BRAGS, DRAGS & CONFESSSIONS

[Trixie787-CGL]

I have to admit my mindset has not been were it should be these last couple weeks. Vanilla creeped in and took over. I strongly recommend reviewing some of the past blog posts. I attended a group chat this week and we talked about some past posts. They really hit home with me. I wrote up my confession in my journal and my Sir read it. We had downtime last night and discussed it. We got everything talked out and my mindset is getting back on track. I also cannot say enough that downtime is a MUST. We had gotten away from it and things built up until I got really non-submissive toward Sir and was back to my old habits. I felt awful. After last night, I feel SOOOOO much better! Come to the chats and read the blogs! There is a lot of information to discover here. If you have questions, we have great mentors who are more than happy to help!

[Unknown Member]

Oh my goodness, this might be a long one, and probably contains one or two confessions linked together.

Since the beginning of our D/s journey, journaling has been an important aspect that has brought us both closer together. It is an online journal that Sir has the password to, so he can see it any time he chooses. I will write in it pretty frequently, either just about my day, or if I’m stressed out worried about something, or if I’ve had a kinky fantasy on my mind. Sir also sometimes assigns me prompts that he wants me to write about.

The journal has “rules of engagement” that we agreed upon when we first started it. The journal is my safe space to write whatever I want without fear of reprisal; Sir may assign prompts but may not respond in the journal; Sir may indirectly reference things I’ve written in the journal, but if he wants to directly talk about the journal he must ask first. This allows for free and open writing within the journal, which gives him a window to my soul, really.

Well, a couple months ago, Sir assigned me a prompt. I responded to it, very stream of consciousness, but sometimes that’s how it comes out. I think Sir was having a bad day and was very stressed about work, but when he came home and read the entry I guess it wasn’t quite what he expected. Without asking, he directly referenced the entry and (I don’t want to air dirty laundry) basically insulted my writing.

I was in tears, because that entry had come from a very real and raw place, hence the lack of form or structure in the writing itself. I also felt betrayed that Sir had violated our rules. He apologized and we worked it out, but I was left a little soured on the journal. So, for the past few months, I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from writing in it until I feel comfortable again. That’s confession #1, which is important for the next confession.

In the last week, I have finally felt like getting back to journaling, and have begun to write again. This has made Sir extremely happy, which of course makes me happy as well. Plus, it is so nice to have a place to get things off my chest again. What prompted it was an extreme depressive episode, and I needed somewhere to just vent all my emotions. Wrapped up in that was a failure I experienced at work that I was pretty ashamed about. It was something that I could have controlled, but I had gotten complacent, so I was beating myself up pretty bad about it.

Now, Sir and I used to work together before we started dating (that’s how we met) so he knows my job and he knows I could have prevented this failure. I dreaded his disappointment in me, and I didn’t want to tell him about it. But, I also needed to tell him about it, if that makes sense? My compromise was I wrote about it in the journal. I knew he knew about it now, and I was just dreading him bringing it up and chastising me for being so careless. But, he didn’t say a word.

I leave it alone for about a week, but this cloud is like hanging over my head. Finally, during our recent down time, after talking about some non- related subjects, I blurt it out to Sir out of the blue. I tell him what happened and everything I’ve been feeling about it. He listens and holds me, and then when I’m done he talks.

He does chastise me, but not for my work failure! He asks if I’ve fixed the problem on my own, which I have. Then he tells me that I need to let it go and everyone is human. He’s seen people make the same mistake I have in the past, and it’s not a big deal as long as it’s corrected afterwards. My Sir still loves me and respects me and is proud of me. A huge weight is lifted off me and I just let it go.

I waited so long to just talk to Sir about things, worried about his esteem of me, letting this thing hang over my head and bring me down. Finally just confessing and talking to him about it gave me closure, and turns out all my worries were baseless.

little_1

[syrce]

So life is pretty stressful with the current things going on. My Sir is in health care and we have been being incredibly careful to keep his patients safe. That being said, business is down and he is a one-man show. Sir has a tendency to withdraw when he is feeling stressed.

I felt that withdrawal but didn’t relate it to his work. I thought he was pulling back from the dynamic again. It has happened cyclicly and it is hard to not feel completely rejected.

I think the thing that was hitting me the hardest was my service. I am incredibly mindful in my service. I make sure I am in the right headspace. I do everything with careful intention and that intention was being met with what I perceived as indifference. When I made his coffee and presented it to him, he just took it and didn’t look me in the eyes, saying “Thank you, Pet”, so I could say “You are most welcome, Sir.” When I brought his wine in the evening with my robe open and a slight bow, he used to admire me as he slowly took the glass and thanked me. Nothing. He wasn’t even looking at me. /ouch

I racked my brain as to what it could be, but the best I could come up with was that maybe “Sir” wasn’t fitting him anymore and I didn’t want to push. I finally asked him if there was another name he needed or a different protocol. He said he would think about it and get back to me. /eye roll

In the meantime, I let the term slip. I went back to my old terms of affection – My Love, Love – but then I apparently called him Lovey a few times. I don’t honestly even remember it, but it was in chat most of the time. Lovey is what I call my children.

We finally got a chance to have downtime and discuss. I brought it up again (go me for using my mouth words and also not letting it go). He didn’t brush it off this time. He sat in reflection and finally told me that he had been thinking about it. That he hadn’t been feeling very dominant lately, because of all of the things that were going on in the outside world. He said he felt really out of control and he wasn’t sure what to do about it, but Sir was still the right term. I looked up at him and said, “Sir, respectfully, maybe you need to lean in here and with me to take your power back and it will help you feel more control out there; instead of pulling away.” He got very thoughtful.

Then he looked down at me and his eyes were different. I hope you might know what I mean. The Dominant was back in them. There is this radiating power that appears as if he can look straight into my soul. “My Pet, you are not to call me ‘Lovey.’ It is diminutive.” All the butterflies in my tummy went crazy. I know my eyes got wide. He assured me I was in a safe space but not to let it happen again.

Needless to say, he has been leaning in and I have not called him “Lovey” again!

[sub_katie_babydoll]

My drag: Sir has been pretty distracted lately. He told me yesterday that because he’s having to figure out how to act in his new role with his new job, he’s been putting the role of Dom on the back-burner. I understand this and encouraged him again to keep “emotionally touching” me through cuddles, talking to me while I take a bubble bath, tucking me in at night, holding my hand while we’re out, and staring at me with those Dom eyes I love. He’s a very logical person and I’m a very emotional person, so it’s been a little tough trying to explain my emotional needs… but, he’s trying and I feel him starting to understand better. Yesterday, we talked and he expressed that he needed to be mentally stimulated when he comes home from work and I expressed that I need to be physically stimulated or emotionally stimulated. So, last night he let me lay in his lap while he watched a Youtube video about physics (yes, he loves learning random stuff like that all the time!)… So, that was a nice start! Later that night, we had already agreed that I would spend time playing with myself while he watched (because all week I’ve been about to explode with horny need!!!) lol, so I was happy he remembered our agreement. At first, he just sat down and watched me… I knew that his logical/literal brain probably didn’t know that I wanted him to help me out in the beginning, so I asked him instead of awkwardly going on in silence. I told him I wasn’t very wet by myself and that I desperately needed his help getting me started. And as things progressed, I asked him things like “Daddy, can you please tell me about that time we did ___ again? I wanna imagine myself doing ____ to you,” and that helped him get the hint! So, he talked dirty to me and occasionally grabbed my throat and nipples and it was so nice! So, I’m learning more and more that my Sir is just very logical and I really have to remember to ask him for those little emotional things I like, respectfully.

My Brag: I’ve been cooking both lunch and dinners for my Sir pretty much 99% of the time! It’s a great way I can serve him and I’m proud that I’ve put so much time into cooking for him.

My Confession: Yesterday I orgasmed multiple times using only setting #2 on my wand!!! This doesn’t sound like a huge thing… but trust me… it really is. I used to crank my wand up to #3 or #4 and my “orgasms” used to literally happen once my clit got so numb and tired from my constant torturing of it…. lol, so I’m glad I’m learning how to take my time and enjoy the orgasm instead of trying to make my clit so numb is HAS to orgasm. hahaha, so I am proud and also have been trying edging, which has helped. And I’m able to orgasm with my Sir helping me! Like when he grabs my throat (with me holding the wand), it triggers an orgasm… which is so cool and obviously makes him happy, too! (:

[pearl]

My drag today.

Anger…

What do you do with it?

Especially when it is justified?

When your Sir does something that deserves anger as a response?

I take photos for Sir for his web page. Last week I spent several hours taking the latest batch of photos.

This morning I went to the camera to get the card so that I could start editing them.

That’s when he tells me he accidentally over wrote the card and all my photos are gone.

In the scheme of things this isn’t big, I can retake the photos but what do I do with the anger that bubbles up?

I’m legitimately asking because I don’t know. The old me would have yelled and probably said things that would have been unproductive.

I did leave the area before I said something stupid. I suppose that is better.

But I’m still angry over the extra work this will cause and the change in my week.

And I’m not sure what to do with this emotion.

Those that know me know that I used to have a real anger problem. Antidepressants helped me deal with that and I haven’t been on any meds in a long time.

If anyone has any good suggestions on how to deal please let me know. I’m honestly at a loss right now.

[subrianne-CGL]

I have discovered something else about myself. I really love being my Sir’s proper acting wife, but his secret whore under it all. Erebus has bought a few things for me to wear around the house. Dresses that are a bit vintage looking. He knows what is underneath, but to unexpected guests or children that facetime us it is respectable. It is just us at home and it really helps the two of us with our mindset, even when vanilla life is in full swing. I love my journey of self discovery. Who knew!!!!