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Holy lightbulb moment lol
I had recently posted where I felt like things weren’t going like they should, how I was trying to be submissive and change myself but felt like my husband wasnt holding holding up his end of the deal, we weren’t having much sex, blah blah blah.
Well, between yesterday and today i figured out that it wasnt that he wasnt holding up his end of the bargain but he gets embarrassed and is nervous just like me!
Now I know things are still on track, we both just have to work through our insecurities and get over the embarrassment of letting the other know what we truly desire.
I am one happy and lucky subbie!! -
11 Replies
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It is new to both of you. It takes getting used to for both of you. It takes practice to get into and stay in the right mindset for both of you. It takes feeding the other for both of you. Key for everything is “both of you”. Oh do I know how easy it is to forget. I stumble on this ALL the time. But stumbles just mean its time to refocus, brush yourself off, and start again. I am so glad you are realizing that you are both learning and to communicate with each other. I understand how hard it is to get past the nervousness. In person, direct conversation is best but I know it is not always easy. I still default to text for some things or some times. You will both find your footing.
I am so happy you had this lightbulb moment!!!
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That is very true, ThatGirl! Our Sirs are also working to break down walls and become vulnerable. As we work on our submission, they are growing into our Dominant. A tip for early scenes is utilizing a blindfold. For one it is really erotic for you. But, it is also great for the Dom/Domme because we have no idea if they are freaking out and fumbling around. They can practice without us even realizing it! Continue to be patient and utilize your Downtime to communicate and share!
~subMarie
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Yes to the blindfold!!!! My sir loves it because i cant see him fumble but it’s awesome for me too. Adds to the suspense.
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I recently requested a blindfold scene, for me but also for him. I noticed he was much more confident when my back was to him yesterday. Today when facing him I could sort of see his internal struggle with debating on what to do. So I guided his hand to my throat, he easily got the point and no words were needed and he then had no hesitation because he knew that I was ok with it, wanted it, and he didnt have to guess or worry about being told no. I think it is easier on him when I show him something is OK rather than him “guessing”, this way he doesnt have to worry about rejection or me freaking out. This way there is no guess work for him. Only problem is i get embarrassed easily. So i have been journaling lately and expressing what i want, but when it comes time he still second guesses so i have to guide him, which means i have to vocalize, which is hard for me. I have to be willing to change though if i am asking him to change. Right now I am working on me and my mindset, while still gently guiding him, I think part of him still gets surprised when i ask him what i can do to make him happy. I want him to be happy and I’m trying so hard to do that nowadays instead of only thinking about myself. Part of me feels guilty with guiding him though, like today with placing his hand on my throat, isnt that considered topping from the bottom?
Love you all bunches, sorry for the novel -
Thatgirl
You are doing an amazing job helping your Sir find his footing!! As long as it is done respectfully then no you aren’t tipping from the bottom. Once he gets his Dom legs you will see him take over and you won’t have to guide because he will know what you like.
Have you guys done a limits list yet? That would help you both know where limits are and get conversations going.
I hope that helps, chat laterI.am.His
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Sure, now I find the reply button after I went and posted beneath your comment lol. Sorry, still learning
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I guess we haven’t formally done a limit list but we have been together 14 years so we kind of already know what each others limits are, and if we arent sure we ask eachother. Like when we first got together anal was completely off the table but he has respectfully and sweetly brought up trying it with no expectations attached. If it becomes to much for me all I have to do is say so and he stops, no pressure to continue. We recently picked up a beginers butt plug, my idea lol.
I guess neither of us have bedroom limits because we respect eachother enough that when we try something new or bring up something new that if the other says no then it’s no and nothing is held against them. Do you think that’s a bad set up? Should we write it down? I wouldnt even know what to write because honestly I dont know what my limits are (except bathroom play and that’s a hard limit for both of us) to even write anything down, at least not until we try more stuff. -
Hi TG, Things sound so exciting for you! I think being in the position of ‘guiding’ my Dom was probably the most difficult place for me to be in. For years it seemed like I had to initiate and guide and truth is I didn’t feel any different in my place as an obedient and devoted submissive from when I was a controlling bitch. It was a kind of an oxymoronic situation. Topping from the bottom is not where I am comfortable And I know He resented it. I don’t think either of us was prepared for this so there was a lot of trial and error. In a perfect world I would have joined this site and He’d have joined HusDom and all would be jolly but nothing like this existed when we began.
My level of submission is pretty much where it needs to be now and His level of Dominance is right up there now also but it’s a growing process and at times there were huge hurdles to overcome. I just know that the longer and harder we worked on it the better it got.
I began a submissive journal a few weeks ago for the first time and it’s the best place to really write down everything in my mind and heart. My Sir has free access to it and it’s a great way for me to show my feelings and desires I may not be able to verbalize to Him. It’s such a terrific outlet for all the things swirling in my head and a great communication platform for we shy types.
And ps: I have no idea what my limits are either.
hugs
elskling -
I am SO glad for this post!! I hate the feeling of having to guide Sir, somehow it feels wrong. Giving him journal posts to read after we do things, so that he has a clear idea of how I feel about things, is fine. It just feels like good comunication. Giving him “stories” that are based off of other things I’ve read about and would like to try, feels fine too, it’s a definite helping thing. It’s the telling him what I think we should do that feels sticky, feeling the need to tell him, and find ways to explain why, he doesn’t need to ASK and shouldn’t; that permission has already been given, he already has my agreement for anything he wants to do. That being said, I realize that at 65 he’s got a LOT of vanilla learning to undo. Also, I’m quite impatient, it’s very difficult to continually remind myself to be patient and that my impatience is what’s “wrong” and disrespectful, unless it’s just a “Please fuck me!” impatience, because he just laughs at that and teases me. It’s so great to know I’m … we’re not alone.
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If you really want to explore what your limits are there are lots of lists on the internet. Search for BDSM limits lists or something like that. However, I will warn you that there will be lots of stuff on those lists that are not things you would ever consider. As my Sir always says, take what you want and spit out the bones. Having said that, we have not ever done a list like that. We had been married over 30 years when we started down this path, however, it still took a lot of trust, honesty, courage and conversations to get to where we are now. Do not assume your partner knows what you want because you have been together a long time and don’t assume you know what your partner wants either. Downtime is the perfect time to discuss sexual likes and dislikes. There are some things that you simply won’t know if you like or not if you don’t ever try and maybe more than once.
And patience is a struggle for all us subbies!
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I really like BDSM “limits” lists when they’re used for exploration… I think it was Sunny Megatron who had this whole “yes/no/maybe” speech she’d give about using lists as a way to open conversations.
Internet lists can be overwhelming (because they reflect years worth of kink from across the internet and holy heck that’s a lot of kink!) but they can also be a lot of fun if you look at the list as a ‘yes I want to explore’/’no I don’t want to explore’/’maybe I want to explore’ choose your own adventure game! I mean, there are some REALLY creative people out there when it comes to kink, and reading a list can be an adventure all on it’s own. Lol
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