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My Sir and I are new to the D/s dynamic. We are D/s in the bedroom only, not 24/7. All is going very (very!) well but my Dom has voiced concern over how to know when the D/s dynamic is “on” and when it is “off”. I know that he does not want to boss me around or dominate me in all areas of our lives such as major family decisions or even day to day normal life stuff. He’s very concerned about this, because he knows he has it in him to be very controlling (in a negative way) if I were to fail to assert myself and he doesn’t want to be a jerk to me. He also saw his dad act that way towards his mom so there is some head trash there. My response to his question was that our D/s dynamic is always “on” but only in the subject area of sex and intimacy. I guess the difficulty with this is that intimacy really is a 24/7 thing so how do we confine or restrain our D/s dynamic at all?
I suspect that we will have to figure this out as we go but I’m searching for advice from those of you who know more. I’m really interested in what lk or Mr Fox would say about this.
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2 Replies
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Hi Lelle.
When we started down this path we were not always 24/7 we stepped in and out quite a bit until one day we were more in than out. It can get confusing not knowing where the other is in the dance. We struggle for a bit then came up with a variation on names. We have always used pet names for each other so it wasn’t that new or akward for us and made it easy even around family or friends. Here is how we use it: when he calls me bunny he is expecting submissive/slave, when he calls me hunny bunny he is expecting wife/mom, when he calls me by name we are business/out completely. I also have a little tendency as well so when he calls me hippity hop it’s fun playful time. I change what I call him as well if I want Sir/Master I call him as such (not around family/friends I simply use no title at all), My Love is my Husband/dad, his name is business and My Sweet is Daddy Dom. This helped us know instantly where the other was and adjust accordingly. It made for a smoother dance if you will. We still use this after 6yrs it just became a natural part of our communication. If you can find some way to let the other know where your thoughts are in a way that is not going to disrupt or confuse I think it makes for an easier transition. I have known others that wear a certain item (jewelry, scarf) when it’s on, it’s on and when it’s off, it’s off. Find something you both agree is not too much and feels natural but clearly shows the other where you are. Just my 2cents take what works and chuck the rest. I wish you all the best in your journey.Jsbunny
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Thanks, jsbunny. That sounds much like what we are attempting – using the pet names as a signal when we want each other to know our intentions. I’m guessing this will get easier with time.
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