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Choosing the right time?
Hubs and I have been D/s for many years. We’ve recently decided to refocus our relationship and recommit ourselves to this lifestyle. We’ve been seeing a BDSM-friendly therapist, and things have been going well…until…yesterday.
So, here’s some context, because you’re going to need it.
I’m a homeschooling (SAHM) of two kids. One of whom has a lot of special needs. That child gets angry and violent (and yes, he’s getting help too). But, we have days when he’s yelling, tantruming, being violent for HOURS. He will hit, kick, bite, and throw things at me and just scream for hours. It’s insanely exhausting. Because of this, we have a safeword for the day. If I use that word (and I don’t safeword lightly) Hubs knows that the day is a total loss…and not expect my chores to be done or the house to be in any sort of order. It also means that our hierarchy is gone until things have settled out (usually 24 hours).
Yesterday I safeworded the day. It was a bad day, like I can’t even describe to you how awful. Hubs came home early, gave me a break (about 90 minutes). And the kids eventually went to bed.
Hubs asked me what I needed. I said I needed a spanking and to feel close to him. I said maybe we could watch a movie or something similar. He asked me twice if I wanted to have sex, and I said no that I wasn’t in a good place for that.
So, we ended up working on our contract for a while, talking, I got a spanking, and then he asked me to “take care of him” (handjob, essentially).
I honestly couldn’t believe he would ask me that after how rough my day had been…and especially after I safeworded the day. I’ll admit that I didn’t handle his request as gracefully as I could, but I didn’t yell or get upset. I started to cry. I told him that I felt really disrespected by his request and that giving him a handjob was NOT taking care of my needs.
This turned into a huge fight. He’s still upset at me for turning him down in a less than graceful way.
So, I’m bringing this to this group. What should have been done? When the submissive is under a huge amount of stress, where should the Dominant put his priorities? Was I in the wrong for refusing him, even if I safeworded? What is the hierarchy of wants/needs in high-stress situations?
Thanks!
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2 Replies
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(Hello McRuger’s Girl, thank you for posting in the forum and chatting in the chat room. I appreciate you sharing that you are an ROMANCE AUTHOR.)
Please give me a little more background about you and your Sir….Ages, stages of life… how long you have been together ect… then I can write you a better response to your questions.
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Yes, thank you. I am a romance author, but not published yet (in second edits for a trilogy).
We are in our early 40’s, we’ve been married for just over 11 years. Stages of life? Not exactly sure what you mean by that, but we’re parents and have been doing that for about 8 years. We have been D/s for most of our marriage, with some breaks for various crises in our life (health issues, deaths, emergency travel). I hope that will help you get a better idea of where we are…
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