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Creating a Formal Dynamic / Rules
Just trying to clarify or sum-up what I’ve written below – I wanted to ask about three things:
Topping from the Bottom
Formal Dynamic
RulesMy dh and I have been discussing adding some formality to our dynamic. I brought this up because this is something I’d like to add to our relationship; had I not brought it up I don’t know that my husband would have much interest in adding this element himself. This is really more for myself as I like rules and am helped by having someone to be accountable to. We’ve been talking about this for a while and he’s happy with adding this element for my benefit.
While discussing this over the last couple of weeks I was literally asked to “top from the bottom” until he felt comfortable taking full control.
Ultimately he explained his position and why he wants our relationship to function in this manner for the time being. Firstly, he works almost 80 hours a week. While he’d like to read books, blogs, forums and spend more time planning and thinking about our relationship and how he wants it to grow, he simply has little time to do so. I have lots more time on my end and can research, write and summarize for him, which is what he’s asking me to do. He’d like me to present to him different approaches, ideas, examples, etc. for him to consider.
To me this feels like topping from the bottom – I’m more in control than he is and I would be the one ultimately controlling ideas, etc. since I’m the one presenting them. I pointed this out to him, but he still asked that I do so for his benefit for the time being since he doesn’t have time to really do it himself.
Have any of you ladies found yourselves in similar positions? Thoughts? Part of me is very uncomfortable with the idea, but if it’s the way he wants to move forward for now then I feel we should. Obviously I’m kind of struggling with the two sides on this issue… I thought perhaps seeking advice from others who have more experience would be helpful.
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Regarding Formal Dynamic and Rules…
How did you each go about creating this for your relationships?
I’ve spent a fair amount to time sifting through many of the older posts trying to glean what I can, but perhaps asking the question out-right will prove fruitful as far as finding understanding and coming up with ideas. I realize that this is ultimately something that each couple will need to discover for themselves, as what works for one couple won’t work for all, etc. I guess I’m just looking for a good jumping-off point in order to begin.
When it comes to making an outline of what each of us wants from a more formal dynamic my husband’s inability to specify what he likes and what he wants is the bigger issue. He just doesn’t know where to begin (and I don’t know either). When it comes to sex, he know what he likes and has no issue with asking to try new things. But when it comes to rules outside of this then he is at a loss…
Any advice on how to form a more formal dynamic would be most appreciated!
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2 Replies
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Hi collette…
I will share with you my experience and opinion on this. My Sir and I are taking this journey step by step but I’ve found some great ladies on here and learned fron their experiences too. So here goes…
I asked my Sir to take this journey with me. So when my Sir and I started this journey, I spent a lot of time reading and reading and researching. I sent him articles and links and we talked a lot about what I wanted from this type of dynamic. I also listened to him and tried to respectfully help him when he faltered. Also, if you search in LK’s search bar for phases of D/s, there’s a great post about it. From what I read in your post, it sounds like yall are fairly new and this is a normal part of the process. You are providing your husband with the tools he needs to be the best Dominant that you need.
So to sum that up, don’t feel so torn… there’s many ladies on here who are/were in similar positions.Regarding a more formal dynamic and rules, once again this is what my Sir and I did, but essentially he asked me to write down 3 rules that I felt were important to follow on a daily basis. They are simple and easy to remember. He also sends me a little to do list daily. I love it because it lets me know he’s thinking about us and keeps me in the mindset. We work two totally different schedules so during my work weeks, these lists are great and we have downtime we can.
I hope this helped. Give your journey some time and always take baby steps.. start small, build a strong foundation and the rest will follow.
♡SSB
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Thank you, SSB.
We’ve done a lot more downtime and discussion over the past (almost) two months. Sir actually got a promotion so he’s not needing to work so much and that has allowed us more time to talk and work on things a bit. Last night he stated that he knows what he wants and he’s just trying to work out the kinks of how to implement it and he now feels comfortable enough for me not to lead so much. We’re entering Phase 2, perhaps?
We’ve implemented a journaling routine of sorts.
1.) I have a written journal that I keep, which he can read.
2.) I took LK’s advice about printing out articles and blog posts for him. I actually created a binder full of posts from here and other places with good information. Sir liked that since it is designed to get to the point. It works rather well. I update the binder with good articles and posts as I come across them, and he reads one article in the evening when he’s home. I need to get some tabs to divide sections such as Punishment, Protocol & Rules, Dominance, Play Ideas, etc.
3.) We also created a Google Docs account and I have so far created two slide shows of gif files. One is, “Sir’s Play Idea Lookbook”, full of gifs taken from tumblr blogs. That idea was taken, I believe, from a post he read on Husdom about creating a scene via pics/gifs. I’ll be updating the files, and adding new shows as requested – and he’ll be able to look through them in the evenings. It sort of works like a book, telling a story but with visual aid. It’s nice.What we’ve discovered is that he processes information much better if it’s visual. We’d been reading BDSM books to give him ideas for rules, etc., since he didn’t know where to start. But that method doesn’t work as well for him as seeing it visually would. He asked for videos instead, which I’ve found hard to find… (Don’t know where to look?). But the gifs took care of both issues. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before. 🙂
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