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collars
Hi,
I having a bit of a dilemma. My husband and I have started our journey into this D/s-M and it has been going really well. We are happy in our new relationship and very happy with all the new things we are trying. We read up on BDSM relationships and we agreed to have me collared after a training period. I was excited to get something like this from my husband and enter into the D/s world. I feel bad that I’m saying this but I hate the collar he picked out for me.
It looks like a dog collar. And I have to wear it all the time now. I want to cry just saying it because I know he put a lot of effort into picking it out for me. But its so far from what I normally wear that I don’t want to go to social events with my vanilla friend, family, or anything. I’m not into the punk styles of dress and wearing big pieces of jewelry is really not my thing. I guess I was hoping for something that fits my style. And I feel so bad that I’m trying to cover my neck all the time and don’t want anyone to see this collar on me.
He said he was modeling it after my wedding ring. My wedding ring is so unique and beautiful. I love my ring. It’s white gold with a emerald as the center stone with small diamonds around it and a celtic design. The collar on the other hand is something I would put on a show dog. Silver with white diamond like rhinestones and my nickname around the thick leather band complete with a ring to put a charm or leash; which he did put a green heart-shaped lock/charm on. I feel guilt-ridden that I can’t just accepted this as it was given, out of love and the meaning of our new relationship as a D/s-M. I know I shouldn’t care with others think, I’m to old for that. And I guess I don’t but I like the way I dress and style myself (and I’m like to think my husband does too) and this collar goes in the totally opposite direction of that.
I guess I’m asking is how do I accept this collar and I don’t know is this something a lot of subs have a problem with when they get a collar. I really wish we had picked it out together now. I want to feel comfortable with this. But I hate that now I feel the need to change the way I dress and cover this collar; a symbol of our love and relationship.
Thank you,
Keiki -
5 Replies
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Good morning Keiki,
I struggled with this issue in the beginning. Even though I really liked my first collar (chainmaille with a central ring) I felt uncomfortable wearing it at work or with dressier attire. In Downtime, I let my HusDom know that I would always like to display the symbol of his ownership, but that perhaps I could have more than one and he could choose which one I wear each day. Now I have 6. Three of them are very obvious BDSM accessories, one looks good with jeans, one is appropriate with an evening gown, and the one I wear almost every day to my job is sterling silver and discreet.
Maybe you can have a similar conversation with him, or tell him that some collared subs on this site have more than one for different occasions. Please feel free to PM me.
Staci
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Dear Keiki,
Like Staci, Sir has given me more than one collar. He does choose which collar that I will wear for an event. I have a play collar that looks tough and represents my Sir, a discreet necklace that I wear at work, and a couple of dress up collars that are obviously BDSM inspired that I wear to BDSM friendly occasions.
Perhaps you can still wear your new collar for playtime, but ask your Sir how you can earn a fashionable day collar that works with your current style.
In my experience with D|s-M, Husdoms choose what their submissive will wear or at least heavily influence her. Remember that your goal is to please your Sir and adapt to his tastes in your appearance. Hopefully, his ideas are complementary to your likes and needs. Having said that, I really didn’t care for my first collar, but now looking back I love it because it was my first one.
Good luck to your on your journey with D|s-M. It is truly a wonderful life.
Warm regards,
Belle -
I completely understand. I have 3 different collars. My day collar is very much me and something that I would wear if not in the lifestyle. Its silver tiffany chain necklace with the infinity symbol. I have an edgier collar that has a ball and lock on it that I wear when I want to push it a bit. My night collar or private collar is COMPLETELY different and something that I would never wear around family or in my vanilla life.
Just explain the concept to your Sir and how much you love the thought that he put into your collar but as you take this journey together, would like this special collar to be more private between the two of you and you would like a day collar to navigate the vanilla world. This may change over time and you may find yourself becoming more comfortable with the original collar.
Remember, honesty is still paramount in this relationship. Good luck!
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I have several collars. My “dog” like collar is for bedroom only. I have a bracelet I wear every day as a reminder and when we go out I have several chokers Sir picked out for when we go out on dates, or are with friends, etc. When we were first looking at collars the “dog” like collars were popular, but I was honest with Sir and explained that I didn’t want to wear something like that in vanilla settings. I also don’t like feeling like a cat or dog… so we don’t use that particular collar very much period.
Communication is everything though, so honesty is the best way to go! You can even explain how you feel in downtime! If you and your Sir are comfortable picking something that represents a collar and your promise to each other, then think outside the box.
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Hey there!
First of all…thanks for sharing. I know it can be hard to do that sometimes with these types of things.Receiving a collar should be something that inspires you and that you feel proud to wear around others. I, myself, have a few different collars. The very first collar Sir bought me was my play collar…black and purple leather/lamb skin. It is a collar that is only used during playtime or a scene and Sir will remove what ever collar I am wearing at the time and replace it with the play collar to signify the power exchange of the scene (before I was collared, just him putting it on would trigger the power exchange). The second collar I received didn’t come until our 2 year D|s-M anniversary. That collar is a silver locket on a chain and Sir officially collared me with it. It is my day collar and he chose it because I would be able to wear it at work or anywhere else and remain private about what it is. The third collar I now have is dubbed my “night collar”. It is a slender black leather collar with a heart shaped lock that only he has the key to. This is my most recent collar and when I get home from work, I take my day collar off and take him my night collar to put on (he removes it in the morning before he leaves for work).
The most important thing is that you need to let your Sir know how you are feeling about this. You must remember that he put a lot of thought into it, so remain respectful (it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it). I am sure the last thing you want is to hurt his feelings and make him feel badly, so be very careful in how you approach the subject. I would not do it in any environment but downtime….and even in downtime, I would be very mindful of what and how I was saying it. If it were me, I would ask if he could consider getting me a day collar to wear out and about and use this one as a “night collar”…to be worn at home with each other. There are so many collar options and, as time goes by, I know many subbies receive different collars to wear at different times and for different occasions…
I hope you feel better about being collared soon!
Smooches,
V
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