Does your D/s ebb?

[hersubject]

My thoughts (currently going through a severe ebb brought about by life) is that there will always be ebb as and flows. If you’re sick, if work is getting you down, if you’re flat out with family sports etc.

All sorts of things can create an ebb. I think that it is important to be able to look at your situation and identify firstly that you are ebbing and ththen look at why. If it’s you’re flat out driving kids to and from sport, deliberately set some time aside for Y/you. If it’s work stress, look at how that stress can be alleviated – as the stress is reduced start working on firing up the flow…

I think that the danger is one of complacency. All relationships net care and attention to keep them running at their top speed. If yours isn’t for some reason, then the first thing to do is look at why and correct the problem there… If it is something like complacency, then it may be a simple case of making a but more of a deliberate effort. If it’s something like workplace or financial stress, I think one has to start working on the root cause of the ebb before the ebb can be reliably turned into a flow again.

I think that all ebbs can be turned into flows through awareness and effort but I think it’s important to recognise that an ebb can simply be because life has gotten in the way and you’re having to expend energy on dealing with a problem or situation. And ebb doesn’t have to mean either person is shirking or no longer contributing.

My thoughts… Take what you want, leave the rest 😉

HerSubject

[honeybadger]

Duchess, we are into our second year of D/s (so, basically, I’m a newbie!). If it helps you, I found the routines and rituals help arm against those ebbs. Communication is also the best preventative for so many things. Does your Sir worry about ebbs? Mine is aware of the harm they can do, although He’s very self aware and feels He’s less susceptible to feeling them Himself (a feeling that’s proved correct, so far). When I hit my first ebb, I was ashamed to tell Him. He’d seen the benefits D/s had brought to me personally, as well as to our relationship, and He was quick to jump to fight the ebb. He assigned tasks several times a week. I have to admit that I hated one or two of them. I failed at one and had an absolute emotional breakdown over it. At the time, there wasn’t anything that felt successful about it, but Sir pushed me to find the lesson in the whole mess.

I haven’t had a train wreck like that since last summer, although I have felt small ebbs as vanilla life tried to drain me. Sir reads me carefully and at one point assigned a change in my night time ritual. It changed up the energy, and the ebb receded. We have downtime each week, and He now regularly asks me how I feel about my own D/s… that helps keep the energy focused for me.

Communication and relying on Him to help me through any ebbs has been most successful for us. For me, the ebbs look like a lack of focus in one of my D/s routines. Or, I’ll be tempted to skip a routine (or worse yet, actually skip one). I also found journalling on ebbs in past relationships helped me identify how I act or what I feel when I let myself get pushed into an ebb tide. (and… I went through the embarrassing act of sharing my journal thoughts with Him so He could see exactly what a moody, demanding, superficial wench I can be… and as always, He assured me I’m better than that, and He loved me back into having faith in myself.)

I hope there’s something in all of that to help you or give you an idea of something that will work for you and your lovely D/s.

[honeybadger]

Drat – my finger hit “submit” before I thanked you and wished you luck! Thank you so much for sharing. I wish none of us had our fears and doubts, but knowing I’m not alone in them gives me subport to accept them and move forward. xoxo

[Unknown Member]

Thank you HerSubject and Honeybadger for your responses. We have not had an ebb yet, although the dynamic is still very new to us. I think my Sir is mentally very aware of what can happen when complacency creeps into a relationship, as it was the cause of our vanilla relationship going from vanilla to stale vanilla at best sometimes over the course of the past decade. It happened slowly and looking back now I do not even recognize who we had become. He seems to be very in tune with me these days and his ability to pick up on when I am feeling a bit off is astounding.
Our day yesterday was one of those days. Our 4.5 year old was being as difficult as he could muster and the day ended with Sir working an overnight shift. I was feeling disconnected and he knew it without requiring me to say anything. He is very protective over our dynamic now so I think he would likely take the same approach and give me little assignments to help. I can not imagine skipping a ritual or him allowing that without recourse. Hopefully all that will keep everything on track as much as possible.
I think looking back on the past 10 years and how things slipped so badly, the fear of things slipping from this new found bliss will always be a fear. Maybe that fear is partly what keeps it alive; constant recognition of what we have now and just how very delicate it all is.

[honeybadger]

I’m sorry you had a trying night, but glad you see how much you can rely on your Sir. Yes, this dynamic is delicate and precious, and you will worry over losing it. But it’s also built on a solid foundation of communication and commitment… more so than many vanilla relationships, I personally think, and that makes it strong.