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Communication and Assumptions
Journal Feb 1, 2019
We had a good talk last night. We had an experience yesterday afternoon where I wasn’t ready and was made very sore as a result. I told him about it. Told him I wanted that because HE wanted that. But he said we wouldn’t do that anymore. I know he felt bad because he said we wouldn’t ever do that again. He asked why I didn’t use my words. I couldn’t express my thoughts and feelings correctly about that. I told him I felt like it was being selfish. His voice dropped and got very stern and he reprimanded me for thinking like that. He listed all the ways I have given myself to him and the family over the years and told me he didn’t want me to EVER say anything like that again.
He also told me that he understood what I was wanting and where I wanted to go more than I realized. He said he had noticed the change in me- my mindset, my demeanor. That really made my heart glow. BUT he expressed his reserve in taking our relationship to that point because there are times he needs me- needs to lean on my shoulder. He said he felt like going all the way to where I have indicated I want to go is demeaning to me in his eyes. He feels like it is not treating me as an equal.
He did admit that he has not been getting on husDom and chatting and that he needs to do more of that.
This morning I was thinking about all of that. He made the observation that I have been really weepy since we started this journey. I told him my heart wall has finally been coming down. That leaves me vulnerable to feel the emotions I have stuffed down for years. The words I think I wanted to say were: I have spent my whole life thinking of everyone else. Putting their needs before mine. I have spent the last 25 years biting my lip and going with him- his wants, his whims. I learned WHEN to speak with him so I could have my say but it was to speak about surface things. So to open up completely, honestly, no holds barred, IS very emotional for me. It is leaving me raw and vulnerable. It’s hard to put a voice to my true desires and needs. I realize that by NOT having spoken all those things over the years that he doesn’t know me as well as he should. I was emotionally hurt that after 25 years of marriage he didn’t know me, know my body, well enough that I didn’t HAVE to safe word. And there are things that I still don’t know about him. My getting hurt yesterday was a direct result of that. I know that I hurt him emotionally yesterday as well. His face said it all. I resolve to be the open book that I keep telling him I want to be. That means no assumptions. This is a NEW relationship. He has to trust me to use my words and I have to trust that he will eventually learn me better than I know me. But that is a journey we have to take together.
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4 Replies
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HisLadyBug, It sounds like you learned a very valuable lesson. 🙂 Do you have a safe word? Using a safe word in a scene or play doesn’t mean he doesn’t know you well enough, or that you are weak or wimping our or any of the other negative things you may think. Even if he knows you more than you know yourself, there are times when our bodies respond differently than they have before, or when our emotions are out of whack, or when some environmental issue is causing a distraction that we can’t ignore. It is is so important that we communicate honestly before, during, and after a scene. As much as you have to trust your Sir, he has to trust you and your ability to communicate honestly with him, too. My Sir and I have been playing together for many, many years and there are still times when I have had to ask for a break, or a pause, or even safed out of a scene. He can’t feel what my body is feeling. He doesn’t know what is cycling through my mind that day. I have to communicate with him. i have used “yellow” and asked him to slow down over small stuff that surprised both of us, and gone through hard things that he thought might be too much without batting an eye. There are just so many variables that influence where you are in a scene. Gosh, last night I asked him to pause because there was an itch on my nose that I couldn’t get to because I was bound and it was driving me insane to the point that I couldn’t focus on what he was doing to me. LOL There was no way he could have known that, and if i hadn’t asked him to stop and remedy the situation, i probably wouldn’t have been able to get to where he wanted me to be physically or mentally. I’m glad you and your sir talked all of this through, and you are on a new path. Just learn from your mistake and look forward. 😉
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This is a great thread. Thank you for sharing with us! Communication that is open and honest is so so important with this dynamic. If we can’t be respecfully honest with our Sirs, then they won’t be able to stretch us and help us grow to new heights. Our Sirs need us to express when to slow down, or if something isn’t feeling quite right. I know I’m bad at this too as I don’t want to throw off the groove of the scene or playtime. I’m still learning it’s not a sign of weakness for me to yeloow or red, but acutally beneficial to my Sir and myself. Honestly, I think I’ve yellowed once so far since Oct. and I probably should have expressed it more than that and didn’t. This post helps me in trying to change my thinking that I’m not going to upset or frustrate my Sir if I need something switched, fixed, scratched, etc.
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In just a few months of living in our new dynamic I can say I talked to my sir about things that I didn’t even know I needed to talk about. Our downtimes sometimes we talk about our dynamic but sometimes we do it to reconnect as a couple. I am generally an open book , so if you ask me i will anwser your question. We happened upon a topic during downtime one night that got me to tears. I realized then how this level of communication can also lead to healing of old wounds. Not necessarily ones my sir had caused but old feelings I had kept bottled up from childhood.
It is awesome for you to be able to take down the wall you had put up around your heart and feel free enough to show your emotions. That is so wonderful!!
Terenya
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Thanks for your post HisLadybug. I can relate to so much of what was said and others comments. I read this yesterday and it was another reminder to me about communication. Being in this community now, it resonated with me even more. (Downtime?!) ‘Consider how you fell in love in the first place. You talked. You took great care with your choice of words. You spoke encouraging words to each other in order to develop the relationship.’
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