thank you 🙂
I agree flower thought it wasn’t mine either but slowly I am conceding and by my own desire.
-
I always enjoy reading your posts HS and you write really well. I also agree with Flower. The way that you have expressed this as made me think again. Humiliation is something which I felt I would try but wasn’t particularly into but the way you have explained it I think that actually it strikes more within me than I thought before. Thank you for enlightening me. I believe I may have dismissed something which could be very exciting to me.
-
First I would like to thank you HS for mentioning my post and your kind comment. I have just read this post and it is awesome. You write clear and express your feelings towards a subject that is easily understood by all who read it. It made me think also that even though impact play is my thing Sir does use verbal humiliation a lot in our play and sometimes around the house since we have no kids under foot. And I do love it, but I don’t think I would like Sir to do it in a public place. I also agree with your statement and reasons why men handle it better and like it more than women for the facts that you mentioned. But we all know that what we say we wouldn’t do or try now, may change as we grow in our D/s journey. Again, awesome post HS!
-
With humiliation, I had a similar experience, I asked my Sir to call me his slut during a scene, but it was not pre-negotiated and he did not do it. We have talked since and he said that I am not ready yet. I kind of agree with him. He does not want it to back fire on us and me so he will decide when it will happen. I also think that he is not ready to call me slut either in a scene. Perhaps it is because he is trying to build his own confidence to the level it takes to call me a slut in the context of beauty. So patience is needed for both of us to achieve this level of trust and love. I would have to start with humiliation in a private setting public humiliation is a hard limit for me right now. I need to grow more.
-
On this subject… My Queen, during a scene last night, had me dry humping her wand, with a large butt plug inserted and piercings in my buttocks. She sat behind me between my legs and as I frantically humped away like a badly behaved dog she called me repeatedly slur and whore. (She’s impressively eloquent).. The abuse, in the safe confines of O/our bedroom merely served to make me even more desperately horny. I’ve never orgasmed by dry humping before. I won’t be able to say that again…
And as an added bonus my Queen’s little whore took four fingers (my Queen wanted to help make sure that I made lk’s Fourth of July Challenge)
Just an example of how degradation/humiliation works for U/us in supercharging things…
Log in to reply.