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Concerns about getting started
My husband and I have been together for 5 years (3 of them married). Our relationship in and out of the bedroom has always been vanilla. About a month ago, he brought home some new toys, including some furry handcuffs and an under-the-bed restraint system.We tried them out and loved them, and we’ve been trying more bondage, domination, and submission every few days since then. I’m somewhat submissive by nature, and he is a bit more dominant by nature, but we’ve tried to keep things equal by choosing a couple of days each week and flipping a coin to see who gets to be dominant all day on those days. It’s been a lot of fun.
Now, we’re thinking of going further. We’ve talked a lot about making him dominant for a week at a time or even long-term. I like the idea, and I’ve agreed to try it, but I have some concerns. I’m worried that, if I submit to him long-term, I’ll lose some of my identity and self-expression. Since long before I met my husband, I’ve always felt like I might “disappear” into the personality of the man I was with if I wasn’t careful. I know my husband loves me dearly, and he doesn’t want this to happen any more than I do, but I can’t help worrying. Have any of you had this kind of concern?
Also, I feel like our relationship is already extremely strong and healthy. I’m worried that, by experimenting with dominance and submission, we’re trying to “fix what isn’t broken.” I don’t want to lose the good thing we have going. Any thoughts? Thanks, everyone.
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3 Replies
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Dear Sara,
Thank you for sharing your story and concerns! It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship and you would both like to make it even better with what the site calls vanilla with a twist. Many couples start out in the bedroom and decide to take the dynamic 24/7. I have learned so much from LK, the founder of this site, about D|s-M. I think you may enjoy researching D|s-M to understand that it is not the same thing as kink or D/s. Couples here build a strong foundation (the cake) and then enjoy the icing ( BDSM/sex). So, keep reading about the foundations and how to start a D|s-M relationship on site and do some soul searching to see if submission is a good fit for your marriage. It is for mine and we’ve never been happier! I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Warm regards,
Belle -
Dear Sara,
I think if you were to ask any of the seasoned subbies on the site they would tell you that submission is not about losing yourself. It is actually quite the opposite. It is about finding yourself and CHOOSING to submit to your husband. You are never a doormat!!!! You always have a say in the relationship. That is why we put such an emphasis on Downtime and Communication. LK and Mr.Fox have come up with a proven method for strengthening and improving marriages within the parameters of a BDSM relationship. My Sir and I have for the most part, have had an incredible marriage but the D|s-M dynamic has made it so much better. I truly wish we had this blueprint earlier. Please continue to research our site, ask questions, post in the forums, and get to know the subbies in the chatrooms. We have an amazing community here for the subs and HusDom.com for the Sirs. I wish you and your Sir all the best on your journey!
Much Love,
Para -
Hey Sara!
I think most of us had some similar concerns, but they are quickly dispelled after learning about what D/s-M really is and especially what it is NOT.
My Sir never wanted to change who I was as a woman, wife, mother and professional. Instead it is about bringing out all of our positive qualities and working to better the more negative behaviors (in both of us). Choosing to be his submissive was about giving up the power struggle and trusting him to lead. He’s never taken away my voice or not allowed me input (we use downtime weekly in order to have honest discussion about how I feel in our dynamic). He listens to my needs, desires, hesitation and makes decisions for us that he thinks is best based on that.
I think that once you read more of the blogs and chat with the other submissives, you will find that D/s-M is about enhancing your relationship by incorporating D/s, BDSM and other elements INTO your marriage…to make it the best it can be!
Hope to see you in chat soon!
Smooches,
Veruca
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