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How to help Him
Hi! Hopefully I’m weiting in the correct spot for advice. It’s uard to navigate on my phone! Little bit of background info. I’m 29, married to my husband for 5 years with 2 kids (1 and 3). I came to him a few months ago with a desire to explore a D/s relationship dynamic within our marriage. He was onboard immediately. Both of us felt like we were always meant to be this way. For a while, our marriage and sex life was the best it had ever been. There were hiccups, because we were new at this, but nothing major. We communicated through each bump in the road. He is a tax accountant. So around the end of March, things at work got very stressful and hectic for him. He began to step out of his Dom role, I began to pick up slack so he could focus on work, and I didn’t push the issue because I understood it was just a season. We were doing a lot of communicating through my journal. I took a break writing because I didn’t want to add to his mental load with my feelings. Again, I was completely ok and understanding of this because of the insane demands of his job (like, 80ish hours a week, working literally everyday for 20ish day’s straight), and knowing that it would be over April 15. So April 15 comes around, and passes. The rest of that week is pretty chill. He caught up on a few home projects, played video games, went to bed early most nights. Again, I was understanding that he was recovering. He had earned the right to do that however he wanted. After a week had gone by, we had a heart to heart and he apologized for letting the dynamic slip away and for not getting back into that role once tax season was over. Reiterated how much he wanted that for us, and promised for us to work towards that again. Fast forward 5 days, nothing has changed (including still no sex). I leave for a weekend away at a conference and come home feeling pretty emotional. I write in my journal that I’m no longer sure I want to pursue this. Being in a constant state of waiting for him to step up is detrimental to what wasn’t a bad marriage to begin with. At first he gets super emotional and wants to give it up as well so as to not hurt me, but then asks for one more chance.
So I guess I’m looking for advice on how to help him. We had no problem starting this process, so how do I help him “restart”? I feel like he would do fine if he just got some traction, but he’s gotten all in his head thinking that by getting wrapped up in work, he’s ruined it and he says everything he wants to do and say now feels awkward to him. Help!
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6 Replies
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Hi SubMrsMoore. My Sir and I are pretty new to this as well, so I’m probably not the best person to give advice. I think this is a common problem for us newbies, and I have found some resources that are helpful, including this site, of course. If you find a book that you think might help your Sir with this, highlight portions and ask him to read it. My Sir found this helpful, and I noticed changes right away. LK has some great posts about how to suggest things to your Sir and is very reassuring that this not “topping from the bottom” because in the early days they really do need our suggestions. She also mentions that if you’re not getting enough dominance from your Sir to respond by being even more submissive yourself – kneel for him when he doesn’t ask, call him Sir (or whatever your name for him is), speak respectfully, show your submission whenever you can and he will respond. Talk with him about implementing just a few rules and/or rituals, as we have found that these act as daily reminders of each person’s role. Every night when I ask Sir whether I can get into bed it reminds me (and I think him) of our dynamic. All of this may take a while, so hang in there. Hopefully your Sir is on the husdom.com website and has read most if not all of the Blog posts from the past several years, as my Sir finds that helpful, too. If you find a blog post on SubMrs or on Husdom that you think applies to the two of you, forward it to him. I really do think the results will be more than worth the effort you put in. Good luck to you!
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Hi SubMrsMoore!
You are in the right place. It is natural for there to be a lot of bumps in the road. Trust me, we have had our share. I have struggled with being impatient and wanting everything to be perfect. I am working on that! Make sure you have the foundations in place. Follow the beginning process the way LK describes it. Start with the earliest blogs and go forward from there. Have you done Formal Acceptance? Do you have an established Downtime routine. Both of those will help grow your dynamic. If your Sir is not on husDom, then I would definitely encourage that. He will get support just like you get it here. If you aren’t already a Premium member I would encourage that both of you become Premium. There is so much more content and “how too’s” on the Premium Blogs. Please jump on chat whenever you are online. Everyone is here to help! -
Welcome SubMrsMoore!
Yes, you are in the perfect place for this type of question. How to encourage your Sir to lead without undermining his dominance is truly one of the most common questions I have seen from subs coming into this dynamic. Downtime was the best tool for us to keep the dynamic on the right track when we were still figuring things out. Whenever I have something on my mind related to our D|s-M, but I want to avoid being confrontational, I journal about it. Whenever there is a journal entry completed, I leave the journal on his nightstand as a signal. He is able to read my perspectives and process without feeling pressure to respond immediately. When he is ready to talk, he will instruct me to get undressed and kneel in our bedroom, and then he leads the discussion. I understand not wanting to add to his stress during a very busy time, but having this framework in place helps us cut to the chase and make the most out of our time. Which actually reduces stress because both of our expectations are clear and our respective roles bring us peace.
One last thing… when I read your post, my gut said that you didn’t really want to abandon the D/s relationship, but that maybe (just maybe) you said that to express the depth of your frustration??? If this is something that you both want to work towards, then take a deep breath and recommit to it. If you have never done a formal acceptance, this seems like a fantastic time for one.
Hugs!!!
Staci -
Thank you. These are all helpful suggestions. Yes, he is a member at husdom and has read a large number of the posts there. I encouraged him today to check out the forums and chat and consider asking for advice. He is full of knowledge (as much as one can be this new to it all), but I guess is lacking confidence, as well as how to pick it back up.
When I was writing the journal entry to him today, I thought long and hard about whether or not I was saying it as a way to manipulate him into stepping up his game. I was prone to doing that in our vanilla relationship and did not want to revert back to that tactic. But I really do feel like given the choice between staying in this state of waiting, and constantly feeling let down and disappointed by him, that I’d rather give it up. I don’t want to set an expectation of dominance if he truly can’t meet it. I don’t mind bumps in the road, mistakes, figuring things out. But I don’t have any interest a huge rollercoaster ride of a relationship. I feel like that would, over all, be detrimental to our marriage.
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Hey subMrsMoore!
I don’t have much more to add that hasn’t already been said…just be patient and work on and show him your submission. Actions always speak louder than words, especially when it comes to building your dynamic and foundations!
Being on husDom is going to be a great resource for him. They not only have the same typing chat rooms but Dom only video chats as well, like we do.
Smooches,
Veruca
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Hi SubMrsMoore! I just want to add in my two cents and basically echo what has been said. I can honestly say there are many of us that felt the same way in the beginning of diving into D|s-M. At first we all hit the ground running and are in complete sub-frenzy. We jump in head first with so much excitement and with expectations of how we think this is going to go. Basically we begin a marathon as though it is a sprint. It is very common that the subMrs are often many steps ahead of their husDom. This is where we have to be very PATIENT. Many of us do not get it right the first or second time and had to adjust speed or the course. There are several articles on this site about the phases of D|s-M you can expect as well about building a proper foundation. If the foundation is not solid you will find that you will need to take a few steps back. And that is okay. In fact, this journey is trial and error until you and your Sir figure out the rhythm that works for you. Formal Acceptance is included in the setting up your foundation. Start small with maybe 1-2 rituals and then, if it works for you and your Sir as some rules or keep building on your rituals. This takes works from both of you. It is a continuous cycle of you feeding him your submission and in return he is feeding you his dominance. The first ritual I highly recommend is Downtime. This is a wonderful ritual that when done correctly can be very powerful.
Please join us in chat! We can share so much and learn from each other!
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