How did you start your D/s relationship?

[little-sotto]

Hey KittyCat.. First let me say welcome to D/s. It is a very beautiful thing.

My Sir and I are only two months into our 24/7 D/s-M. The first two weeks we jumped into the deep end. It turned out to be too much. So we stepped back and started a little more simply. I too was unsure about letting go of control. For 6 years I was mostly the one in control in my house and then we started and I wanted nothing more then to give Sir everything. We started by discussing what each of us would or wouldn’t do also known as hard and soft limits. We talked about what we wanted to accomplish. The second week we had like 10 rules. Lol. It turned out to be too much. So we went with two basic rules 1) my tone.. I must be speak respectfully at all times. The way I use to speak to my husband before he became my Dom was one thing that bothered him the most so it made sense to make it a rule. 2) my phone… It goes in do not disturb mode from 8p-4a and I cannot look at unless Sir is having a cigarette once it’s on do not disturb. This is another thing that bother him before he was my Dom. The other thing we discussed was protocols.. High, med, low.. What they were to us and how I was to behave in those cases. High protocol for us is playtime. I do not speak unless spoken too. Medium protocol is 90% of the time. I am free to speak but it must be respectful. Low protocol is when we are with vanilla company and I can speak more openly and my tone can be whatever I want BUT my tone towards Sir is still respectful. Other then those things the rest we have just been playing by ear.

My best advice is talk, talk and talk some more. From the first day Sir had me keep a journal that he could read. Write down your fantasies. What you want this lifestyle to be to you. What you want it to become and make goals. If your Sir isn’t reading Mr.Fox’s blog (husDom.com) I strongly recommend him checking it out. My Sir has gotten a lot of helpful stuff from there. There is no right or wrong way to do this lifestyle. Each of us making it work for ourselves.

All of us subbie sisters are here to help whenever you need it. So feel free to message me if you want. HOWEVER Little Kaninchen and Little Trouble Roadrunner might have better answers then me. 🙂

I hope this helps and I am so glad you are taking this journey. It’s so beautiful and absolutely amazing! 🙂

[littledrakon]

I second what Sotto says!

Husband and I are shy of a year into being D/s, and at first, I totally jumped into the deep end with no floaties on. It was too much, for both Husband and myself. We dialed it back, and started incorporating things a little at a time. First up was my attitude and tone towards him, then me – How I presented myself and upkeep – no more letting the leg hairs get to Wookie status!

We started small with punishments, and Husband is a “punishment should fit the crime” kind of guy. Let’s say I stick my tongue out at him – I am likely to get a light pop on the chin, or if my tongue is already back in my mouth, I’ll get popped on the mouth. Now that we do rregular inspections (every week, when I shave), I am punished if I don’t shave to his liking – hairs get plucked out with tweezers (lemme tell you, I’m going to be shaving until the water runs cold from now on!).

Whatever you and your Sir decide to do, then that’s what works for you. Don’t compare your D/s to anyone else’s; that might end up in disappointment.

As far as getting into the submisive mindset, it kind of fell into place for me. I have my days, but I feel that I’m a better person for it. The mindset comes from (for me) tasks that I am to have done. Having ‘homework’ (tasks to do) really helps a lot. After a while, it’s second nature – with a few bumps here and there!

Do what feels natural for your D/s’s progression – don’t force your Sir to go any farther than where he’s at, although you may want to ask him for more when he’s ready, or tell him that you feel like you are ready for the next step. It may be his decision ultimately, but completely open conversation is key, and knowing where you are will help him in making decisions. Husband and I talk once a week about things, and then once a month we go into limits and anything new that one or both of us is wanting to try – our “business meetings”. Not much in the way of emotions are talked about. The weekly talks are mostly a time for me to have an open floor inletting him know how I feel, and how I am doing. If I need more discipline, or if I feel like I’m being figuratively strangled. At any time, I can ask for permission to speak freely, but it is up to Husband as to whether or not I will be allowed to do so.

Like Sotto said, we’re all here to support (sub-port) each other! If you ever have any questions, feel free to message anyone, or to hop onto chat.

By the way – nice meeting you!

[kittycat]

Dear Sottomesso and LittleDrakon

Thank you both for your replies and for sharing some of your experiences. It is very helpful to read that others have been new to this as well and to learn how you went about doing it.

I feel very impatient to try to do more than we are doing at the moment and I really want to just go ahead with a lot of things. At the same time, I feel it is necessary to take it slow. I know it will turn out badly if we jump in to quick, so we have to do it slow and take one thing at the time. Also, we both need time to adapt to these new roles.

Already I am starting to feel a change in my mind towards certain things. E.g. shaving my legs every day, making sure to put lotion on my body, looking for new and more sexy underwear to buy. I really want to look my best for my husband. (My Sir? We are not there yet with the names…) 😉

I am so looking forward to this journey and I hope it will turn out as we hope for.

[collette]

This is such an interesting thread. I’d love to know how others got started myself, and why they did.

KittyCat asks: How did you get started?

Here is a little of how we got started, which for me necessitates a bit of our history.
(I apologize in advance as I’m a motor-mouth and a half! Very, very verbose, I’m afraid!)

We started discussing the possibility of a formal D/s relationship about two and half years back after a few incidents happened in our marriage. The incidents led to me reading FSOG, becoming intrigued with the concepts and then searching for more BDSM and D/s related reading material. After discussing this over a period of a few months we started implementing small things piece by piece. We’re still working on the formality of it (I’d like a fairly HP setup and dh is still toying with the idea), but we’ve had a lot of fun exploring some of the kink.

For me I’ve found a large part of bringing my husband around to the concept (I guess that’s what I’ve done?) was spending time remembering what our relationship was like when we were dating and newly married. At first the idea of his being a Dominant didn’t sit well with him and he didn’t think he had it in him, until I reminded him of his more controlling and dominant side while dating. For us it was a journey back 17 years and writing down all of the crazy things he would do – and the guts it took for him to do them. He did them with ease back then. I guess that’s a pastor’s kid for you…

He was very domineering sexually (though he’d have probably shuddered at the term “domineering” because he is also a perfect gentleman). He was, and still is, an exhibitionist at heart and he generally took me along for the ride whether I felt comfortable with his public stunts or not. (This isn’t as negative as it may sound – I would have been able to stop more of his shenanigans if I’d been more inclined, but I suppose at the time I was simultaneously horrified and turned on by what he did. Of course he loved every bit of that. Generally he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, but I would never say no more than once either…) He was also very sexually expressive and liked to try anything/everything. Generally he always took the lead and I did as I was asked. He planned out what we would now call “scenes” and would think his way through almost everything we did. Very detail oriented. In so many ways he was “textbook” Dom (not that there really is such a thing, but I hope you know what I mean). At some point, about two years into our marriage, I took away his ability to do this and our relationship went completely vanilla.

Fast forward 12 or so years later and we both began to realize that things were not where we wanted them to be. After spending a lot of time talking and reflecting on our past and trying to figure out how the dynamic ever changed so dramatically we both found ourselves at a turning point with our current relationship. Neither of us were as fulfilled as we felt we could be, and I had become completely sexually dis-interested, which led to problems in lots of areas (though I didn’t see it at the time). Because of my disinterest his self-esteem took a plunge and it took a few years to realize what had gone wrong.

At some point he went on a hunting vacation with his brother and father for a week and when he came home he had an animal instinct that I’d not seen in over a decade! For the first time I really understood how much I liked it when he was very forceful and took control without asking – when he dominated me so completely. I spent at least a week reliving that experience and trying to sort it out in my mind because I was convinced that I shouldn’t have liked it as much as I did. But his actions lit a spark within me that I hadn’t felt since we were first married and I was desperately seeking to understand why, while simultaneously trying to fan the flame so it didn’t disappear again.

After that the FSOG books came out and I became intrigued with the drama surrounding them. Though I’m not a fiction reader I read them. After reading them the rest sort of became history. It was an important jumping off point. I finally had a way to state how certain things made me feel and what concepts turned me on. I had found a voice and a direction and I followed it.

After all the discussing and finally implementing small things over time my dh’s self esteem began to skyrocket. He found control in the bedroom and it bled over into the rest of his life. This has been a small but steady process and I’m so proud. Never again could I underestimate how much this role, which he naturally fit into but which I ultimately took away (though not consciously done), plays in his self esteem. For someone who works so hard to provide for his family and the life he wants us to have I realized just how willing I was to crawl on hands and knees for him (literally! LOL). It seems like such a small thing to ask for after everything else he’s done for me and for our children. And it leaves me filling fulfilled to boot. This dynamic is a win-win for us both.

KittyCat, you ask:
How much did you do in the beginning?

We incorporated kink first, which for us was kind of going back to the beginning. Allowing kink back in was my first step in handing control back to where it belonged – to him. I allowed him to do and try what he wanted, including reintroducing anal, which I had pretty much forbidden at some point. This was a big step for me and I think he knew it. We also began to include bondage and blindfolds, which took so much trust on my part due to my background growing up. But I realized at this point just how much I trusted him implicitly and I even encouraged him to try.

Side note: Giving him this much seemed to naturally bring back out his exhibitionism streak. The first time he tied me up he did it in partial view of a window so that anyone who walked up to our door could see me naked and bound from the waist up… He also left one of the main windows in our living room cracked open so that the neighbors could hear. Sheesh. I didn’t realize this till it was over because I was blindfolded! I was honestly horrified when I realized it because our neighbors were outside smoking next to that window and I had been louder than I think I ever had been up to that point. (We lived in a duplex, so our windows were very close.) The anger faded when I saw his pride and satisfaction – something I’d not seen in years. His ego had returned – and that is what I was hoping for! He had a smug smile and seemed so proud of his handiwork and of having shared it with the neighbors. The lady next door couldn’t look him in the eye for a few weeks… LOL Anyway – I thought it interesting that handing him just a few things (trust, control, and kink) would bring out some of his other hidden interests. It was a sign that maybe we were on the right track.

So I guess you could sum that up to mean that the first things we did was establish a power exchange? I gave him my absolute trust and allowed him to experiment in ways he hasn’t been allowed to do in over 12 years.

I gave him:
1. Trust
2. Control
3. Kink

And he took it from there.

When/how did you increase D/s elements in your relationships.

We are still doing this. We increase D/s elements as he is ready. We are still new to a lot of it and we are learning as we go. Dh seems afraid of having me try things he thinks might upset me (kneeling, service, or anything he thinks I might interpret as demeaning – but he seems to be getting over that finally!). This site has been a great help to us because it is geared towards established married/LT couples and my dh is, I suppose, a bit turned off by so many of the books being geared towards looking for a submissive when he already had a willing victim (I mean, partner). LOL So when I found this site it was music to his ears. Now he’s just got to find time to read. For now I save blog posts on Mr. Fox’s site for him to read when he gets home at night and we work through various books together and read BDSM geared novels for ideas and concepts. Baby steps.

Did anything go wrong?
So far very little has gone wrong. I’ve been pregnant the last 9 months so we haven’t branched out into intense bondage nor are we set up for suspension – which, in my mind, would be the areas where things could go wrong.

I have experienced Sub Drop once, recently. That. That was not fun. It took a day before I realized what had happened and why. Glad I understand it now. Dh was pretty worried about me and upset.

What went well?

So much has gone well. These last couple of years have been worth all of the talking and work! This past year specifically has been magical! Ever see stars from an orgasm? Or find yourself unable to speak coherently? Or begin screaming uncontrollably from what your man does? These are some of the things that have gone very right and this is where his self esteem took a much needed boost! Our entire dynamic began to change for the better and he feels like the man he should have always felt like while I’ve found myself where I should have been all along. Worshipping at his feet.

D/s isn’t just about sex (though that is apparently all I’m talking about… LOL). A large part of my interest is the psychological aspects of the control dynamic. I think a lot of this is affected by protocols set up in the relationship – and we are still working on that. It’s part of why I want a higher protocol setup. We still need time for that to develop though.

Was it easy to adapt to a submissive mindset?

Yes and no. I grew up in a very liberal family and was raised with the mindset to go to college, get a career and never, ever be dependent on a man. Then I married the pastor’s son right out of high school. I never went to college and I became a SAHM who home-schools. Yeah. Not what my family particularly wanted. LOL And the mindset I was raised with was hard to fight against, I guess. But a large part of me really wanted what I have now. I wanted to be at home, making a safe haven for my husband and serving his needs. (For a man that, to many, seems anything but Dominant in nature he got everything he wanted, including the homeschooling. As gentlemanly as he is he knows exactly how to get his way.) Regarding my innate submissive streak I found it telling that the first thing I tried to implement after I got married was a “martini and pipe” when he got home from work. That didn’t work at first because, as he was a pastor’s son, he neither drank nor smoked! LOL That’s changed now – but my point is that I was fighting two different trains of thought. My liberal “I should be horrified by my complete dependency on a man” and my now-obvious submissive nature, which was seemingly apparent from the beginning of our relationship. It is obvious that I wanted to serve him but I also fought that urge because I somehow felt I was being a traitor to woman-kind. Do I make any sense?

Now that I’ve spent all this time thinking about all the above I know how *I* truly feel about it. I’ve learned to separate what my family thinks I should think from what *I* actually think. I embrace my submissive nature because it makes me a hell of a lot happier than I would have been otherwise. I have 12 years of proof to look back on to remind myself and two years of bliss and contentment to show me why being a submissive makes me very happy. Now that I understand the “why and how” of that it is very easy for me to adapt a submissive mindset. Does that make sense? I’m definitely one of those people that has to truly understand something before I can embrace it. Now that I feel I fully understand it I can embrace it openly.

It sure feels good to write some of this down!

I hope that is helpful. 🙂

[june]

Collette-
Thank you for sharing your experience with us! It sounds like it is working very well for your dynamic and that you both have a good handle on what is right for the two of you. It also made me think about our D/s and I thought it might be good to jot down a few thoughts.

Mr. Ward and I have known each other since we were young teens and have been married just over 28 years. I think in many respects, the D/s was there all along – it just took us a long while to recognize it and embrace it. My Beloved told me He wished to Dominate me and that He wanted my submission. Before committing to Him as a submissive, I did the research and examined my heart fully so that I could make an informed decision. I realized there were many elements already in play between us, so it was an easy decision to make.

In place:
1. The trust and communication was already in place after so many years together.
2. I’m a natural submissive in every aspect of my personality.
3. My Sir is a natural Dominant in every aspect of His personality.
4. After reading up on kink, I realized our sex life wasn’t nearly as vanilla as I thought! lol
5. We have a rock solid foundation as a married couple. Not just because of the longevity, but because we have faced adversity and challenges at different times and we did it together.

Things that changed:
1. Power Exchange. Being concretely aware of a power exchange has subtly changed the dynamic between us. It’s more than the bedroom – it’s in our day to day life. This doesn’t mean Mr. Ward directs me how to make the green beans or that I no longer function as an independent or free thinking person. What it means, to me, is a deeper level of connectedness between us. He can sense when I’m distressed about something (and vice versa) and a look, a touch, a change in His voice can instantly calm and settle me. It is an incredible gift and more freeing than I could have imagined.
2. Rules. Our rules aren’t overly complicated and they serve two functions – one, they keep each of us grounded in our respective mindsets. Two, they serve as building blocks to help each of us grow as Dom and sub. Specifically, to help each of us grow to be the ideal Dom and sub for the other.
3. Play. I love how the power exchange and play work together to free our minds from the outside world. It’s just us. I’m focused on my Sir, letting everything but Him fall away. It does something similar for Him. He can let go of the outside world and concentrate on controlling me. It’s a fabulous way to tune in and tune out, if that makes sense 🙂

Things that have not changed:
1. We are still as openly playful and affectionate as ever – maybe more so. I don’t think twice about grabbing or playfully swatting His ass. We tease and cavort as much, or more, than ever.
2. Respect between us has always been and will always be a cornerstone of our relationship.

It’s an exciting time for us as a couple and I look forward to the continued growth between us 🙂
june

[collette]

Thanks for your reply, June. 🙂

I’ve been thinking over this more and more – I guess I’ve really been in the mindset these last few months. The events of the past week have really put this in focus for the both of us. I gave birth last Monday night (finally! Sheesh…). Unfortunately the epidural failed. I knew something was going to fail from the start and when the doctor botched his first attempt I began to panic. Eventually the whole thing gave out and I began to loose it emotionally – I was pretty scared because my previous births were pain free and smooth sailing. This one was anything but… But during my panic my dh began to take control in a way that he’s never done before. As I was crying that I couldn’t do it he took off his glasses, grabbed me by that hair and made me stare him in the eye while telling me exactly what I was going to do. He really got my attention and my focus and as long as he kept direct eye contact and a commanding tone my body and mind simply did exactly as he said.

That’s definitely an example with extreme circumstances, but we discussed it the next day. He was as scared as I was but he didn’t show it. He noticed the difference in my behavior when be brought his Dom side out. He said he was worried that the staff would toss him out for brutalizing me… Luckily they were all far too busy prepping the rest of the room to notice what he was doing. He actually missed the birth, poor guy. LOL But my point, I suppose, is that this led to more discussion on the power that a Dom wields. It surprised us both just how much control he really has when he wants it.

[june]

Congratulations on your new baby, Collette! Your epidural experience sounded pretty awful! I had some complications with our last baby and couldn’t have an epidural due to low platelet count and think flat out not having one is better than a botched attempt. Ugh. But the way your HusDom stepped up and took control of you sounds like an incredibly intense and special experience. Ironically, my Sir and I were discussing LK (I gave Him updates via Mr. Fox’s posts) and He asked if I thought her experience as a sub had contributed to her ability to handle the pain with surgery and I said absolutely. Your experience confirms what I suspected – that when we are in a stressful situation (be it emotional or physical) our Doms can help us regain control of ourselves and our training helps too. Thank you for sharing such an intimate and powerful experience. I’m guessing it’s brought a whole new level of closeness between you. Again, congratulations on the birth of your new little one. Get some rest (well, as much as you can with littles at home) and take care.
Hugs,
june

[quietly]

You guys are so fantastic for,sharing. Thank you so very much.

[cslim]

Great thread! I am very new to D/S, I have experienced some, (very little) play, with Vanillas in the past. Mr is the first true Dom I have experienced, we started out D/S sexually, right off the bat, AMAZING! <3 we have been together a short time, so our relationship is fledgling. We LOVE each other, We have what each other needs, and wants, and are willing to gift it to each other. I was hesitant about taking TTWD outside of the bedroom, as I think I was waiting for him to prove his ability to carry it, us, and me, outside of the bedroom. For now, I have chosen to submit to him in two expressions he has trusted me with. One; that he doesn’t want me going out and having fun without him, as it makes him feel jealous. Two; for this he didn’t say anything, it’s that way he was looking at a tunic I was wearing at our last parting, I will be dressing my usual modest/ conservative self when I am away from him, we see each other on weekends, as he is working on the island, a few hours away . Which is somewhat awful, as I only want to be around him every second of the day and night, but I think it is a good thing, as we are try new to each other, and this is forcing us to take it slow! <3

[mystral]

I really like reading all the stories about how everyone started with D/s. I’m still pretty new but I will try to give you my story as well. For that I will have to start at the beginning though..
Ever since I’ve been little I’ve always felt the urge to please the people around me I guess, which sometimes made me end up in trouble because not all people are nice. I’m a very quiet introvert person unless it comes to my friends or things that interest me which will turn me into a hyper excited blabbermouth :’3 Which some of you might have noticed in chat (I’m really sorry if I talk too much btw ^^; I try not to).
Anyway ever since I was little my dolls always ended up tied up by Ken :’3 and only later on after reading all kinds of novels and stuff I started exploring the more forbidden kind of books I guess..? My first relationship at 21 was kind of my first experience with everything, but I noticed that it was too tame for me. I did let him experiment with tying me up mind you but that only resulted in a disappointment because being tied up with someone’s jeans makes it waay too easy to get loose. So we ended breaking up eventually, not because of that but he just stopped contacting me and refused to answer his phone. Which made me really question myself on what I did wrong in his eyes, but it also made me think more of who I am and who I want to be :3 Years later I met my Alpha, who is still mad at my ex for how he treated me ^^;

How me and Alpha started
We met online (yes we’re in a long distance relationship with him living in Texas and me living in the Netherlands) he was home sick at the time, which made me really worried about him so I kept pestering him till he got all the food and drinks that he needed and a blanket to keep warm. We started talking about all kinds of stuff until he finally asked if I had ever RP’ed *blushes*. I hadn’t but I just thought he meant normal pg-13 RP, oh my was I wrong on that one *-*. Ahum, well um. We were texting for a while and kind of playing and then he wanted to call so we did.. Alpha has been very possessive (in a good way) from the start and also kind of dominant too, so when I admitted to having done light bondage before we kind of rolled into it I guess :3

How much we did in the beginning
Because we have a long distance relationship everything we do is through Skype. The first thing he did was obviously make me call him, which was kind of an experience in itself to finally be able to hear your Sir’s voice for the first time. After that we exchanged photo’s to at least know which face went with the voice :3 Then it sometimes progressed to webcam :3 for some reason that sounds really dirty though :’3 but then again I don’t get to touch my Alpha! Well.. except for that one week last August *-*

When/how did you increase D/s elements in your relationships.
I think when I mentioned that I would really like to try it is when things heated up. I mean Alpha has always been on top in a manner of speaking. He’s pretty dominant to begin with but when I mentioned that we started doing more stuff. I think it is kind of difficult to explain because it is through skype but.. we have a lot of playtime where we speak out almost every action we do. And once I told him I wanted to be more submissive to him he brought out the cuffs and made me pick a safe word because he didn’t want to stop if I just simple said no. But if I become too scared, upset, didn’t like what he was doing I could still stop the playtime. I also filled out a list of soft and hard limits to help him understand more where I’m at with things I’ve done, what I like and which boundaries need to be avoided due to trauma and which ones I don’t really enjoy but which he can push when we’re further into the whole D/s. We also have several rules in place to keep me healthy because I get distracted when it comes to food or sleeping and also for discussing issues.

Did anything go wrong? What went well?
*cringes* I have one huge issue and that is that I’m stubborn as all hell, I don’t like admitting I can’t do something so for me using a safe word was kind of like admitting defeat. Sadly it has been a couple of times were I’ve gone into complete panic and hyperventilation because I couldn’t do something. It is a horrible experience because not only will it hurt yourself but also your sir and can damage the trust between a dom and sub too. Through trial and error we’ve both learned that some things are better taken slow. And Alpa has become really good with easing my worries and slowly introducing me to new stuff. In return I’ve become better at voicing my issues.

Was it easy to adapt to a submissive mindset?
Most of the time yes, because the moment Alpha uses his Dom voice it instantly flicks my switch into submode. But sometimes when I’m busy or exhausted it is a harder thing to do. Lately I’ve asked my Alpha for tasks so that have more feeling that he’s in charge and it really helps me focus more. Sometimes I do like to provoke him because I want to trigger his Alpha side, but the moment he does I have the ‘meep…’ response and will have to back off 😀

I still want to be more submissive for him though, and do my best in learning more and practicing more.
I think that’s the hardest part about a skype relationship that you can’t really practice what the dynamic between the both of you should be. So far I’ve felt happiest when I can sit in his lap and just feel safe because that’s what I’ve done with him in real life too :3