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How do I repair my D/s relationship?
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here.
My partner and I have been together for over two years. We’re very much in love.
Something that excited us both when we met was that we were both into kink. In the first 6 months of our relationship, he bought me a collar. Actually two. Soon after I made a mistake that deeply betrayed his trust in my full submission. I can’t even remember the full details now, but it was around me not honouring his requests. Essentially, our D/s relationship was ruined before it had hardly begun.
I was a much younger and naive version of myself than I am now, and I have grown a huge amount. Now we both want to repair this and create our D/s relationship again, but he still has hesitancy and I need to step up and take action to fix things. I have been quite lost as to how…
The first year and a half of our relationship was very tumultuous at times, and we struggled a lot, questioning our partnership. We have moved through what seems like a mountain, and we are now very committed and in love.
So, my question is, how do I fix this? What can I do to offer my love, commitment, and service, and ask for him to forgive and trust me? He says he can think of several things I could do, but I can’t seem to find what feels like the right thing, and I’m afraid it won’t be enough. He won’t tell me what his thoughts are, but I wouldn’t have him as I want it to come from my heart.
I would love to have your feedback and ideas.
Much Love,
Makaila
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2 Replies
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Hello Makaila
It’s good to see you here. My Sir and I had a rough start to our marriage early on and another bumpy ride into our D/s-marriage. The best thing we did was to make a decision to start over every time we had to. We realized that the foundations of our dynamic as well as our love was still there after an upheaval and all we needed to do was forget the past and begin again. We have done this many times and I can say now from experience that the only things we needed were the desire to keep our dynamic and our love intact and the decision to do so no matter what amount of effort we had to apply. This boils down to attitudes. And those we always have the power to change.
As far as what I did to make myself worthy to be the best submissive I could be for my Sir – I simply acted the way He wanted me to act, be the sub He wanted me to be. And I know what my Sir wants because we have a Formal Agreement or Contract which we renew weekly. By renew I mean we have a Downtime scheduled every week when we review the Rules and discuss an issue or issues that either of us have at the time, changes/adds/subtracts to the list of rules He wants His submissive to follow, fix anything that needs fixing. If there is nothing to discuss we still have the downtime and read over the rules.
My Sir has His own ideas about how He wants His household and business to be run and how He wants His submissive to behave. My objective is to be the best submissive I can be for Him so I try very hard to follow his directives. Over time He has relaxed into His role as Dominant and I did the same as His sub. There is a lot written here on the site on ways to get into the submissive mindset and I read them and bring them to my Sir’s attention when I see something that would enhance our dynamic. Kneeling is one way we have found to be very helpful for both of us (I kneel of course, He doesn’t).
We evolved into this dynamic over time. I wanted it all in the beginning but learned it is a process of growth that happens over time. I wish you the very best on your journey and much success with your dynamic.
warmly
elskling -
Hi Makailakitten,
You’ve made the first step by getting back on subMrs! Hopefully, your Sir is on husDom as well. I’m not sure I’m understanding everything you said though. You mentioned that your D/s was ruined because you didn’t honor his request and weren’t fully submissive. At only 6 months into a D/s lifestyle that isn’t uncommon. A lot of submissive struggle as with anything new, it takes time. I stumble often but my Sir is there to bring me back and refocus me. That is part of his role as a Dominant. This lifestyle needs both people committed to their roles. If your D/s is ruined because of a couple mistakes then perhaps starting with the foundations that LK has described is best. One of those is communication. As a submissive, I need clear expectations. One of the greatest things about this lifestyle is that there are no guessing games. My Sir tells me exactly what he wants. That is how rules, protocols and rituals are developed. My Sir want a me to succeed because he knows how important this is to me. If he refused to tell me what he expected of me, that would just be setting me up for failure. Imagine going to a restaurant and expecting the waitress to guess what you wanted to eat and then if she brought you the wrong thing, you’d walk out. That being said, when we first started, my Sir didn’t really know what he needed/wanted so I just started doing things that I knew would make his life easier. When we did start looking at specific rules, he commented that I was already doing a lot if the things that were important to encouraging his Dominance. If your Sir won’t tell you what he wants then perhaps starting there might help. Good luck and I would also encourage you to hop on chat whenever you get a chance.
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