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Conflict Resolution
I talked a little bit about this in the chat and wanted to post in the forum as well.
A and I have been in TTWD for about six months now. The first two months were not great. A lot of frustration and sadness and anger on my part – the typical false start sub trying to run miles ahead of her Dom. When we found husdom and submrs it was like several lightbulbs went off at once. I’ve been plugged into a few BDSM communities online but nothing resonated with the both of us like D/s-M did. From there we both took off from the same place and at the same pace. Magic.
Now, obviously we are both still quite new and learning and growing together. We stumble and have to find our way back to center. We’re learning about ourselves and each other – it’s not an easy or quick thing to do. But the more we dig in, the deeper we find ourselves connected to one another.
We have always had pretty great communication skills, I think. It’s something we’re complimented on quite often and something we always prided ourselves on. Never hanging up the phone or going to bed angry, never yelling at each other or calling names, always talking things through. Honestly? I thought we were pretty perfect in that department. It wasn’t until we began exploring D/s that we realized just how much we were leaving unsaid.
A huge way I have noticed we have grown is in the way we handle disconnection. Pre-D/s we would feel ourselves drifting from one another, for one big or small reason or another. I cannot speak on his behalf, but on my side of things I would find myself becoming irritated and frustrated and eventually SO. ANGRY. over the tiniest things. I could see myself holding him to wildly unreachable standards, expecting him to read my mind and do a 180* in an instant, but I couldn’t stop myself. I would just spiral into insatiable grouchiness, hurting both him and myself in the process. It would fester and grow until one or both of us snapped at each other. We would want to fix it but couldn’t even understand or explain how we got there. Why was I mad? I didn’t even know, I was just so DONE.
This is what it looks like now: Something small or big sets off the frustration. We begin to pull apart, retreat to our usual defense mechanisms and anxious/upset behaviors. One of us notices there is a rift and pulls the other aside. “Hey, what’s going on? I feel distant/disconnected from you. Can we start over?”
Those words melt away the red-hot frustration. If it’s a small issue, we are able realize we blew up nothing and move on. If it is a big issue, we are then able to approach it honestly and level headed, and then move on, together. These words act as a trigger and a reminder: We are in this together, we are a team, we always have each other, I love you, I’m listening to you, you are heard, you are cared for, you are safe.
When it is A who comes to me, I feel so loved and protected. When it is I who goes to him, I feel so humbled.
We put down the fighting gloves, come together, and get back to basics.
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5 Replies
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That is awesome Mrs.R! I can relate to so much of what you said here. I’m glad to hear D/s-M is working as well for you as it is for us!
HUGS!
Staci -
Thank you for this post, Mrs. R.
“A lot of frustration and sadness and anger on my part – the typical false start sub trying to run miles ahead of her Dom”
I think this is exactly what I am doing. I start out very day with a great attitude..a fresh start, and every evening around the same time, I feel sad, overwhelmed…petulant. I don’t know why..I can’t put my finger on it. All I can imagine is that it is the frustration and anger I am causing myself in running ahead. No matter how hard I try not to do it, I build expectations, have desires for more from my Dominant than he is able or willing to give at this time, and then…BAM….the whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions start again. I can’t seem to go ONE day without being corrected for being sullen or having a snippy attititde. The thing is…I can look back and see how amazing everything has become. I see the huge changes, and I know everything is so much better, but I can’t seem to handle the “disconnect” the way you are describing here. I am going to keep trying, though. Your post brought me hope.
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Wow! Thank you Darling, your post and the replies are so meaningful to me!
I feel so many of the same things that you all have said. We are blessed to have this community to go to for assistance, guidance, and understanding. I want to take this opportunity to thank LK, and Mr. Fox for their tireless work to form this community.
Warm regards,
Belle-Soumise -
Hi Y’all,
Well we have really have had a vanilla weekend so far all of my kids are home with grand-kids and such. I love them all but really makes us both on edge. So yesterday I was stressed and a little bratty and my love was stressed and a little sarcastic but we looked at each other and said “ouch” as this is our new way to let the other one know of hurt feelings. IT REALLY WORKED! My love told the kids we had to do an errand so we left for a bit. He took me to Braums (our ice cream place) and we talked. We both came back in a much better state of mind.
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I really loved reading this post and all the responses. I relate to so much in all this. Our early times just starting out and even now when life gets busy and pulls you in different directions. Really just lovely….thank you all for sharing.
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