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finding freedom
When I was young, just around my 9th birthday, I was molested. The details and memories of the occasion are quite sketchy, but, I know, without a doubt when and where it happened, despite my ego’s attempt to erase the event from my memory. As I matured and experienced relationships, I began to have terrible flashbacks and nightmares regarding the incident, that is where I have found most of my answers.
Over the years, I have uncovered that I was in a basement, bent over an ironing board and abused from behind. I remember soon after the incident having sexual dreams and fantasies and hiding in my closet to try and recreate some of the sensations my body now dreamed of and craved.
I was lucky, in such that my molestation was a one-time thing. I was able to avoid being in that situation again. I also remember, not long afterward, the friend who’s home I was visiting, moved away. My heart cries for what she likely had to endure far beyond my experience.
There are triggers which I have learned to avoid, such as my lover having the smell of Merlot on their breath. There are others that I was able, with trust and love of a partner, to work through, such as having my ass touched/grabbed and having a lover be behind me while we are intimate.
As I have explored my relationship with my Tiger, there are triggers I hadn’t even realized existed. The most shocking observation I have made in the last number of months was regarding climax. Somewhere, deep in my memory, there is shame and guilt from physically enjoying what occurred during the molestation. As I began to have sexual relationships, despite enjoying the activities, any time an intense orgasm would build up, I would find some way to shut it down. The feeling triggers the shame I experienced during the molestation. It is not a conscious thought process, but I can see numerous occasions in the past 31 years where I would stop or change whatever was happening while being intimate to avoid that feeling. In fact, I was never able to bring myself to a climax when masturbating either. I was unable to take myself beyond that point where shame and fear would rear their head.
my Tiger has been one to trigger me more than anyone else as we are much more experimental in play than any other partners. Our relationship has progressed to a Dom/sub relationship, and thus I am put in a situation where I must address, discuss, and understand things I have run from for so long. One thing that has confused him from the start is where my orgasms begin and end and that they seem to roll together. The truth is, as much as I have enjoyed my sexuality, I am not sure I had an actual orgasm until I was in a situation where the only way to stop play was to safe word or be triggered by my past. A situation where I was essentially forced to orgasm.
That experience has been freeing! For the first time in my life (on more than one occasion), I have been able to masturbate to climax. My enjoyment of intimacy with both my husband and my Tiger has increased as I try to relax through the moment instead of being wracked with shame, guilt, and fear. It is not something I am always in control of, but when I can allow myself to feel, it is amazing.
my Tiger has been able to free me when I didn’t even realize I was shackled. There is still much learning and experiencing and accepting to be done along with experimentation, however, being free to feel things completely has been quite a gift.
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