Feelings of Failure

[Unknown Member]

Hello Natasha,The feelings you feel about failing your Sir is normal for us all and it if you didn’t feel that way it tells me you wasn’t devoted to your Sir. How I handle the situation is I take my punishment with submissive pride and I thank my Sir after and tell Sir that I will try my best at completing the task Sir has given me. I then write my feelings in my journal so that my Sir can read how bad I feel when I disappoint him and what I’m going to try and do so it doesn’t happen again. I also have a list I make what I need to do that week or day. I put all the important things first and complete those first that way Sir see’s what I have accomplished. What I didn’t complete I will start my next day with until the list is complete. After awhile it becomes routine and if something comes up that I can’t accomplish a task I will explain the issue to Sir. I do recover quickly now because I don’t dwell on the negative, I take what I learn’t from my mistake and make it into a positive motivation to find away to complete what needs to be done without hindering myself or disappointing my Sir. If you journal everything it lets you have a place to go back and see how much you have changed in yourself and what you still need to work on. It also lets your Sir see how much effort and how important it is to you to make him feel proud of you. Making mistakes are normal, were human so they are going to happen and when they do use it as a learning tool and turn it into a positive motivation on your part. Your Sir will see how much it means to you on being the best submissive you can be.

[hersubject]

Something I’ve found to be of great help is remembering that whatever I’ve managed to get wrong or fail at, once I’ve been punished it’s over. The guilt is expiated and only the memory remains. I think it’s important to remember that I failed, and that it upset my Queen and myself so that I try harder to remember/succeed at my task, but I try very hard not to take the bad feelings beyond punishment and my Queen helps me with that, reminding me that I have a blank slate again.

HerSubject

[Unknown Member]

I have difficulty completing my household chores because I procrastinate (with his help I’m improving). I had a bad habit of perpetually berating and belittling myself for not doing better. I asked for consequences to motivate me. Punishment is now his to mete out. He chooses the severity and duration. When it’s over the slate has been cleaned for both of us. As HerSubject said “The guilt is expiated and only the memory remains.”

Before all of my punishments we talk about why I broke a rule or failed to complete a task. And what I can do in the future to do better and how he may be able to help me. After my punishment he comforts me, reassures me and helps me get back to a positive state of mind.

I have a specific personal story to share and I’ll write a follow up reply as soon as I get permission to post it.

[Unknown Member]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. My Sir has also said many of these things, but sometimes you need to hear the words from someone who can really understand the situation. I have to try not to turn into a basket case and realize that I made a mistake and we start anew after punishment has been doled out.

As always, you all are wonderful. I feel much better.

[Unknown Member]

Got permission from my Sir but took me a while to write this. Here you go.

I regularly deal with fatigue and getting enough rest is very important for my health. We have found it beneficial for me to have an hour or two before bed to physically and mentally calm and relax myself. It’s best for me to stay off blogs, forums, and social sites, and just focus on winding down, so I have an internet curfew. Not long ago I broke it. I had already been struggling with it because I’d found some new sites that really fascinated me. I had an alarm set so I could not miss the time and go over. This time I dismissed my alarm when it went off and thought one more minute won’t hurt. That “one” minute turned into thirty.

My husband doesn’t police me. Because my rules are for my benefit I am very good to confess and accept my punishment. He was upset to hear that I blatantly ignored my alarm and chose to go over my curfew. I hate disappointing him. He made his displeasure really sink in when he removed my day collar and said “Only my good girl gets to wear my collar.” That hurt more than the painful spanking he gave me. He usually spanks me to tears and a little bit more to make sure I feel truly remorseful. And after the punishment is done I cry for a few minutes while he holds and cuddles me on our bed and then through his comfort I’m able to compose myself and let go of my guilt. This time I was crying even before the spanking started. All I felt was shame; in breaking my rule I’d been disrespectful of him, of myself, and neglectful of my health. As he was comforting me afterward he quickly realized that I wasn’t forgiving myself and letting go. I was berating myself for being such a horrible person (an old and nasty habit). He’s not a mind reader, but he knows well how my mind works.

He asked me “Are you my good girl?” and my tears turned to sobs. I just knew I wasn’t. He asked me more gently, “Do you want to be my good girl?” Crying, I replied “I don’t know if I can be.” He then asked “What do good girls do when they make a mistake?”, my reply: “Confess to their Sir.” “And what happens after good girls confess?” “They get punished.” Then he started over. “What did YOU do when you made a mistake?” “I confessed to you.” “And what happened to you after you confessed?” “I got punished.” I was still crying and it was obvious to him that I still didn’t feel like I could be his good girl. “Did you take your punishment?” quietly, “yes.” “Does that make you my good girl?” even more softly “yes.” Then he hugged me and said “I am so proud of you for confessing and doing what you need to do to make this right. You please me.” (That’s a phrase that he uses regularly in our relationship.) “Are you my good girl again?” still softly but in a better frame of mind I responded, “Yes, Sir, I’m your good girl.” “Do you want to wear my collar again?” “Yes, Sir. Please may I wear your collar again?” He had me kneel before him and wiped the tears the tears from my face. As he replace my collar he said, “You ARE my good girl,” and kissed me.

It was difficult to bring me back into the right headspace of feeling that my slate had been cleaned and I could strive again to do better. If I’d had to do it on my own I would have spent hours if not days feeling unworthy of him and unable to be good enough or do well enough. He knows I struggle with my self-worth. I am to try my best to keep my head out of dark, unhappy places. But if he sees me struggling emotionally he does what he can to help me. And I am always allowed to ask for his help and guidance.

[Unknown Member]

Beth. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I found it powerful, helpful, and deeply moving. I have read your post several times. It has helped me to understand how to begin to work on putting my punishment behind me and to move forward.

After one recent punishment I received, it was so incredibly difficult to get back from that I wasn’t sure I would be able to. I was for a misunderstanding I had over my collar. I remembered something one way, he the other. I have been working very hard and I think the fact that I disappointed my Sir and that I was disappointed in myself just caused me to meltdown.

My Sir says I beat myself up with my feelings of disappointment harder than he ever could punish me. When we first started 24/7, he wasn’t as good as he is now at helping me get to the right place. [He says I can write whatever I want, so long as it is true.]

Your post spoke to me so much, I have a feeling I may come back and read it again.

[Unknown Member]

Thank you all for sharing. reading Beth’s post made me cry. I know all too well the feeling of failure and i too have that nasty habit of berating myself. if my Dom believes i am enough and that after punishment my slate is clean i should have faith and believe it to be true as well. thank you so much. i now know that i am not alone and that feels really good.knowing that i now have people far more experienced than i to talk to, who can relate and understand and offer insight is just another wonderful new gift i have been given.

[Unknown Member]

Natasha & Cosita, I’m so happy that my post was helpful to you both. I think this is something that many of us deal with and I wish you both the best in learning to manage and change these feelings. I’m still working on this myself. I’m glad I could help in this small way.