-
Finding Ourselves – A journey in progress
Strider and I met our first year in college, both fresh from being hurt in our first relationships. When we talked about it a few days ago, he told me that he felt protective of me from the first time he saw me. It was a passionate, overwhelming, all-consuming love that is hard for others to understand, especially college freshman. It was hard for me to admit that I needed and craved him as much as he felt for me. It isn’t everyday that the love of your life is #2. We were both virgins, but he was into some “interesting” things (BDSM). I felt that I needed to keep him happy and went along with it. However, I made sure he knew it was “his thing.”
Just to clarify, I have never been physically hurt or felt anything but seduction and erotic pain. We don’t do discipline outside of playtime (sex) and Strider does not insist on being called Sir. I am intelligent, responsible, and independent and he loves that about me. He says it’s hot to have that kind of woman submit to him rather than having a “doormat.” I have learned so much about D/s and realize that there is so much variety, so NO offense at all toward those who are 24/7. There are many beautiful relationships out there.
We continued our education, married and had a kiddo. I continued to engage in “his thing” whenever he asked. As time went on, I began to enjoy “his thing” and his alpha attitude in bed. However, I was unable to accept that (admit that to myself) or tell him. Would he think I was silly and laugh in my face? What about this idea of pain and kinky sex? Isn’t it wrong for someone to like that stuff? Isn’t it abuse that has no place in marriage? Also, isn’t this exactly what a woman like me (a professional, intellectual, liberal feminist) was against? These questions plagued me for years. I spent years being physically dominated but disconnecting myself from accepting it mentally and emotionally as something I liked because I felt guilty. He would say many times that he felt that I was physically present but not really there. I knew he was unhappy and it broke my heart. Why was I doing all that stuff in the first place and why wasn’t he happy despite my efforts?
After over a decade, I thought maybe I wasn’t giving him everything he wanted in bed, so I found a BDSM checklist and filled it out for him. I didn’t even know what the initials stood for, so it took me a long time to figure out even what ½ the stuff was. You’re probably thinking how could this chic be so uneducated? See, I would never talk to him about it after we played. It was strictly his thing…he bought the stuff…he did whatever he wanted and then put it away. He asked me how new things felt and tried to get my input, but I never wanted any part of thinking/learning about it and developing new ideas, and I made that clear in no uncertain terms.
He seemed very surprised when he got the checklist and we began having a conversation. He spent a lot of time explaining what stuff was to me. He then asked me how I felt about all this. I was unable to tell him the truth – that I wanted to give myself to him in bed, that I wanted him to have all of me, that I wanted to bewitch him body, mind and soul, that I wanted to be and fulfill his every sexual fantasy. Finally, after lots of talk, I admitted that I did like what we did in bed. It was a BIG moment for me — my stomach was in knots and I was so scared what he was going to say. I was shocked when I found that he was so happy and relieved. Then, he asked me the hardest question – WHY? Why did I like it? And that was a VERY difficult thing for me to admit. For me, the biggest high was knowing that I was pleasing him. It was then that I found this website, and it really helped me accept who I was and what I wanted. I got the courage to admit to him that I wanted to be His – body, mind and soul. What followed was one of the most amazing moments of my life. “I want you to Dominate me” I breathed, worried what he would say. “I want you to Submit to me,” he replied. We were both lost for a moment I think, but I felt a sense of freedom as thought a large burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
I saw my husband, who was a very quiet guy bloom to life after that. He was happier, honest and more assertive. I directed him to the guy’s site, and my guy who was always anti-‘social-media’ took to it like a fish to water. He told me that he felt at home there – that he could just be himself with no judgment.
We also discovered 24/7 and began discussing that. While it is not for us right now, it did get us talking about how we communicate and interact. He brought up that he felt he wasn’t being heard sometimes. We are best friends and we talk a LOT. No brattyness, no disrespect from either side, very rarely a disagreement or fighting. So, that statement surprised me. I asked what he meant and he said I shot down his ideas without hearing them out and that he felt he could never be right. This was shocking to me – a guy with multiple professional degrees (yes, I have my own too) felt he couldn’t talk honestly to me??? I got an idea about downtime and brought it to him, but he refused. He said if you were naked and your head is on my thigh, we’re NOT going to talk (mind will be on other fun, distracting things). After discussing it, we decided that downtime in a non-sexual environment would work. We did decide to be more honest, open and vulnerable with each other. I have promised to listen to his ideas and he has promised to edit and tailor them before putting them out there. I was a “don’t touch me outside the bedroom” kinda gal due to family and society – not even hand holding or his hand on the small of my back. I also finally admitted that I liked to feel his touch outside the bedroom, that it reassured me and made me feel happy. He said he will gladly oblige.
This whole experience has been a big breakthrough for us. I find an indescribable happiness that I am able to accept my husband for the amazing Dom he is and admit to Him/myself that I am indeed His Sub. It is amazing to really be vulnerable and give yourself fully and purely to someone, without reservation or fear and accept that person in the same way. I encourage each of you to be honest with yourselves. This journey is different for each couple, but I hope that each of you come to find the happiness we have. I Love You My Strider and I look forward to continuing this journey with you.
Yours Always, Arwen
-
8 Replies
-
Very nice Arwen! D/s has many advantages than a vanilla relationship and its not just the sexy kink. It’s the honest open communication knowing that you can truly say things you held back for many years. It’s the trust and the respect in the relationship not matter if it’s just in the bedroom or 24/7…it freedom with no bounds. In D/s the fundamentals are the same for all but the dynamics are different for everyone and that’s what makes it wonderful. To learn and grow together in a direction that fits you. I wish you and your Sir all the best in Love, happiness and in your journey.
Lt♥
-
Arwen,
Although I was the one who initiated D/s in our relationship, I am a lot like you in many ways – an independent, strong-willed, professional woman who, in every other aspect of life, is in control of and responsible for a great number of important things, but who loves surrendering control to her Dom (in my case 24/7).
When I read your post – I could hear the inner struggle you were having – the one side that says “as a woman, I am taught to rely on no man, I am equal, I am worthy, I will not be diminished, I am woman, hear me roar!” (lol!) – and then the other side, where you find yourself loving letting go of that control, and truly feeling your husband take it. Where you love feeling him lead you. Feeling your respect and love for him grow as his control does.
Mitigating that conundrum can be difficult, but here is the beauty in submission. There is so much strength in it. I am a feminist as well. I believe in equal pay for equal work, however, I do not believe that men and women should be the SAME – because we’re not! Where’s the fun in that? We should be celebrated for the qualities we inherently possess as women, and we should build our husdoms up for the qualities the inherently possess as men – but I digress…
Here’s why submission makes you strong – when we as feminists can know all our strengths, all of the power that we possess, and still look to our husbands and say “Here is my educated opinion on that matter, however I will defer to your best judgement” – we are showing the most strength ever by casting aside our fears, our need to manage everything, our need to control every situation and allowing him to make some of those decisions for us. We are showing strength by putting our trust in our husdoms that they have considered our opinions and will do what is best for our families. There is more strength in surrender than control. Granted, the example presented is more of a 24/7 scenario, but valid nonetheless.
My point is that it is fully possible to be both, a strong feminist who kicks ass in a board room during the day, and gets her ass spanked by her Dom during the night – You’re not a walking contradiction – There’s lots of us out there… so – Nice to meet you!
– Neon Bunny
-
Ditto to NeonBunny’s comment. It works and it works well to be both. It’s actually a relief when I walk in the door to drop the shoulders and let that side of me go rest in the corner.
Annie B
-
Thanks for sharing this Arwen. I’m another Feminist here too with 2 degrees and while it took me a little while to reconcile everything and now I can see that being a sub isn’t at all anti-feminist – in fact the emphasis on consensual exchange means it’s anything but that. I did struggle a lot in the beginning but I recently went on a temp job, the first time I had worked since we started D/s, and it helped to put things in perspective for me. It was enough to give me that sense of agency and authority over some spheres in my life and coming home I was so happy to kneel and have Sir put his collar on me. It was a big turning point that helped me to relax.
LadyBird
-
Thank you for your post, Arwen. I really relate to your story in many ways but you’ve written it out so well. I struggle with that.
Thank you to all the ladies on their perspective of reconciling feminism with D/s – I’ve struggled a lot with that internally and it’s nice to see that this site has support.
My point is that it is fully possible to be both, a strong feminist who kicks ass in a board room during the day, and gets her ass spanked by her Dom during the night – You’re not a walking contradiction – There’s lots of us out there…
I loved this. Thank you, Neon Bunny!
-
Thank you so much for your feedback. I love hearing your thoughts and encouraging words! I wrote this just so others like me wouldn’t feel alone and like they were some kind of broken freak. (as I did) 🙂
-
THANK YOU for your story!
-
This such an awesome thread…. It’s nice to realize so many of us have had the same inner battles, as a Mom of girls I feel that leading by example is important, but suppressing my desires isn’t a great example other… Don’t get me wrong our kids don’t know about ‘ttwd’, but they notice Mommy is wearing make up and trying to be pretty for Daddy more…
Log in to reply.