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coming to terms with my submissive nature and scared
Hello,
I’m really not sure where to begin. This is going to be a long post.
In November, I got out of the most vanilla relationship I’d ever had with a very a submissive man. I was miserable and didn’t know why as I had not yet understand who I was, at least not completely. I had inclinations that I was submissive and wanted so badly to be dominated based on a few things I experimented with a partner (ie. bondage, spanking, hair pulling, choking, et. al) and more elaborate fantasies I had but knew virtually nothing about BDSM. What I did know about BDSM, I learned through pop culture and so my ignorant impression kept me in the dark. I thought it was something I wouldn’t identify with. Turns out I was very wrong.
I ended up dating a submissive man because the relationship I was in prior to him contained elements of a d/s relationship, although not formally discussed or understood by myself or my partner, and that relationship really hurt me. The sex fell apart after we moved into together, as did everything else, and I realized that the kinky stuff we were engaging with was more of a phase for him and something I couldn’t live with it. In the end he expressed so much disdain for my submissive nature and treated me as though I was the most dysfunctional person he had ever met. I was so hurt that I aspired to change and repress my sexuality, and so much of who I was, because I thought it meant that I was “damaged,” as it put it and I never wanted someone to think that about me or to feel that vulnerable again. I am very sensitive to the term “damaged” because I did have a challenging childhood, which he knew about, and I have worked so hard not be a product of it and I know that I have done well despite it but he made me doubt that fact.
For the record I’m a very independent, strong, successful, emotionally stable, fully functioning, happy person, like many submissive people are and it is unfortunate that society views submissiveness (sexual or otherwise) as a weakness. I’m not perfect, but I consider myself far from damaged. But because I revealed my sexual submissiveness to this person- who seemed to like it at first, and even instigated bondage, among other things- eventually they used it as justification for us growing apart and his growing disinterest in me. It was the hardest thing I ever went though.
Five months after that break up, I met a man who was the opposite of him and what I craved. He was very submissive and seemed to want a dominant women and saw a relationship with him as a great opportunity for me to change. I was so miserable with him. I had no sex drive and felt like I didn’t know who I was.
It took me over a year to end it.
After that I started to research BDSM after, by chance, coming in contact with a few people who were experienced in the lifestyle. I discovered that there were explanations and terms for things I experienced, such as subspace and sub drop, that was, and still is very scary to me, but it was comforting to know that others experienced that strangely intoxicating feeling that left me dazed and sometimes incoherent, and disoriented and the subsequent melancholy that followed.
After my research I sought out people to explore with. I came across a man who was very experienced and who I am friends with but he lives in San Francisco, and I live in the West Coast of Canada/ I didn’t want my first d/s situation to be a long distance one. We tried it but I could tell it wasn’t good for me. He got me into subspace so easily, even from a distance, and with him not being physically present, it was too hard to deal with the come down alone. Being new to such intense feelings, it was very scary to go through it all without the physical comfort of a hug or something.
Then I found someone with no experience but with a strong interest in being in a d/s relationship and a natural dominance. He has also been doing is research and our sex is quite fulfilling but I still want to know what it is like to be with someone who is very experienced, yet I there’s a fear associated with the idea of being with someone who is very experienced. I just recently answered a personal ad written by a “Master.” We have exchanged several emails. One day he suggested I meet him in public in a particular neighbourhood. Oddly enough I was supposed to be in that exact neighbourhood that day so I sent him an email back saying I’ll be in the neighbourhood at this time and am willing to meet him. By the time he received a response saying he was at a specific location and I should meet him there, I was half way home. I sent him a message telling him I was already half way home and he responded immediately saying “Why don’t you turn around.”
I couldn’t. I was scared. I want to meet this person but I am so scared. I can sense his experience and it both frightens and excites me.
I suppose my fears relate to how I was once shamed for revealing my submissive self, and also how easily I enter subspace and how vulnerable I am in that position. I fear that if this person isn’t a good person, they could easily take advantage of me. I can also get very emotional after a scene and have only played with someone who isn’t that experienced. I can’t imagine what will happen with someone who is. There’s a part of me that wants so badly to know but is afraid to know. Does this make sense?
Anyway, I could use all the advice I can get.
Thanks for reading. -
2 Replies
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Miss Holloway –
First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your story with us. It is always helpful to see what others are going through. I’m going to try to respond although I do not personally have experience with your situation. This is of course is just my personal opinion. I think you need to follow your gut in this situation. In my experiences my gut has always lead me the right direction. If you did not feel the intimidate inclination to turn the car around that day you should follow that feeling until you are ready. You need to get to know this person and make sure you are completely comfortable with them. I feel the need to add please make sure that if you do decide to meet him let someone you trust know where you are going to be. Also a good idea to have check-in times set up with that person as well as a code word to give that person if you need to while on the phone with them. If this Dom is a true Dom these request should not be an issue with him. I would go as far to say he should actually encourage this in order to provide you protection. I wish you the best of luck with this.
-panda -
Panda
Thank you so much for your response. It is tough being single and submissive, haha.
He hasn’t said anything to lead to me to fear him. I guess I’m more afraid of his experience if that makes sense, and if he does turn out to be a bad person, I am very vulnerable to being taking advantage of as I get very deep into sub-space very easily. I am learning how to snap myself of it but fear with someone more experienced, it will be harder for me to do.
I haven’t heard from him yet but when I do, I will make sure I follow all safety precautions.
Thanks again.
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