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Did you and Him stay…You and Him?
I joined here a couple days ago and have done a lot of reading! It seems a common theme is that many Doms/subs find D/s-M when their marriage is suffering or even almost ending. Or in some cases, just growing a little stale. I totally get it, as someone who comes from a (now ended) marriage that could have used a big shakeup at many times. But I’m in a different place now, as I shared in my (very long, lol) intro. I’m in the earlier stages of a committed relationship, one which I believe will go far. We get along well, there’s no built up resentment or anger, our physical life hasn’t gotten stale, in fact we are still picking up steam. He is a strong, opinionated guy; I’m a strong, opinionated lady, he says he likes that I “challenge” him (I’m not ever domineering or bossy, that’s just not my style – you could say I’m sort of naturally submissive. Still…I do tell him what I think when asked, and I point out when I think he’s wrong, gently.)
Without actually seeing the big picture here of what D/s relationships are like outside the rules, rituals, and amazing bedroom experiences, I’m having a hard time imagining the other ways things would change. I guess, if we went in this direction as a lifestyle, I’m a little afraid of Him and I becoming…not “us” somehow. Like all the history and rapport might disappear and get replaced by something more dogmatic or I’d stop being myself in some way. Maybe that’s silly but it’s just hard to picture how it all actually plays out, you know? I would love to hear from subs about how your relationships have changed…whether you came into this from a dark place or just wanted to enhance an already good relationship. For the better…and I imagine sometimes there are negatives and you have to retrace your steps?
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5 Replies
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For BayoWolf and I our journey started a few years before we actually found this site. We had a great marriage but there were some problems. I had always had some trouble with loving and enjoying sex. I was a good southern baptist girl and they shouldn’t enjoy sex, right? As our twins were leaving the nest Sir and I began a journey of discovery.
I realized that my sex drive and ability to orgasm was being severely inhibited by the anti depressants I was on. So I worked with my Dr. to change my meds. Sir and I began an intensive study on what the Bible really had to say about sex. And I was in a Bible study that challenged me to remember what had first attracted me to the love of my life. All of those things came together in pretty close proximity to each other. We found a “sex friendly” Christian website where we began to explore what we really wanted from our marriage and our sex life. However, after a couple of years at the Christian website we began to realize they even they had some hang ups that we were not comfortable with.
Someone there, though, had made a post about the role D/s could have in a marriage. What???? I had begun to read some BDSM erotica and loved the D/s dynamic but never really thought it had much to do with a real marriage. I began doing a web search and almost immediately found SubMrs. Sir and I looked at each other and quickly decided that this was something we wanted to try. That was 4 years ago.
I think for us the changes were subtle to most people. For me it was huge. I began putting Sir at the front of every thought and decision I made. You asked about change. It had made me more myself. I am still an opinionated, strong headed, southern woman. If Sir asks my opinion I give it to him, respectfully. (Ok, I try to give it respectfully most of the time.) If I think he is doing something wrong or doesn’t have all the information he needs I let him know, respectfully. The difference for me is in the way I present the information. Before it would be disrespectfully given, now I think before I talk and give him the respect he deserves.
So, has this dynamic changed me? I think so, but for the better. I’m a better version of myself with D|s-M.
Keep Moving,
Pearl
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Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. First, FYI, I changed my username. Things have developed quickly with SO and we chose a new play name for me….Gazelle….based on a conversation we had before we were even dating, when he told me he saw me as vulnerable – like prey. (His nickname Leo represents the predator, of course!) We are spending a long weekend together and have had many frank conversations and some intense physical moments and I think it’s all gonna be OK. We will figure out our own version of how to make this dynamic work and I will try not to worry too much about how it “should” look and instead put our relationship and US first, which is the advice I keep seeing here over and over anyway! We are in the middle of our first real experience playing this dynamic out so hopefully I will have more to report on Monday 🙂
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My Sir and I are early in this dynamic but I initially shared your concerns We’ve been married 30 years happily but the bedroom needed some spicing up. I had many fantasies about D/S that I never expressed although I had gathered the courage to ask for spankings which have become a fairly regular occurrence. I am also a very independent, direct type of woman, successful at work, etc and he can be a bit hot headed and appreciated that I wouldn’t take any crap from him. I worried that to do this “right” we (I) would need to change and maybe he wouldn’t be as attracted to me. So after our whole 30 days at this, I can say that we’ve decided that the only “rules” are ones we make up that benefit our dynamic. We just aren’t going to stop being who we are – this is an addition to our relationship that occurs mostly when it is just the 2 of us. The number one thing is that we are talking about literally everything – not just this. My Sir is very happy with this change in me ( he loves getting to ask for sex whenever he wants – he says I’m going to kill him lol) and i work at deferring to his wishes as much as possible on lots of things which has reduced my stress level. Through this, I’ve realized how much I’ve craved his undivided attention over the years and now I’ve got it! When I get home from work, I put on something sexy. It gets me in a sub mood and he loves that I’ve gone out of my way to look sexy for him. We’re like newlyweds again – going a day without sex seems like a big deal now. If our grown kids only knew! ha! We can’t erase 30 years nor would we want to. What we are doing is enhancing who we are as a couple. We see it as an adventure. My Sir told me tonight, he looked over at me in the gym and thought he couldn’t believe how lucky he is to have me as a wife and he never thought he could love me more. We’re looking at retirement in a couple of years with our RV and I am excited to see what fun we can have on the road with this!
I’m grateful for this community – beyond words. I definitely feel more understood hearing everyone’s stories.
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I am so glad to hear all of what you two are doing. We make our dynamics exactly what WE want them to be. It is a beautiful thing to see and experience. Keep it going. This is a great community. So glad you are here.
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I loved reading this! This is exactly how it should work. Just because we add this new dimension, this new dynamic, to our relationship, we are still who we are….a monogamous married couple who loves each other and will do whatever it takes to make our marriage the best it can be!
Many of us have spent decades with this person we love, and this new journey that we are on is meant to enhance and strengthen what we already have.
So glad you’re here! Can’t wait to talk to you more!!
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