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Communication
Anyone have any ideas on how to communicate when we submissives start to spiral or need to reset?
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21 Replies
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Hi Sweets. So funny you should ask because I had to open up and ask for help just a little while ago. The alarm went off at 4:20 a.m. for us to wake up. He always sets it now 10 min earlier so we can have morning cuddle time. I’ve had my period since Saturday and on top of being hormonal I am starting to feel needy. I asked him to help me get through today and told him why. We haven’t had a scene in about 2 weeks and although the last was good, it wasn’t long and the next few days are jam packed with many obligations. You know how crazy my life has been for the last couple of months and it hasn’t slowed down yet. I am craving him. He listened and said that of course he would help me get through today. He then told me some of what would happen on Saturday night.
What I know is that they want us to ask for help, but there are some things we need to take into consideration when we reach out for help. I think when we approach is probably paramount. It’s almost like asking a boss for raise; look for the opportune time, which is when they’re relaxed enough to hear you. Timing is everything. This morning was perfect because it’s when he asks me about what is going on for the day and we make plans.
Next, how you approach and ask is equally important. I can tell you that I will get nothing and more often than not I will get some very harsh words if I whine or complain or both (lethal combo). I also get nothing if I’m snappy and sarcastic. We don’t ever want it to even get to that point. It’s up to us to notice those subtle triggers in us and head them off at the pass. I woke up almost dreading my busy day and when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close I started feeling like I wanted to cling and not let go. Ding…ding…ding! It’s when I’m feeling like that I recognize I need to ask for help. Ask gently, humbly (kneel if you have to), and respectfully.
Last, don’t tell him what to do to. I know this one is easier said than done because boy do we think we know what we need (and when…how…where). We have to let them do it their way and with their own words. I didn’t tell him to text me or call me. I didn’t tell him what to say to get me through or how to say it to make me happy. He knows I need help, he knows what’s going on today, he knows how I feel. He promised to help. I have to trust that he will come through for me today and I have to show him how thankful I am when he does whatever it is he chooses to do. A Dominate man loves repair and improve, desires trust and respect, and wants to feel appreciated.
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Elle and Sweetness,
I love that this question was posted. I have thought a lot about this, and its funny because I just went through my first feelings of spiraling out of control.
Remember, my Husband/Sir and I are very new to this and I think that says a lot about how far we have come in our D/s. I know spiraling is not a positive experience, I understand now how helpless I feel and how much I crave for my Sir to reset me.Anyways, I have read some of LK’s posts about spiraling out of control and needing to be reset. But until this week, I had never truly experienced it. I had come off a particularly hard work week and since I work at night, the intimate time with my Sir is limited…
Anyways, I felt helpless and craved Him, His words, His touch, and it was causing me to be bitchy, bratty, and I couldn’t stop it. My Sir definitely noticed, asked if I was ok. I tend to shut down after stressful periods and I don’t want to talk at all (big vanilla problem we had). The brattiness wasn’t getting me anywhere and that’s what my Sir told me. So while he was at work yesterday, I thought about how I would tell him and when he got home, I asked to speak to Him and just kind of poured out my feelings and cravings.I know this post is so long.. but long story short.. He listened, went to work out and before he went to read to our toddler, he told me to shower and wait for him on the bed with my hair up… ♥ The reset was amazing and emotional but was exactly what I needed. Afterward I thanked him.
And we talked about some warning signs of my spiraling….So I’m so glad this question was posted and I will keep those suggestions in mind, Elle.
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Just wanted to say sorry for the jumbled thoughts on my post. I had so much emotion about that experience, it’s hard for me to get it all out on a post ( I think).
Much love,
Belle-
SSB.. Love that he acknowledged your spiral and reset you… Sometimes all it takes is a few dominate words and or actions to get you back on track!! Thanks for sharing!!
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Thanks Sweetness,
I know I didn’t provide much of an answer but I feel like I learned a lot from these other girls and their answers.
And I feel like I made progress in my D/s journey with ny Sir.
Thanks for being so sweet 😉 And you’re right, sometimes all it takes is a few words or some dominating actions…
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Thanks Elle… Lots of good advice … Hate busy weeks!!! Im finding that a lot of touching helps sooth the spiral.. Thank you for your sub port!!
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Just reaching out is all it takes and you’re right, the smallest gesture can have the greatest affect. It doesn’t always take much to reset, but it does take a thoughtful, meaningful word or gesture.
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Hi Sweets…I’m still learning how to stop the spiral in it’s tracks. It’s not easy. You have to be really open and honest and just come out and say it. First, maybe have a conversation about what a spiral is and what it does to you, then about how he can help you when it happens. I remember once at a romantic dinner out (I posted about it) I told him straight out that when a couple of days go by, and I haven’t felt his Dom, I tend to panic and when life gets super busy for both of us, I feel disconnected. Those are the two biggest triggers for me. It’s all up to him on how to address these issues, but now he knows what is happening and can then proceed how he chooses. Sometimes it’s just a simple, “I need you today” just like Elle said. He is learning what I need…and he’s doing a great job. There are still times when it’s very sudden and I slip immediately into the spiral rather than a slow decline…that’s when I get bratty (Not intentionally) but he recognizes that too…and a “reset” is the best thing to set me to rights. I don’t know if that helps or not….call me if you want to talk! Hugs!
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Thanks Gof… We will chat soon!!!! All these responses are great… I am like you when a few days go by without any d/s I panic … I try so hard not to spiral but it gets the best of me… We are working on it.. He has learned to read me so well… Thanks again for your advice!!!
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Sweets- great answers by elle and GOF. This lifestyle works because we are able to communicate our needs, and our Sir’s will hear our concerns and decide what is best. I still struggle with telling my Sir what is bothering me. He would much rather here it in a short, direct plea from me, than try to guess, or figure out what is wrong. Dom’s are problem solvers, and we have to trust them to find a way to fix things. Every time you go to your sir, and let him decide what is best, you increase your D/s bond. I think Mr. Fox wrote about a time he and LK have set aside at night for her to bring to him her concerns. What a great comfort that must be, to know that whatever the vanilla world has thrown at them, they have this special time together to re-establish the dominance in a loving caring way. That way, there is no stewing, no spiraling. It’s taken care of. My Sir and I are still working on this, btw 🙂 Hope this helps!
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Thanks LBP… Your right all these answers re awesome!!! I will review and run with all of my subbie friends advice… Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!
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This is all such great stuff; thank you ladies for sharing! This sounds nuts, but looking back I can see the hundreds of times I have needed to be reset in our years of marriage….before I ever knew what that was. I would get lonely for Him and feel disconnected, and when time wasn’t made for me I would start feeling resentful. I deeply needed him to take charge and do something… Fuck me senseless, cuddle me, anything….just take notice! Instead I got bitchy and I couldn’t even figure out why half the time, and He sure as hell didn’t know. It led to so many cycles of bitterness 🙁 I am SO SO thankful I have realized what being a submissive is; what I am deep down, and so thankful to keep learning this stuff! I seriously had no idea this was my problem half the time; it makes SO much sense now!
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Here is an example that I hope will help. A few days ago I decided to “pre-emptively” go to Sir and ask for his help. I’ve never done that before. We have no set time to discuss things, so I was hoping for an opportunity where I could approach him when we were kind of in Dom and sub mode. It’s hard to explain, since we tend to move back and forth fluidly during the days we are home together, when we are alone, I refer to him as Sir more often, and he in turn will show his dominance either physically or with a look, or a comment, anyway, it works for us. I found my chance in the laundry room, of all places, and I asked him for his help this week in managing my irrational thoughts that happen every month before I get my period. I told him that every month I cannot seem to control my spiraling during the week before my period, that I feel very insecure and needy, and that I need to feel that he is in control more than ever, during that time. He nodded and asked that I tell him every month when I sense this is happening. End of conversation. Problem solved. I spent the rest of the day feeling happy and safe.
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Sweetness
I know I talk to you all the time but I figured this may help others as well. My Sir and I have been together for 33 years been married 28 years, The first 6 years of our marriage we did some real kinky things and I loved it. But than my son started school and we became the normal PTA parents and our life changed. Everything started to become stagnant in our lives..we work, come home take care of the house, take care of our son and I sit and talk with my husband. But we talked about the same crap everyday and did we listen to each other I believe not. I say this because I felt like I was always the last in the whole married picture and I listened but I didn’t hear the meaning behind the words and neither did my husband. It was just conversation of no importance! Our vanilla sex was great but it wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I wanted what we once had and more so when my son moved out 5 years ago I started reading erotic a lot the first 2 years. I started searching online about D/s and I did that for 3 years and I found out that the most important values was Communication, honesty and trust was the keys that bonded the relationship. But I also found out a lot of those sites where bullshit and unrealistic and I all so felt dishonesty. Trust and communication is important to me it is something that I do not give freely and it took me along time to get back to believe in it. This is because it was destroyed in me at a very young age. My husband helped me with this problem but I still held back my inner feelings and what I wanted in my life. I decide I was gonna change that but than I found Lk’s and Elle’s blogs. I liked what I saw and even though I did I sat on the side for 6 months and just read until I could trust what I felt was true and honest. Than I wrote Lk an email…see communication was needed to move forward Lol! Even though my Sir and I are only 6 months into our journey without communication in all aspects of our journey we would fail. Or else it will do harm to us or ourselves because we can not read each others minds when we are spiraling out of control. We get bitchy or mean and we say things that can be hurtful at that moment. The difference now is we have a place to talk with our sister subs and get guidance and help. But there is only way to fix the spiral and its your Sir. Your Sir will step up and do what needs to be done to reset you. Without open honest communication the D/s- M relationship has no foundation or meaning. Example…I believe if you do not ask your husband/wife point blank to go this journey together two things will happen. One… there is no D/s lifestyle happening because it will not work without each other excepting it. Its only kinky sex. Two…you can not force someone to do something that they are not wanting to do. Be honest to yourself first always and communicate by saying what is needed to be said and be prepared to receive the good with the bad. We are human and we make mistakes but with those mistakes we gain knowledge, understanding and acceptance of each other…that in it self is a true and honest gift that we give to our D/s-M relationship and to each other with respect!I am always there for you lady♥
Roadrunner♥ -
So, did any of you ever feel like the journey would never get better? What would you do if you asked for this lifestyle, but your partner doesn’t seem fully committed? I was very unhappy with vanilla. I feel like I’ve found myself, but my husband is still reluctant to even discuss the dynamic. I asked for it over a year ago.Though he certainly doesn’t miss the nagging control freak I used to be. And he seems to enjoy having access to sex any time he likes (mostly in the form of quickies). But he won’t read about this lifestyle or make any effort to educate himself about it. And if I bring it up, I can see him shutting down. It’s very difficult to maintain sub without his Dom. Should I give up? Will he never come around? For most of you it seems like your Dom just hopped on board ready and willing to learn. It’s a vicious cycle. I tell him I need this. We have a little D/s. Then it tapers to no D/s. Then I get lonely and resentful. Then I spiral, and we have a fight that ends with me telling him I need this and him trying again just to appease me. None of which helps me in my submission. Feels more like nagging him into being Dominant. I hate this process but crave his dominance and want so desperately to please him.
Maybe this is the wrong place for this subject. I’d just like to know if it sounds like it’s never going to happen for us. I don’t know how to be happy without it, now that I know what could be. Perhaps Mr. Fox has some advice?
Thanks,
ReRe -
Hello Re Re…. We have all been where you are at.. My sir and I are still new at this lifestyle and still learning everyday..it was not an easy start I craved his dominance and I felt my submission and so eager to give… He was hesitant and like you I wanted to give up.. But after finding Lk blog and Mr. Fox blog I pushed through with all the sub port this blog offers.. I asked formally and he accepted.. Was not without many months of ups and downs.. My sir does not like to read and research was minimal.. I found that I would send him pics and send him posts I would find for him to read in small portions.. He liked that.. Small increments.. He eventually started to follow Mr Fox blog and eventually opened up to the idea..
I asked my sir his opinion, and he would like to know what, if any, reasons your sir has given for not moving forward in this journey. please let myself and my sir know what your sir has to say..
Please do not give up…it will eventually click in.
Sweetness & Mr. B
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Sweetness & Mr. B,
Thank you. He says he doesn’t want another “child” to discipline. He doesn’t want to “beat” me. He doesn’t want to have to tell me every little thing to do around the house. No matter how many times and how many ways I’ve tried to explain that that’s not what this is, he doesn’t understand. That’s why I started sending him links to blogs and specific posts. They explain it so much better than I can. I’ve sent him the link to Mr. Fox’s blog. Twice. But, it doesn’t do any good if he won’t read them. He also says I’m never satisfied. He says he is making an effort. 6 or 8 “quickies”, 2 brief, fairly vanilla love-making sessions, and a few smacks on the rear over a 2-month period aren’t enough Dom for me. I don’t know how to reach him. Any advice is definitely welcome and appreciated. I don’t really know what I’m doing wrong.
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Re Re,
I think you need to sit with your Sir and let him know or show him… What a submissive is… Show him the difference between a “slave” and a sub… A lot of us subs will tell you that this dynamic makes you stronger. Show him this is a lifestyle that you want to adopt.
Formally ask him… But be prepared for the answer either way.
D/s will bring all the skeletons or fears out and make you deal with those before you can get started on the BDSM…
Email me anytime Re-Re- LK@subMrs.com
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Hi ReRe,
I am new to this too, so I don’t have any grounds to give you advice. But I do urge you to give him time. I can’t imagine how hard it is for our husbands/Sirs to be thrust (no pun intended) into this lifestyle when they were travelling along happily with the old status quo. If you are going to adapt your relationship he may need you to do it slowly, especially if this is not a challenge he would choose to make naturally.
I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries replying and wish you all the best.
NG
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ReRe,
I think he has his own concerns/fears that he isn’t really saying out or doesn’t know how to express?
Seems like you are communicating with him, but he isn’t quite sure how to communicate back.
It reads like that to me and well I am not sure of what else is going on but it seems like the communication is on a one way street. -
ReRe… Please dont give up .. You are not doing anything wrong…. When we throw something at our husbands so far out of left field it may take them some time to process… Like Lk said sit with your sir and talk about what you are looking for.. Let him know that you are not a “child” you want to be his submissive ….you don’t want to be “beat” you want to play…. And that you are a grown women with a voice that can be heard not someone who “needs to be told what to do”… I was once in your shoes and still learning.. My sir said “slow down” and “going at my own pace” I had to listen I was told once by someone that I wanted to put “the pedal to the medal” I needed to step back and let my husband absorb what I was asking… He would look at the stuff I sent but did not let on he was looking and he gradually realized what I wanted to do.. The journey I wanted to go on.. We are still slow paced but the communication is incredible!!! Communicate with him small increments goes a long way… You will get there Hang tight and just keep reading the advice and absorb the sub-port!!! Always here for ya!! As we all are!!!
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