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Equality in a D/s relationship
Equality in a D/s relationship is something that disturbs many people – not least of which is new or potential Dominants. I have read posts here which bring up this issue and I have discussed it with other Doms and worried about it myself before I found my true path as a submissive.
The concern goes something like this: The (generally) husband/de facto/male partner either wishes to become a Dominant because he has at least partially identified this need or desire within himself or he has been approached by his (again generally) wife/de facto/female partner who wishes to be his submissive.
All decent men immediately run into the problem that they have been raised to regard women as equals, to not be violent, not degrade etc. They either want or are asked to do something which seems to run counter to everything moral and good that they have ever been taught. The submissive person instinctively knows that this is not the case, but may be unable to express why clearly.
This belief that they are being asked to go against the Dom’s moral beliefs can severely slow or even stop any development of a D/s relationship.
And it’s really not necessary.
In any loving relationship both parties believe they and their partner are of equal worth. This is fundamental to any normal relationship and is even more so in a healthy D/s relationship. Where people go wrong is that they think that a D/s relationship means that somehow, the submissive party is not of equal worth. This is incorrect – both parties are of equal worth and deserving of equal respect.
What is not equal is the amount of say in decisions, the amount of personal freedom, the ability to make choices and ‘drive the bus’ as my Queen puts it. Dependent on the dynamic, the submissive voluntarily give a greater or lesser amount of control over these matters to their Dominant. In a total power exchange the submissive has given all of the ability to make decisions, to decide on their own actions.
I am totally dependent on my Queen – she controls so many things in my life… basic actions such as leaving the room, washing and ablutions. There is no equality in the decision making process. There is no unconditional personal freedom for me. There is no equality in O/our roles at all.
But…
My Queen holds me, my person, my character, my personality, as being of equal worth as her own. She regards me with a respect equal to that which I regard her. That I have voluntarily ceded all of my ability to make important decisions and my personal freedom does not detract from my worth and the respect that she has for me.
It is this equality which is what concerns the neophyte or would be Dominant. A D/s relationship is another form of expressing love, kindness, regard, affection and yes, lust. Just as loving someone is not dependent on their physical looks, their weight, inability to grow a decent beard (sorry… that’s me 😉 ) but recognises the person for who they are, their worth as a person, so does a successful D/s relationship. The D/s dynamic is simply another way of showing that love, affection, regard (and yes, still lust as well) but it doesn’t change the intrinsic equal worth of the people involved as people.
So, if your Dom (or potential Dom) is struggling with this concept, hopefully my slightly verbose post may help explain that being his or her submissive does not mean that the Dominant thinks that you are worth less than them, but is simply a different way of expressing the same wonderful feelings.
My thoughts.
HerSubject
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5 Replies
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Beautiful HS
I think I will show this to Sir. -
I apologise for the sudden change to bold – it was only meant for the word ‘but’
Kind of feels like I was shouting the rest of it! XD
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This was very eloquently stated and rings true for me as a new submissive. Having practiced D/s for just a few months I struggled initially with how to clearly communicate this concept of equality to Sir. With time and patience we are now at a place where the mutual respect we give each other makes this evident.
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Thank you for writing this post HS. It is really helpful to be able to read about this issue in the clear way you have set it out and I am sure what you have said will be reassuring to many of us on here. Sometime when we become wrapped up in our own insecurities or self-doubts it is difficult to see it from the other side. The way that you have explained this fits in so well with the cyclical nature of D/s in that what is given by one is received as a gift by the other. Sometimes I think it is good to be reminded of that as we can become caught up in wondering whether we are on the right track and worrying about our own emotions, losing site of the mutual exchange taking place between us.
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Thank you so much for writing this post. I will be bringing this up to Sir.
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